Massage Parlor...wedding off!!!

[girlfriend]

Hi,

I am new and I'm just starting to educate myself about porn addiction. This April I will have been with my fiance for four years. I've lived with him for two years and we got engaged last August. Anyway, I always knew he masturbated to porn. Growing up being somewhat of a tomboy, I get guys. I know they need this other way of release. However, I didn't know the extent of his porn addiction. It has gotten worse. I won't go into details about what he looks at( I found downloads on the home computer), but every time I would say something to him, he always said, "That's what guys do!" I honestly wasn't sure if this was normal or not.
Well......... to make a long story short. I found out that he had gone to get a "***REMOVED***" twice in the last 2 months. The first time he got a ***REMOVED***, the second time he said he chickened out( don't know if I believe him). It's not that we don't have sex. ***REMOVED*** we are both good looking, ***REMOVED***. and then Mon. morning he made an appointment.
I found out about the massage parlor a week ago. (I found receipts). Since then, I've been devistated, he has been sleeping at a hotel, and I called the wedding off!! I don't know if I can trust him again. I don't know if this is something I can live with. After many talks, he admitted to having a porn addiction, and went to see a therapist last week. He has another appointment tomorrow.
I still love him so much. Do PA's ever recover fully? I'm so confused right now. I am open to advice and comments!!!
Thank you!

[little_wife]

Girlfriend, its nice to meet you. And I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. Continue educating yourself. See if he's really dedicated to changing. Show him this website, and make your own decision. Do not go into this marriage blindly.
Good luck to you. Hugs for now.

[girlfriend]

Girlfriend, its nice to meet you. And I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. Continue educating yourself. See if he's really dedicated to changing. Show him this website, and make your own decision. Do not go into this marriage blindly.
Good luck to you. Hugs for now.

Thank you. He's making an effort. However, I'm afraid once this settles down, and we get back to the routine...... he will go back to watching porn and maybe even take his fantasies further (intercourse with another woman!) Do you think PA's can actually stop watching porn forever? What will they masterbate to. I mean, thoughts of me would probably be boring after awhile.....just saying. So what will be acceptable? Confused???

[little_wife]

I wish I could answer them questions girlfriend. I know my husband stopped for years and then went back. BUT, he never regressed as far back the 2nd time around where he pulled out of the relationship completely.

I'm thinking it's really an individual thing. When a person choose to really change, they do. Some of the men on this website have made remarkable strides: foolishmind, both the daves, artguy, and many others. Only you know your b/f, you know what kind of person he is, and whether he wants to do this for himself as well as for you. But as in other aspects of life, there really isn't total certainty. And even if you found someone else, they may also be PA as it is increasingly common. Or something worse...many horrible addictions out there.

There is a forum on "ask a PA" that you can utilize, to address your concerns to PAs and see how they feel. Also, sometimes just writing, will help you discover how YOU really feel about continuing in this situation. I'd definitely advise you to continue this journal as a means to explore what's going on within you.

[girlfriend]

Thank you for your words! It helps.

I wish I could answer them questions girlfriend. I know my husband stopped for years and then went back. BUT, he never regressed as far back the 2nd time around where he pulled out of the relationship completely.

I'm thinking it's really an individual thing. When a person choose to really change, they do. Some of the men on this website have made remarkable strides: foolishmind, both the daves, artguy, and many others. Only you know your b/f, you know what kind of person he is, and whether he wants to do this for himself as well as for you. But as in other aspects of life, there really isn't total certainty. And even if you found someone else, they may also be PA as it is increasingly common. Or something worse...many horrible addictions out there.

There is a forum on "ask a PA" that you can utilize, to address your concerns to PAs and see how they feel. Also, sometimes just writing, will help you discover how YOU really feel about continuing in this situation. I'd definitely advise you to continue this journal as a means to explore what's going on within you.

[Miki]

Girlfriend, welcome!

I am sorry to hear about what happened. It is very scary to have the rug pulled out from underneath you and I think you have a right to all of your feelings right now.

Unfortunately, (in my humble opinion and from some of the research I've read) the probability of long term recovery is grim. My PA has been struggling with this for 20 years and still can't even go a week. Its tough to hear, but you have a right to know what you are in for.

