New to this group

[landslide]

Hi Everyone,
Im new to this group--I discovered this website trying to make sense of my husbands PA. I am so grateful there is a site and people out there willing to share their experience.

My husband was in SAA years ago, but I'm not sure if he ever achieved long-term 'sobriety'. His use prior to SAA I understand was practically everyday for long periods of time. His addiction was and continues to be limited to pictures (no chat or paying for it). Now I believe his use is less often and in much shorter time intervals....but Im not totally sure on that.

We were also in A/A together and I believed we had a special spiritual connection and we were walking the path of recovery together. Honestly, it was special for a long time.

In the past 2-1/2 years though we have both got off track--stopped attending our programs and a sort of unsaid agreement was made that he would use P and I would drink and we just put up with it with each other. To make a very long story short, he had enough of me drinking in January this year and got our families involved and I was shocked out of my stuper that I believed I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself.

We began going to counseling and I decied on my own to go to a out-patient clinic to deal with my issues. Here's the problem. My recovery is forcing me to look at the lies, betrayals, lack of boundaries, and resentments that have drove a stake between us.

My SO told the couselor and me that he was going to get help when we bagan in January. Since then he has gone to a handful of meetings (maybe), missed as many as he's gone to, continues his P use, lies to me and the couselor about his continued use, and there is some other game-playing that I won't go into at this time, but it makes me just want to crumble up and avoid him.

I love my husband and I am still after years very attracted to him, he is a kind and wonderful person. So, when I admit that I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and not be married to him anymore-------it just breaks my heart in a million pieces.

My emotions around the subject swing around like a pendulum. From raging anger to hopeless fear to pain felt tears.I am at the point right now that I know I need some help for myself first before I go any farther in dealing with this directly with my husband. I have already done the crying, begging, pleading, asking, demanding, writing a letter, compromising.....all of it----to try to 'shock' him into taking me seriously and apparently he still feels he is going to do it.

We see out counselor together in two days where it just amazes me how he will sit there and say, "It hasn't been a problem lately." "I haven't been on it." Part of me wants to laugh--the other part barf.

Thank you for listening to me. I would love to hear all comments, thoughts, input or stratedgies that you might want to share with me and might be able to help me. Thank you so much.....

[Devastated2]

Hi Landslide
So sorry you are going through this. We can all relate.
I don't know how much my advice will be helpful to you since my husband is still in denial about his issues. However, I did want to say that 2 years ago we sought counseling & it was a disaster! The counselor decided in our first session my husband did not have a problem (of course he wasn't honest about the extent of his use) and that our issues were caused by the fact that I grew up in an alcoholic household. So, it was a double whammy for me & I was paying someone to blame me! Anyway, my point is, I cannot recommend more that you seek out a QUALIFIED sexual addiction counselor. Someone who has treated SA's/PA's and had success in this area.I was just so panicked at the time & so thrilled he agreed to go to begin with that I did not think to look into someone that actually knew what they were talking about. I wish you great success in your journey. Although it is a painful one, I do believe people can recover.

[landslide]

Thank you Devastated2 for replying. I am still trying to figure out how this system works, so I am hope I am replying correctly---we will see in a minute or two.

Wow, that would have been a whammy. This counselor is educated in PA and has many books by Patrick Carnes and others on the issue lining the shelves of her office. We have been going slowly, as there is alot of pain involved, but it just seems to defeat the purpose when my husband wants to deny his use in a forum that I believe is relatively safe. I do understand that the protection of the addciction is two-fold; to continue to do it and to put-off all those feelings of shame.

Did you change counselors? How have you handled the denial?

[Devastated2]

Well, it does sound like you have an educated counselor, which is a wonderful first step. We never did switch counselors. My husband decided he didnt need it & that this wasn't a problem. I think he knew in counseling, if he kept going, he was going to have to take a good, hard look at himself & it scared him. Trying to control what was going on took its toll on me., I was in really bad shape (not eating, not sleeping etc.). So, rather than drive myself crazy trying to figure out a way to get through to him, I began to detach. I started working on my own issues---things that I could control. It was a huge relief. I felt such a sense of freedom once I stopped trying to control what was going on. We still discuss it from time to time & I do know he still lies about it to me. But I also know that the only person who can change that is him. So, even though he is still in denial, I have a pretty good understanding about this problem now. I am much stronger as a result of educating myself about it. It is my hope he will come to the realization that he has some serious issues to deal with. I am confident he will in time but HE has to be the one to make that choice. I can't force it even though I want that more than anything. It is very hard realizing you have no control. But in any addiction the only one with the power to change is the addict.
You are in a very good position, in therapy, for your husband to stop denying and start to get real with you & himself. As he becomes more more comfortable there he is more likely to share what is going on with him. Remember: he knows the extent of his addiction and it will take a lot of courage to be able to share that with you. It will also take time. When you open up in counseling, approach it as "this made me feel....", instead of "YOU made me feel." He will feel less attacked & will be able to appreciate the pain his addiction has caused you.
Best of luck & hang in there

