Should I Stay -or- Should I Go?

[Enid]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 9 months now. Early into our relationship he admitted he was a PA so this is not new information to me. He had put off getting help or at least talking with someone...he has told me very honestly how scared he is to have a life free from this.

We have talked alot about getting a place together in April as my lease is coming to an end. This is something we are both thrilled about and have been a driving force in our relationship lately.

The other night I woke up and caught him looking at porn on my computer. This is the first time this has ever happened. It really hit me that this is what I will have to deal with should I decide to continue this relationship with him. I'm terrified that I'm in for a relationship full of lies and heartbreak.

After reading many others comment on this site about the issues they are dealing with and also how it has affected their children, I am revisiting if I want to pursue this relationship. I don't want a future in which my children are exposed or risk the chance of my husband losing interest in me because of porn.

I feel I am definately in a position to get out now, but I do very much love him and want to support him. I'm just not sure how to identify how much is to much?? I feel pressured to make a decision quickly as my lease is soon ending and there are many factors that go into getting a place with another person.

He said last night that he is going to go check out a support group this Thursday. Yeah! Last night I suggested that maybe we take a break so he can focus on his recovery. Obviously, neither of us really prefer that option. He's been considering this support group for awhile now and last night he made the commitment to go this week. Although he's done this I'm not sure how to make any decisions based on that. How long do I wait??

[Dominus]

Well Enid, the choice is of course yours, but you need to understand that porn addiction is very difficult to break free from. Anything less than 110% commitment from him is likely to fail. I have know of a man who had been an alchoholic and a heroin addict, but he said the pornography was the hardest of the 3 to break free from. I know from personal experience how difficult it is.

If he genuineley seems committed and makes all the right moves, then give him your support because we all make mistakes. but if he seems half hearted then I would be very very careful.

[cyberpunk]

Remember that you can continue the relationship and live in separate apartments. If you move in you are locking yourself into a situation that is a big question mark right now. The decision is yours but I would get my own apartment, let him know why you are taking that path, and give him a probation period to sober up and prove himself. That will help him to know how serious you are taking this and it will give you the freedom to end the relationship, if necessary, without worrying about moving out.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Enid-

Actions, and not talk are important here. I agree with what has already been posted... a probation period and not living together yet are very good options if you are unsure.

PA is very difficult for an addict to break. My husband is working to break free now, but he did not go easily. He only decided to get help when I wanted a divorce.

110% committment is a must. If he is not actively seeking help and has not decided to quit, he won't.

Good luck and I hope he decides. Keep in mind, there is a big difference in beig supportive, and being an enabler. Not saying you are an enabler, but it is an easy role to fall into.

[Enid]

Thank you everyone who has given advice. I have been very worried I'm enabling him, but since this is my first experience having someone I love who is addicted, I wasn't sure what I was really being.

I don't want to be harsh with him in the fear that it will drive him to look at it more. I feel like I've been very quiet and naive and I've just been holding back watching him self destruct. I don't want to be too pushy with him because I want him to seek help for himself and not for me.

Where is that line of being an ebabler vs. being too pushy?

[cyberpunk]

I think that enabling and being too pushy are both symptoms of codependancy. You can't fix him and you can't allow him to walk all over you and ruin your life. Unfortunately, this is the fine line that an SO has to walk and as a PA I have no idea how you would do that.

I think that the answer is often severance. I know that my exgf finally just washed her hands of me. It was not her responsibility to make sure that I didn't self destruct, it is mine. She gave me chances to change and when I didn't she moved on with her life.

I always try to give the same advice to SOs; be selfish and don't be afraid. You can't let your fears of his future take away from your future. Even though ending a relationship is tough, heartbreaking and scary it is sometimes necessary. I'm not saying that you should break up with him; I am saying that you should be willing to break up. And when I say willing I really mean WILLING to leave his butt behind and find yourself a man that won't put you through this hell.

[artguy34]

Where is that line of being an ebabler vs. being too pushy?

Hello Enid, welcome to TTF and Im glad you're seeking advice about this addiction your b/f has.

To answer your question, you must draw the line yourself. I agree with NOT getting an apartment together and keeping your own place and he keeping his. With the understanding that you're not breaking up with him or abandoning your plans together. (if you truly still love him.)

But the line you draw for yourself is that he must prove to you that he is trying everything he can to beat this addiction. Through his actions, will you know if he is #1) being honest, #2) being true to you, #3) If he really cares about your love. All the SO's here will tell you actions speak louder than words. And that is so true! At least from your post, he has already admitted he is an addict. That is the first step, now he needs to follow through!

I think you are a wonderful person in trying to help your b/f instead of leaving him, but... you cannot change him! He needs to change his life if he wishes to live healthier and to be deserving of your love. And if by his actions, he does not change and resorts to his old ways... well then, you will know what to do!

This is just my opinion, I hope it helps?

[Enid]

Thank you artguy, yes your opinions/advice really does help.

I think I know what I need to do, I'm just really having a difficult time doing it. I'm so scared for him.

[lightseeker]

Hi Enid,

As i am a single PA i do not understand your situation as the others here do, but what seems right in my mind is what has been mentioned already - I say if your willing and you love him then give him a chance but dont move out yet. People make mistakes and have the right to forgiveness and time to prove they can change, at the end of the day it is up to you to make that choice and to decide on how much you want to give, it is your life and you deserve to be happy. And yeh the proof is in the actions.

I hope things get better and work out the way you want!

By the way - to ask a stupid q, what is an enabler :-/
is it when a PA uses an SO as a reason to quit as opposed to quitting for himself?

[Desert Ghost]

Artguy, has some very sound advice about your situation. All I can add is that truly the bottom-line to your relationship has to be drawn by you. Since he has admitted to the addiction, if he has not gone for professional help or even joined TTF you need to be aware that he may not be serious about kicking the addiction.