However- The good news is that it isn't impossible. I recommend reading "In the Shadow of the Net" by Patrick Carnes, especially the section on family dynamics. Arming yourself with knowledge is a good first, proactive step.

And I will agree with Little Wife, reading the stories of the PA's on this site keeps my hopes alive. There are real people out there who really want to change. How to change, though, is a lot more complex.

[Junebug1944]

PA do get better, just like drug addicts, alcoholics or people with eating disorders get better. But, some don't. If your SO chooses to get better and be sober, and I do mean choose, then for the rest of his and your life there is the possibility of relapse, just like any other addiction. Unfortunately, recovery is highly individualized and not always predictable. If you choose to stay, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Your situation closely mirrors mine so i know how you feel, 4 year relationship, engaged, living together and then BAM... your world comes crashing down. but if it makes you feel any better my SO, Smokey who is on this site, are doing well. I found out in September and he has been in therapy ever since. We have been doing couples therapy since January which has helped immensely. Its not much but since the new year we have started a relationship without lies and without P. So it does get better, it just takes a while.

[girlfriend]

Thank you for your post. I'm glad things are better for you both. One of the questions I also struggle with is how long I should wait and see if he will remain serious about his recovery? I've already spent four years with him, I am 34 years old and do want marriage and kids one day. I love him so much. We both have some work to do as far as communication. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to look back at this down the road, and say I should have left him. How do you know the difference between someone who is serious about the recovery and someone who is very sorry? BTW: He also said that he probably would not continue his recovery if it weren't for the relationship, which makes some sense because he would be alone and need the comfort. Is having the relationship the motivating factor enough? What happens when things get a little rough, and he's not totally happy with the relationship. What happens to the recovery. Shouldn't he wanT to get better for HIMSELF??

PA do get better, just like drug addicts, alcoholics or people with eating disorders get better. But, some don't. If your SO chooses to get better and be sober, and I do mean choose, then for the rest of his and your life there is the possibility of relapse, just like any other addiction. Unfortunately, recovery is highly individualized and not always predictable. If you choose to stay, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Your situation closely mirrors mine so i know how you feel, 4 year relationship, engaged, living together and then BAM... your world comes crashing down. but if it makes you feel any better my SO, Smokey who is on this site, are doing well. I found out in September and he has been in therapy ever since. We have been doing couples therapy since January which has helped immensely. Its not much but since the new year we have started a relationship without lies and without P. So it does get better, it just takes a while.

[Crisodian]

Shouldn't he wanT to get better for HIMSELF??

You hit the nail on the head there. He has to want recovery for himself. Any addict has to want to be clean and sober for themselves more than for their relationship or their partner. I'm not saying a partner (or a relationship) is not a driving factor, but at the end of the day, the addict has to want to make a life change for his or herself.

Unfortunately, the only way to know if someone is serious about recovery is time. Is the addict making a life change? If so, how? What is he doing to show you he is serious about seeking help for his addiction?

Sadly, one of the hardest parts about PA is the destruction of trust that comes between partners because of the secrecy that surrounds this addiction. Some PAs hide their addiction for years from their SOs making it that much more difficult for us to take what we are being told at face value. In recovery, actions speak so much ouder than words.

Recovery is possible. But, just like drugs or alcohol, this is an addiction. IMO, it wont go away. The addict will get better. They can be in recovery forever if they make the right life changes. Someone once compared addiction to cancer...cancer survivors go into remission and can stay there for a long, long time...but there is always the possiblity that the cancer may return.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Junebug1944]

You hit the nail on the head there. He has to want recovery for himself.....
Unfortunately, the only way to know if someone is serious about recovery is time.....

Recovery is possible. But, just like drugs or alcohol, this is an addiction. IMO, it wont go away. The addict will get better. They can be in recovery forever if they make the right life changes. Someone once compared addiction to cancer...cancer survivors go into remission and can stay there for a long, long time...but there is always the possiblity that the cancer may return.

This is exactly right. he needs to want to get better for himself. And Crisodian is right, it wont ever go away. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even is they are sober for the rest of their lives. I suggest your read some books on PA to educate yourself about it before you make any big decisions. Good luck and stay strong.