[Life-lies-trust]

HUGS we all know what you are feeling. It does not go away over night I'm sorry to say.

We see out counselor together in two days where it just amazes me how he will sit there and say, "It hasn't been a problem lately." "I haven't been on it." Part of me wants to laugh--the other part barf.

Call him on it in front of the counselor. My favorite line is "B### SH##". Then I explain in detail why I say it.

[landslide]

We had our appointment today with our counselor. I told the truth. I think I did it for the most part with grace, but at certain points it wasn’t pretty and I certainly didn’t look like any porn star with mascara running down my face, hands shaking and blowing my nose....that was a lame attempt at a joke.

I thought I was going to get sick before the meeting. It became doubly hard when I found myself having to repeat to him that I knew--not wondered—and it was time to cut the C*&%. I relied on Life-lies-trust recommendation, ‘cause I became flabbergasted when he didn’t seem to comprehend that the secret wasn’t solely his anymore. He wasn’t duping me anymore.

It was rough. I think he mustered up as much truth as he could at that point. And I recalled Devastated2's comment that I needed to remember that only he knows the extent of his addiction and that it will take courage for him to share it with me. Those were very wise words.

In one blinking second, time seemed to stand still and he seemed more like a trapped and wounded animal than the strong and confident man I am accustomed to. I felt like I had just forcefully yanked him out of a picture show and he wasn't enjoying the daylight too much.

I can’t stay in this relationship with him if he doesn’t want to quit. This lying thing has got way out of control. For a few minutes I felt light-years apart from him and I couldn’t help but wonder how in the world we got here. When did we become such strangers?

One part of me feels like I am kicking and punching the whole porn industry in the face fighting to get my husband back, the other part of me wonders if he wants to be fought for.

I think right now we both need some time to absorb what happened today. I thank God for the counselor.

I feel pretty crummy about myself asking for what I need. Yet, tonight at my alcohol recovery group a gentleman that started weeks before me ‘graduated.’ I have only seen him and his tiny wife in his final weeks of recovery. Several in the group tonight teased this little lady that she came in with him carrying a baseball bat. It was a funny metaphor. Because when this gentleman addressed our group he began with thanking and kissing his wife for her strength and courage when he didn’t have any. So, maybe there is hope for us too. I pray so.

[Life-lies-trust]

landslide I'm proud of you. He will not like this but you need to face this and he needs to understand the level that you are at. He also must face that it is not a secret any more.

BIG Hug to you I know that it is not easy to have to pull the rug out but in the long run "So Far" I have found that it helps, even if it hurt too.

One day at a time at this point. What you know about AA can also apply here except the initial steps are not to keep with only the group and sponsor but he must open up to you also. Look up the SAA 12 steps for the differences.

[boris]

LS you wrote, "I feel pretty crummy about myself asking for what I need."

Never feel crummy for asking for what you need. Sometimes our spouse is clueless, sometimes incapable, sometimes selfish. It doesn't change the fact that they aren't giving you what you need. You still need what you need. So continue to ask. The worst that can happen is that they don't give you what you need, which is where you are now.

One thing I learned from therapy is that no one is a mind reader. I used to think "Well, she should have just known, it's so obvious!!" thinking doesn't work. Sometimes we do know, sometimes we are as thick as a brick. Another's actions are a reflection of who they are as a person, not of your value as a human.

So don't beat yourself up for asking. You're worth more than that.

[Devastated2]

You did it landslide! Good for you. I know how scary, emotional & vulnerable that first session is. But you did it. You expressed that you are ready to face this problem & that you cannot go on if he is going to continue to feed his addiction. THAT takes courage! Never feel guilty for expressing what you need. You are worth it. Hopefully your husband will now choose what is best & healthiest for himself & for you. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Wishing you peace