One year tomorrow.

[Chey143]

In ways it feels like yesterday. Everything has changed in our lives. I've changed. I know I'm not the nice person I used to be. I feel jaded and bitter still. I'm sure he doesn't like this new person, but it's the person I became after I knew what was true and what wasn't.

I feel pretty confident that he's stopped using - but there's always that tickle in your brain, that instinct that wants to protect itself. Inside my head the same thread runs around about how stupid I'd been for so many years and only a complete idiot would open herself up enough to let this happen again. The other part of my head tells me that I need to step up my game here and try to be a better person with just a little bit of faith - after all, it's not hurting anyone but me really.

I heard a great quote the other day...
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” ~~Friedrich Nietzsche

[mcp]

Wow. My Lord, this stuff is so destuctive. Don't worry about being bitter right now. Your brain and heart are still healing. Stay strong. I love the quote. How true is that??? I hate having the knowledge that my reality is different than his reality. Someday you won't have to be hypervigilant. do something nice for yourself today.

[Charly22]

I understand your reluctance to fully trust and believe, been there, done that. Don't knock yourself for it....it is there for a reason. But what a wonderful thing to hear you say that you are pretty sure that he's stopped! I pray this continues to help the both of your flourish together.

[Chey143]

Thanks Charly. I hope I'm just not being naive. I have so many issues. I would have never guessed what a toll this would have on every part of me.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Chey-

I don't think it can be considered naive to extend a little faith that things can work out in your relationship. You are working on things, but you are not blind. You know what to look out for and hopefully your husband really has stopped. But more importantly, I hope he is working actively to repair the damage he has caused by being loving, understanding, and faithful above all.

This does touch everything in our lives. But I do believe it is possible that things can be better than before. Its hard though. Its been a year for you. Do you feel better than you did a year ago? Is the pain less sharp? I want to know because I am waiting for that to happen!

[Chey143]

It's still a struggle. I think everyone's story is different and I think my healing is slower than most because my first marriage failed due to his internet dealings with women and my current husband knew that and has hidden his use of porn from me during our whole relationship. That said, I have stopped blaming myself - he had a responsibility not to do this or at least tell me so that I could have made an informed decision about my future.

I can only tell you that for for myself that I have had to distance myself from him in a lot of ways. Self protection kicking in. I see him differently - I've lost respect for him and look at his character flaws much more harshly.

For me it's like having that great dog that would never bite anyone and then one day he does. Will you ever look at that dog the same way again? Will you ever fully trust it again? Maybe. But never in the same, complete way. Make no mistake. There is real damage done.