"Relations" after PA

[debv]

I will, tomorrow is Advent 2, Lessons and Carols, one of my favorite church services of the year. I can't help but feel better with lessons and carols.

[Crisodian]

I definately have days where I don't even want to feel better and I don't want some rah rah happy person to tell me look on the bright side. There really is no bright side most of the time, is there?

I had a crap night last night myself. Lots of nastiness and anger. But, after I came here to brood, I felt better? Go figure. Must have been something in the air....

I am having a hard time getting into the holidays this year myself but so far I have been able to fake it for the 4 year old. The 2 year old doesn't know any better, thankfully.

Today has been better but I'm still not ready to be the perky cheerleader ;)

One day a time. Even hour by hour if needed.
~C~

[debv]

My boys are 13 and 11. The 13yo knows we're fighting and in counseling but doesn't know about what. The 11yo seems oblivious. I'm having trouble with the holiday spirit too but not having decorated my house doesn't help. I'll try to do some on Tuesday, I have the day off school/finals week and will need to do something besides study and mope around this web site, and cleaning and decorating the house will help.

[Mefree]

Ouch. My parents were big fighters but I acted like it never bothered me. I think it really bothers us all, though. We were never the traditional 'happy family' during Christmas, but that just lead me to find the Christmas spirit by myself. Now that I'm on my own, getting into the mood of the holidays is much easier and more enjoyable.
Not to metion I'll be a month clean Christmas day. All the better.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

The holidays are going to be rough this year. But I agree with debv, having the house undecorated doesn't help. I plan to do some decorating tomorrow.

My toddler doesn't know anything is up. I think my teen doesn't either, but though he may be oblivious most of the time, he is not stupid. I don't want to put my kids through what Mefree went through with fighting parents. I must try to do better.

debv- enjoy your church service tomorrow. I love church the most at Christmas time. I too am looking forward to going.

Have a good night all.

[mcp]

I am re-reading some posts from the begining of the month and end of November. Wow, i was crazy. Certifiably crazy. With good reason, but wow. What a difference some time, some typing, and good advice from cyber friends has made.

I looked over some posts, some were funny, some were angry, some of the words stung me like salt on a fresh wound.

I am tired of being obsessed with his obsession. I am tired of worrying. I want to live a normal life, whatever normal is. I want to go into the new year feeling confident, smart, good enough and loved. If I can't have the latter from him, I am going to love myself. Either way, there will be love.

Geez, here I go again... Posting in the wrong place!!!! Anyway, have a fabulous New Year, be nice to my friends, one issue at a time, love yourself!

[Pinky]

I will have been married almost 11 years now.
when I married him i just knew he was the one I Had been waiting for. S#x was OK at first but i got to noticing he did not want me as much.
I got asking what was wrong and all he would say was you just would not understand.
So I waited and waited. I prayed for God to show me If I was wrong so I would say off his back about this.
Or to show if I was right.
My brother died and we could not leave till the morning to come home.
I went to bed so I could rest for the 10 hour trip.
I woke up at 3 o clock just a alarm clock went off in my :-ohead and I would turn the hall light on when i was going in the kitchen.
As I got to the den there he stood in front of the TV watching a show with a women talking about how bad she was and could get.
that was Turing him on.i could not believe my eyes to what he was doing.
I let my anger out and I well I just lost it so i cursed and slapped him.
he did not care that I had to go home and bury my brother.
That is when I really found out hat what I had taught all alone was right. I don't know If that was away for God to show me or not but I was very angry.I felt God had taking my brother away to show me what I had been asking all along.
That was in 2003 so I knew for sure.We worked on his PA and he told me he did not do it anymore but still would not have anything to do with me.
I would go to bed hoping my husband would take me as his wife but he would turn me down.
I would turn over and cry myself to sleep and all he would do it pat me on the back and say it will be OK.I have done that so many times I dare to count them.
On November 21 2009 he left because that alarm clock went off in my head and what was he doing M/B so I told him I could not take it anymore . Instead of standing up and fighting for us he left. He came home March 22 he said he was going back to Mississippi to finish a job.
In 4 week he would be done with the job. he would come home and we would work on it 100 and 10 % and if it did not work then we could say we tried.
I know this is long but I have to tell someone because it is tearing my heart out.
I he did not have this pa problem he would be the man I dreamed of.
he is so good to me I have had 4 back surgeries and he has been here for me all the way ,
The little demon on his shoulder will not leave him along.
He told me on the th the day he left again that he had loved me as a friendship not as a wife.
I love him still today as I did when I married him .I know I am crazy but it took me 40 years to fall in love with someone. I never knew what love can do to a person.
After we had 3 days to talk about it the more it scared me to what I was hearing.
I don't know now if I want him back .
For almost 11 years I have had the worse panic attacks he has ever seen come in the ER.
I just knew I was having a heart attack.when he was gone I did not have them but when he came back the other day I started having then and get hot flashes.
I see that he plays a big roll in me being depressed and the panic attacks.
Are they ever healed from the PA?
Should I try and forget the past and try to work it out or should I let him go. I know it is going to be hard on me I don't forget easy
This ~X(is the anger I get when I get mad at him.
I know that is not good on my to get that angry.I am afraid to pray for a sign again. Please someone help me get in or get out