New to TTF..

[captivebutterfly]

Hi, I am completely new to TTF, and I was so happy to discover that there is a website out there that has a community that is devoted to this stuff. It makes me feel as if I am not alone, and that there are people here to share this problem with me. My reason for signing up is because my boyfriend is PA. We have been together for almost three years now, and known eachother for about six. I have always known that he watched P, but felt as though I would be prying on him if I ever asked him why he did it, or God-forbid if I asked him to stop. One day, about a year and a half into the relationship, I stumbled across his account on a popular website. It was his usual username, except I noticed his profile was unviewable to the public; it was X-Rated. My heart began to beat really fast, and my body became so cold and I couldn't stop shivering. Could this really be him? Does he use this site to feed his sxual desires? I confronted him almost immediately, and he indeed admitted that it was his accout, but he did not admit that he used it to watch P. Instead he made some excuse that he used it for adult humor. (Yeah right!) I knew this excuse was B/S, so I wasen't ready to accept it. I did more research into his accounts, and found that he posted in a forum about SX and P. He posted his fantasies about sleeping with celebrities, shared his favourite P photos and links. I found several other links that were not P that he also shared on that forum, however he had never mentioned the forum to me, I wonder why. I trusted him, I always thought "He's such a good guy, he'd never fall into the P trap." I was so wrong.

After a month of knowing about this forum, I finally broke down and told him I knew everything, I was in tears, and in such rage at that point that I gave him my promise ring back and told him it was over. I realised I had made the biggest mistake of my life. We shared a lot of great moments together and I wanted to stay with him, but I also wanted him to cut out P completely. He has told me numerous times that every guy watches P, and it is something that he needs in his life & that I should accept it. Unfortunately I cannot accept it, since it is something that I am upset about frequently. I realised that it has affected our relationship from the start, we were never really intimate for a while (and i never knew why, I realise now it was his PA).

He also asked me to do certain things I was not comfortable with several times (which I realised he has seen those things in P videos). Since getting back together, he has done councelling a couple times, but admits to this day he still watches P every now and then and wants to cut it out completely. I don't think he can, without help. Recently, I was about ready to accept his PA, which I soon realised would be the biggest mistake of my life. His PA affects me in numerous ways; I do not feel as attracted to him any more, during intimacy my mind focuses on his PA (what he has watched, or if the women he's seen are more attractive than me) rather than simply enjoying myself & focusing on loving him. I cannot sleep at night because I wonder if he is watching P at home, while I am not talking to him. I understand his PA, but it frusterates me to no end, there's one side of me that knows that it feeds his desires and needs, but another side of me thinks that it doesn't have to be this way. I'm tired of feeling down, I'm tired of hurting because of this.P has ruined our relationship to the point where I feel so helpless. I need help, for him and myself, I don't know what to do now, I guess my question is how do I help him cut P out completely?

[FoolishMind]

Hi Captivebutterfly, I am truly sorry that you have found yourself in this position. Like many partners on this site, its like your man was the Mr perfect and then everything starts to crumble around you, and you just cant understand it. You begin to question was anything real, or was it all a lie.

First things first. This is not your fault, and this issue would have started long before you. And therefore knowing this, what you can offer in assistance is actually very little.

Your partner cannot control this addiction, if he does not TRULY acknowledge it is an addiction. For him to TRULY acknowledge it, he will need to realise how much he is hurting you for one, and realise how he himself is a completeley different person with P.

You will only have to read through a few journals to begin to realise that the traits of every PA are frighteningly similar. In the same way the effects on partners are will be familiar too.

There is so much info on this site, that I am at risk of repeating again, so the best advice I can offer at this stage is as follows:

1) Educate yourself, and make sure you understand about PA
2) Write a letter/email to your partner and let him know, that you cannot accept this, and you will do whatever you can to help him
3) Get him to see this site, and read through, within 10 minutes he will realise he is not alone, and he has an issue.

Get to step 3, and you will be well on the way to recovery and saving your relationship.

My thoughts are with you.

Be strong.
FM

[OpenEyes]

Hi, CB,
I am very new to this site as well and I am a PA. I am still amazed every time I write it. Being fresh to the realazation, I may be able to offer a bit of advice as well. FM is great and he has VERY good advice. Some of the articles on this site are informative but the ones where you answer questions, about yourself is how I finally realized that I am a PA. Read them yourself, and make sure he reads the quizes. One of them is five short questions. I answered all 5 as a PA, and then went "Wow, I am a PA". It was sobering, and a revelation. IF you can steer him that way, and follow the rest of the advice that Foolish Mind has offered, you have done all you can do.

Best Wishes
Open Eyes

[captivebutterfly]

thanks so much for responding to me, it means a lot to me.
i have already asked him to sign up and he has, which is a huge step. i don't think he realized he was a PA until I asked him to do the quiz. i'm very proud of him and I just hope he can find it in himself to quit with the support of the site!

[OpenEyes]

I am SO glad to hear it!>:D<

It is only a first step on a long road, and I just got my track shoes on, but I am very glad you are both here.

OpenEyes