The time has come...

[Miki]

The time has come for me to part ways with my PA. I still love him and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him, but it is evident at this point that due to his (self-reported) guilt and shame he does not have the ability to be honest with me. He says that he doesn't want to give it (P) up and that he questions that he is attracted to me.

His ability to be somewhat honest with me was the boundary that I set with myself and unfortunately, I have to follow through with the consequences. He -HE- asked me to help him by using a monitoring software, to be available to listen when he slipped, and then lied about it anyway. When I backed off and stopped monitoring completely he dropped off into depression and self-destruction. This is truly a devistating disease and, once again, I am so proud of all of the PA's that are fighting to let go.

As for me, I am no longer the SO of a PA. I am taking care of myself and wishing him the best.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Miki-

That is truly a heartbreaking decision and I am sorry that you are in the position to have to make it. But, I am proud of you for choosing a path of non-self-destruction. I am always at a loss when I read how SO's stay with their PA's when they know that they haven't quit and are still choosing lies and their addiction over their partner. I empathise with loving our PAs, but IMO, it is self-destructive to continuously let ourselves be hurt. But, maybe I am less loving and patient than other people on this site. I am always awed by these same people who are more capable than i am.

I think that sometimes, SOs and PAs are limited by our imaginations. When we let our PA continue to hurt us, it is because we don't want to face the worst that we can imagine. The worst I could imagine is that when faced with a choice, my husband would choose P over me. So, I didn't force a choice for a long time, because I felt like I knew where I would fall, and I didn't want to face it. And I think for the PA, the worst they can imagine is living a life without P. For some PAs, when they lose their loved one, then they realise that THAT is the worst they can imagine. And then they come out of the P bubble and maybe recover and gain back the relationship.

I pray for you and your soon to be ex PA partner. Maybe he will now see that losing P is really not the worst that can happen. For you, I pray that you will be ok and know that even if he chooses P now and always, YOU don't deserve to be second best.

I hope you will be ok. Hugs to you.

[Miki]

I am totally heartbroken. I have just said goodbye to my best friend, my partner in life, my dogs, my "home"...This is probably the hardest thing (but maybe the healthiest) I've ever had to do. WifeofNewLifeMan, thank you so much for your words. I have been following your posts on this site and you strike me as a very kind soul who has a lot of wisdom to offer.

Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself now.

I miss him already and can't imagine what the future holds, but it is something to be turning to the possibility that I don't know, rather than the demon that I do; but, its going to get harder before it gets easier.

WONLM, thank you again.

[Charly22]

I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I am sure it is bittersweet, well, not sure what is sweet, sure its mostly bitter, I am so so sorry you had to make such a hard decision. This is the consequence of it being taken so lightly by those addicted and in denial. It is not a light hearted subject, it is quite serious in fact.

I know you are not sure what the future holds, so, until you do, be proud of yourself, where you stand, and find comfort in the disconnection from the "demon". Sigh that big breath of relief, take advantage of the time for you and you alone. You deserve relief, I hope you get some.

[Miki]

I don't want to bad rap my ex-PA, but I do have some strong feelings today. I would've worked on this with him and would see being able to work this out if it weren't for the depth of the dishonesty. The breaking point was him lying to me about going to his support group when he was actually going somewhere else...

Hindsight is always 20/20. Since anouncing our split to our friends and family I've had some feedback that has been both really heart breaking and concerning. I feel so blind. One of HIS oldest friends wrote me...

"If you're breaking up with [PA] think it's a good idea. Frankly, I have had enough of his sh*t. A big part of why I am so fed up however is the way he treated you, refering to you as "C***" & V*****". Not funny. The time [PA's friend] was going off calling you vanilla and boring? [PA] just laughed as I tried to talk him into apologizing. You deserve someone who treats you with respect, and that will never be [PA]. Breaking up is hard but for you I hope it will be a good move in the long run. Take care and know that I will always want to be your friend. *Hug*"

I never knew he said those things about me. Maybe I just chose not to listen; I thought he respected me a little more than that. Its like he has so little respect for himself, its impossible for him to have any respect for anyone else. No wonder he is so disconnected when he looks at P. How can he have any respect for the people on the screen when he can't have respect for living breathing people?

Still trying my best to move on...still impressed by the PA's who are walking the walk.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Miki-

Wow, what a tough thing for your friend to tell you about what your ex said. That's horrible. I know people don't want to involve themselves in other people's relationships.... but sometimes I wish people would be honest when things are happening, not later when its too late.

You can walk this walk. Think of what you have already dealt with. I know it is sad and heartbreaking to lose your relationship no matter what the circumstances. Take care of yourself and don't buy into what your ex has said about you. That's his problem and his blind view which has no basis in reality. Just like everything else in the P world.

Hugs to you today.

[landslide]

Hi Miki,

PA is so hurtful--so painful. Name calling is rude and disrespectful. You said you weren't sure what to do with yourself now. If I may make a suggestion. Perhaps instead of second guessing yourself you could join a support group in your area or get some counseling? What you have been through in my opinion is a harsh form of mental and verbal abuse. Support will help you stay strong and not go back to him. Remember, if you go back with him at this stage, it will probably most definitely not stop. I would think your soul on some level his been devastated--and getting help to learn how to take care of yourself and heal will take time, but also prevent you from going out and finding another chump just like him. Many blessings to you.

[Life-lies-trust]

HUG to you because you need one. I think landslide has a really good point for supporting yourself.

[Junebug1944]

thank you for sharing your experience doing what many of us are to afraid to do.