Intro: A new member here

[lightseeker]

HI h2bfa,

Welcome to this site,>:D<
My sympathies go out to you, i am a single PA so i just try to offer advice where i can. I dont really have much to add but just wanted to say that i second what Artguy said, since joining this site i have learned much about this addiction and it has helped me to maintain reality of what this addiction is doing to me and the potential devestation it will surely cause to any future relationship i have. What you said in that last post is crazy, in my experience you cant control the porn, you need to get rid of it, your husband needs to get to the bottom of why he feels he needs porn, yes it starts out as something 'fun that everyone does' but we are not school children anymore, we are adults in adult relationships, and we have responsibilities to ourselves and the people in our lives.
I will say though, as i have said many times before, that porn is the most deceptive thing i have ever encountered in my life, for most of my porn life i have always been under the impression that i could control the porn and stop when ever i wanted and it wasent until something clicked one day that i realised i could not control it anymore.
Your husband needs to realise and understand this addiction, he needs to admit to himself he is an addict and he needs to realise what he is doing to you. If after many times of telling him how you are hurting it still hasent clicked then he needs to see it from a different perspective, if everyone around him is telling him 'hey no problem, your wife will get over it' then he needs people to tell him otherwise and say 'hey look what this has done to us and my wife, my family etc look at all this destruction this has caused' so that is exactly why i 2nd AG for him to come here and read others experiences. He needs to wake up and stop fooling himself that he can control the porn, because he cant, why does it need to be controlled, why do we need the porn? we dont, we need to fix whatever is driving us to porn and replace it with what is natural and healthy.(ie a proper loving relationship and emotional connections).

Anyways sorry for long post, i guess i had more to add than i thought.

Take care

[artguy34]

Nice reply LS... you made some very valid points.

Porn causes a lot of problems for millions of people. But the bottom line is this... he already admitted he can't stop watching it (by saying he is addicted) and also, the fact that his viewing P hurts you.

Enough said, those are reasons enough to quit porn completely. Not just have a stash or reduce the amounts of P he views. And yes, there are those people who can view P and not be addicted because they dont get a high from it. Or couples who view it occaisionally to spice up their life. But when it becomes a necessity that one has to begin hiding, lying and being totally deceitful to the point of betraying their loved one? Hell-O! It is a problem. And I admit, I turned into that monster. Looking back on it now, I hate what I had become.

H2B, I hope your husband reads in these forums and can understand what this does to many lives!

Good Luck!

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Oh boy, he's basically making a bunch of noise and movement about "cleaning up, clearing out, and no more childish things in the new year".
Really? so the new full-length video and the 2 trailers on your psp isn't childish?
Oh and it's my fault that P affects me so much. I shouldn't care what he's doing with himself! Why don't I M instead of worrying about what he's doing!
If we were single people that would fly with me! Or if he weren't an addict that would fly with life, but just as ARTGUY pointed out it has been destructive in our relationship, he has hidden it and been deceitful, and hurtful to me over it. Hence I'm not o.k. with it! I would have no problem with P if it weren't a problem in my relationship!
I have innate senses about when he's faltering and the more noise he makes the worse he's being about his addiction, so things are gonna get rough her for the next few days!

[Crisodian]

I have innate senses about when he's faltering and the more noise he makes the worse he's being about his addiction, so things are gonna get rough her for the next few days!

Sure. Not to be too blunt but it's a bait and switch kind of tactic. That whole concept of if I make enough noise over here, no one will notice what I am really doing over THERE. So you are spot on. He's struggling and trying to figure out a way he can rationalize it to himself and figure out a way to hide it from you.

*sigh* I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. It's hard when an addict wont take responsibility completely for their addiction. There's no easy way to make them "get it" either.

I also do not believe he truly understands the damage he is doing to your relationship with his continued actions. IMO, it may be time for a very serious "line in the sand" kid of conversation. However, that is just my take reading what you are sharing.

Try to find some peace for yourself during the tough times.

~C~

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

I just had my epiphany! He wants to know what my problem is with P, he's my problem with P! So the next time he hurts me, lies to me, or neglects me because of it, He has to GO!

[lightseeker]

:-o:-< Will he come on here and read stories of others, it seems he does not understand, if he dosent understand what you are saying maybe the perspective of other SO's will help him understand?

[artguy34]

:-o:-< Will he come on here and read stories of others, it seems he does not understand, if he dosent understand what you are saying maybe the perspective of other SO's will help him understand?

That is a good idea lightseeker, but from what we are reading here, it seems that H2B's husband doesnt seem to care that his porn use is bothering her. That is a huge problem. He needs to care about what he is doing to her if he is going to find healing. He needs to care about her feelings and have enough remorse to want to quit hurting her. Until then, he will never gain the value of reading SO's journals here. He may even be derrogatory about them?

Just my opinion... but H2B, I think you are right drawing that line and standing your ground. Hopefully he will find the "Ah-ha" moment and begin his journey to recovery.

My heart goes out to you, good luck!

[lightseeker]

thats what im thinking, do you think he feels that h2b will not walk? how can he not care if he is going to loose her. Is the ultimatum itself the wake up call?

[little_wife]

I know that people shouldn't throw around ultimatums over silly things, but in some cases it is necessary. I know, for me, I could not live with it anymore. You need to ask yourself how much you can live with. To me, an ultimatum is where you truly are willing to walk to save yourself. It's not a bargaining tool to fix someone.

Anyway, H2B, I'm sorry that he's not seeing your pain. In many ways that could be the hardest aspect of this addiction is how it numbs someone's ability to express (feel, maybe?) empathy. I know it's scary to stand up for yourself but don't let it continue to make your needs, and you as a person invisible. SPEAK UP... it is the one thing that us SO's have to do to change our lives for the better.

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

I am making notes and preparing to show him these posts if necessary, as I told him yesterday that I need to talk to him in the next 24hrs.
I'm hoping that my ultimatum will be his turning point. If it's not, I'm certain that the thought living on his parents couch for even 1 day would be. I know that he doesn't want to be abandoned or lose his kids, but we need a chance to have healthy relationships with a man, not be shunned for a fantasy world in which we don't exist!
I'm so calm right now about everything, I finally have my thoughts together and am no longer allowing my vision to be blurred by his manipulations. It seems he can feel the change in me.