"Relations" after PA

[debv]

I wrote yesterday in my journal that I can't even imagine s3x with my husband after learning of his PA. I can't stand the thought of him having watched 1450+ women (2x a week * 52 weeks * 14 years) nude engaged in P then having him look at or touch me. I can't stand the thought of the acts he watched them perform and having him imagine that with me (and he had been acting some of it out with me before I found out about the PA) and I can't imagine him comparing me to all those T&A enhanced, surgically and digitally perfected bodies. I literally cried yesterday just thinking about it. Another SO wrote that she doesn't feel emotionally connected to her husband right now and wants s3x for the connection it provides. If others don't mind sharing, I'm wondering how others handle this. Have you been able to have relations after learning of his PA? If so, how long did it take you to feel comfortable doing it, and how did you manage to reach that comfort level? This, I think, is going to be the biggest stumbling block to keeping my marriage together, because neither of us wants to be in a s3xless marriage the rest of our lives (though he has said he will wait as long as I need him to.)

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

debv-

Thanks for putting this out there. I was wondering how others handle this, but I was embarrassed to bring it up.

[mcp]

yeah, gotta admit, I don't find him to be all that attractive right now. Also, I am not comfortable in my own flesh. I know that on the surface, I look pretty good. However, how does one compete with digitally enhanced, 20 somethings doing things that I won't? Also, I wonder if holding out is a way to punish for their behavior.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

my husband didn't care who he looked at or chatted with. He wasn't looking for younger, or hotter, he was just looking for something else, anything else. I don't which I would prefer... him wanting something younger and hotter, or him just wanted ANYTHING ELSE, not me.

I don't know why it doesn't repulse me to sleep with him. I get what you are saying, mcp, about holding out as a way to punish him. Its like, you look at whatever you want, you do whatever you want, and you still get me too? Where's the justice.

But, I do believe he loves me and I believe him when he says that for him, it is not the same. He has his family, me, our relationship, its all in one corner. Then he has his fantasy life, that's another corner. He knows he hurt me, but to him, what he was doing did not diminish his feelings for me. So, in his twisted way, it was all ok. I don't know where I am going with this.

I guess this is the only comfort I get right now. Its the illusion of closeness. So, sometimes, I take what I can get.

[mcp]

ok ladies, need some input. I look to you to decide if I am nuts, cause it's all sort of hazy to me. Last night, we were talking and I said, I am still waiting for the shoe to drop. My anxiety level is very high. i said, I am waiting for the pattern to return. The him shutting me out. he said, (wait for it...) it's a goodie... well, couples should have outside interests. we do the majority of things together. YOU (meaning me) should have hobbies that don't include me.

I have been married for a long time prior to this relationship. I am used to being part of a couple. I require attention. I am 40 years old, I don't really have hobbies. I work at a demanding job that requires me to be out of the house for 55 hours a week. After my day, I clean, cook, do laundry, do things at home. On the weekend, I expect my pa to do things with me.

I think in my crazy co dependant way, the hobbies he is referring to is his PA. Like, look, I need some privacy to conduct some business... some pa business.

Am I paranoid?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

If he is talking about his PA as a hobby... kick him now! OK, no violence, but seriously.... WTF?

If PA is his hobby, then he is clearly still in denial.

Maybe though, he really thinks you both need hobbies. You will just have to pencil it in around your job, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dealing with his issues, dealing with your healing... sure, find some time. If his PA hobby has been causing distance between you, and I am sure it has, then I don't think more distance is what you need now. How about a hobby together? He can go to support groups, that will be his "thing" outside of you.

Good luck on this. And good for you for restraining any urges to kick him when he made the "P is my hobby" allusion.

[mcp]

i know! wtf is right on. I think at this point, i have just found his other hobbies to be entertaining. not the pa, obviously, but other things. We do things together, but i guess they started out as his interests and I went along, and liked it. I am hating him right now. i am feeling the urge to do mean things to him. Like i have 5 loads of laundry to do today. i want to just do mine. Passive aggressive. He has had it far too good for far too long.

I am so gonna throw him under the bus in therapy. Then throw it in reverse and back up over him again. So childish, not just him, but me. I bet he is gonna be looking for some affection today. ew, gagging. I like how he goes to counciling, then we go together 2 weeks later. What a DH. so I have to sit in the anxiety and he has two weeks to work on me.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

mcp-

Passive agressive is my tool. You can't have it! Just kidding. I have my passive agressive moments, but I am trying not to. Its hard.

I hope your therapy is not a tool to beat each other up. Why so long between his session and yours together?

I hope you day goes better. Five loads of laundry does not sound like the start of a good saturday!

[mcp]

I am wondering.... wowsy, to say it outloud... maybe I don't love him anymore. Maybe I never did. (chest pain) Maybe he was seemingly 'safe' as he did not drink. Maybe this is all just BS. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and to feel safe. I wanted a man I could be proud of. Maybe I have set a standard that no man could ever live up to. Which seems par for the course considering that P give all of us a sense of what we must live up to in order to feel good about ourselves.

[mcp]

i think its two weeks, cause you know, it's all my problem. I am silly and girlie. Good lord, I feel bitter. waiting this long was not a good idea.