Intro: A new member here

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

I've been with my SO for 4 years. We have 2 kids under 3 years of age. I found out that my SO was watching and downloading LOTS of porn after the birth of our first. I found out he is an addict after he accidently saved a load of files to my stuff, and saw on the d/t stamp that he was downloading and watching it in front of our 18month old son, shortly after this I found out I was pregnant again. I learned he was exposed to porn REGULARLY from the age of 3 on, by his stepfather whom watched it like the news infront of the kids.
He got my point that if he so much as dares to expose my kids to this cr*p again, I will report him to the authorities for child abuse!
However he has not yet gotten that his fervent downloading, labeling, categorizing, and saving of file upon file of porn is destroying us. The fact that he can name porn stars in a flat second means that they are GIRLFRIENDS and I have told him that I cannot be intimate with him anymore, but what does that bother when he has soooooooo many other women.
We are still fighting (the other day about me joining here), or the fact that I destroyed every picture and video we made (his unsuccessful idea to make him stop) because i couldn't feel like I'm competing anymore, or because us not having sex is "tit-for-tat" after his thousands of lies and devious behaviour, or because I "need to get over it, he's never gonna stop watching porn. He's been watching it for too long". Obviously he changes his tune after the fights and tries to be good, says all the right things, but always chooses to go back. He definately doesn't have the right support around him, his father and friends still watch it regularly and tell him as much as if to say "don't worry she'll get over it after 32 years, and you'll be able to do what you want".
To boot I'm a recovered cocaine addict of 4 years. I am a also a healer in my profession, but right now I want to DESTROY a few things. I'm here to help myself and my kids, but I as a recovered addict I have very strong views about how I did it, and how he is choosing to not do it!~X(
Thanks for any advice, I've read lots, but need more!

[Life-lies-trust]

Sorry to hear your story. Until he wants help you will continue to fight. Read the other stories and there is one about the email that Inshi recieved from his wife about the P. My husband is losing it and so am I

You may want to read this and his reply too.

I know it is hard to understand STUPID parents and what they inflict on their children. Then we have to deal with the child as an adult and their messed up reality. HUGS to you because you need one.

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Thanks. I've written him letters, he saves them and then accuses me of being afraid to talk directly to him. The fight this last time started because I did as he asked and spoke directly to him, so he got angry about the timing (though he started the conversation), then it was dissolved by me showing him that I'm working on myself, but in that I can feel myself let go of the relationship a little bit. I'm begining to lose touch with him. Since he lost touch with me after giving birth I don't know who's left to hold onto the relationship!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I am sorry you are hurting because of this. It seems like he has been doing this for a long while with your knoweldge and he doesn't want to care that he's hurting you. I say he doesn't want to care, because somewhere, the man who loves you probably does care, but if he admits it to himself, he will have to stop. So he lies, manipulates, rationalizes.... and it will never stop until he decides to stop it. What will make that happen? Who knows. But you have stuck it out with him for this long, so what incentive does he have to stop? His family and friends tell him its fine, you will deal with it and get used to it. So, he believes it. He also believes it because you are still there.

If you read through the forums, you will see that the PA has to hit rock bottom before he decides to change. I don't know what your PAs rock bottom is. I hope he gets it. But it doesn't seem like he is there yet.

This is a good place for healing and dealing with this addiction. But I don't believe it is possible for you and your marriage to heal if you are the only one dealing with his PA. You can't heal if he pours salt in the wounds every day, so to speak.

I hope you will post more on this site. It helps to clarify your thoughts to talk to us. It also helps to know you are not alone. Good luck on your journey.

[Crisodian]

h2B,
Welcome to TTF. I am the SO of a recovering PA with 2 children under the age of 4, and also a non-P addict in recovery for many, many years.

I have to concur with WoNLM. As a recovering addict yourself, you know that for an addict to truly beat their addiction into submission, they must admit they have a problem and the pain and hurt their problem is causing their loved ones around them. It sounds like your H either isn't ready to admit an addiction or he just doesn't care. I tend to believe it is more that he is in denial and playing the roll of the manipulating addict.

I hope you will come here and find support and solace knowing you are not alone in your feelings. We SOs here are also on the emotional carousel of PA.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Thank you for the support. Well he has learned to be a great manipulator and liar because of his addiction, he really has a knack with talking himself in & out of all kinds of situations. He admits it's a problem and says that he can see the same pain in my eyes as he saw in his moms for years, but still tries to convince himself and me that he has control of it because he is too ashamed to get help and there is so much propaganda out there that says porn is o.k. & healthy for men. I'm sure that since his mom hated it but never stood up for herself or her kids to stop it, he has to wonder if I shouldn't be able to deal with it. Also he always got out of other relationships before the PA surfaced, so a female saying "NO" to it is new. Also P is so new to me that I'm having to discover my boundaries as we go, I had honestly never been exposed to P before this.
I will remain on here for myself, it helps me get clear. Now begins my journey to get him on here.

[Crisodian]

h2B,
That's one of the most damaging parts of PA - the lying and destruction of trust we experience as SOs. It sounds like, from what you are sharing, your H, like so many others here, was an expert at lying and manipulating. My H was.

To me, it also sounds as if your H is still in denial. It sounds like out of one corner of his mouth he is saying "I have a problam" and out of the other corner " You should deal with it...all men do it." That says to me, not to be blunt, that he is not accepting full responsibility for his behavior and his addiction.

Your boundaries comment is important. It is important for you to determine what behavior you will and will not accept from your relationship with your H. Also what you expect from him during his recovery. I encourage you to learn what your boundaries are and spell those out clearly, in writing if necessary, to your H.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

Hello H2B,

I am a PA and Crisodian's husband. I can vouch that the lies and betrayal are harsh. It took me a long time to admit that. I can offer one little bit of advice that the other SO's may attest to... please ask your husband to join TTF and read the journals of other PA's and then read the journals of the SO's and what they go through. Maybe it will "click" in his mind and he can begin the road to recovery.

This is a place where he doesnt have to feel "ashamed" of his problem because at TTF, there have been all kinds of PA's. We all share the same guilt and shame. But at least he can gain support from others like himself. In fact I myself was exposed to P when I was 9 yrs old. So I can understand what he went through as a child.

One other thing as well... with you being a recovering addict, that can help him heal with his addiction because you will understand what he is going through and help him cope when it seems that others in his own family cannot do that for him.

I wish you luck, and please direct him here so he can read for himself how much this affects many people. AND that viewing P is not "normal".

Sincerely,
AG

[Life-lies-trust]

LOL artguy34
You are so right I allowed my PA back on the computer for this site.

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Thank you for the advice from a PA. I began writing out some things I want to say to him about what I've learned on here, and the journals are amazingly helpful even to me. He has said that he is an addict several times, then his ego chimes in & says "I'm not you, or any other addict. I don't have to completely erase the P from my life, just get it under control. I've gone from full length films to trailers, what more do you want?". He has this idea that he has to be able to control his addiction by having easy access to it (a few trailers downloaded to his PSP), and then exert enough control to not watch it. CRAZY!
I have to say that my magic number of how long I'm willing to deal with this situation is now set in my head. I told him that life is too short for me to waste 15 years with an unequal partner, but in the event that he stops hurting me & we last 10+ years 3 years of this HELL won't be so bad!