Gut Feelings

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Pandora,

You said,
"That's one of the beauties of this site- we fail forward together."

I thought the word fail must be a typo, and maybe you meant sail. But then I thought, maybe you did mean fail, or if its a typo, its still a beautiful thought.

The PAs here relapse. To me, that is a fail. Sorry PAs, but stick with me here. The SOs here also relapse. My husband is on day 30 or so of sobriety. I have barely made it 5 days without saying mean, horrible, hateful, horrifying things to him. I have started "day 1 with no tirades" about 20 times now. I fail. I become someone I don't like. I have heard other SOs say the same thing on here. But, we fail, and we still all, SOs and PAs, move forward, at least eventually.

So, Pandora, this is a place where we can sail forward. Its also a place where we can fail forward together too. Thank you for that thought. Its nice to not be alone.

[mcp]

yes, I agree. I have my very own set of short comings to deal with. it ain't all about the PA. Although, they would like us to believe that it is.

[Pandora's Hope]

Ladies,
There was no typo. I did mean "fail forward together".

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done-work with my husband to save a marriage that was nearly thrown away by PA. He had to fail several times before he got the hang of sobriety, and I had to fail a bunch more times before I started to get the hang of my own end of the deal. I was not exaggerating in another post when I spoke of my own inner harpy and shrew. I had no idea I was capable of being so vicious and relentless until the hurt I felt as a result of PA was deep enough to bring her out in me. And I was inevitably as ashamed of myself afterwards as my husband was when he was caught in his last relapse.

WoNLM, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now!! >:D< You get it! BIG HUGE YAY for you!!! =D>

It's only failure if you don't "fail forward" : Figure out what led to the failure and correct that thing. And if you fail again, you figure out and correct again. And now you've fixed two problems. And so on, til you look back one day and see that you've really started to get the hang of recovery.

I didn't believe that could happen when I first came here three months or so ago. I was hurt, defeated, humiliated, and absolutely enraged, to the point of starting to become bitter... I saw absolutely no hope for my marriage. I was burned out and had had it. Living with his addiction (although I didn't really get that it was an addiction yet) had beaten me down, degraded me, defiled our marriage, and caused me to lose all hope. All I could see then was that I'd picked another loser, end of story.

But the night that I decided to start seriously thinking about how and when to end this marriage, something (or Somebody) made me find this forum and start reading, then posting, then the next morning I showed it to my husband (more to shame and scold him than to educate him, to be honest) and he started reading, and then posting, and, now, one baby step at a time, we have been clean for more than three months-and our marriage is gaining a richness, depth, and maturity it's never had before. Just three short months of some very hard work, and life is better than I've ever known it- and in a drama-free way. (Gosh, it's wonderful to live in a drama-free zone...)

As I see my husband doing the right things and making the right choices consistently, I've been able to slowly start gaining some real trust and faith in him. We've stopped attacking each other and started to fix our own problems and allow each other to fix their own as well.

And so, we have failed forward.

Although I love your image of sailing forward, too.... so very relaxing and peaceful! That will be my mental vacation spot today when I need one. Thank you :)

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Pandora,

I am glad I got what you were saying. I had to think it through on my own to really get it.

[Pandora's Hope]

WoNLM,
We ALL have to figure it out on our own. As my husband once wrote in a novel: "When failure knocks on your door, invite it in and get to know it real good. And then you kick its ass. After that, that particular failure will be afraid to ever visit you again."
And on that note,
Have a wonderful day, and an even better tomorrow!
P.

[Crisodian]

Pandora,
Thank you! You have put into words what I have been unable to. "Fail forward" is perfect!

Two pieces that really mean something to me:

The best part of this site is you are guaranteed to find someone with whom you share a common thread of experience. There is no shame here, and I mean that in the best possible way. No matter what you admit here, someone else has seen it, done it, or thought it- and there's a real peace and freedom in that knowledge.

We may feel we have to hide this part of our lives from our "real world" friends- but here, we have the freedom to be completely open, honest, and transparent- and that's a real gift.

and

As I see my husband doing the right things and making the right choices consistently, I've been able to slowly start gaining some real trust and faith in him. We've stopped attacking each other and started to fix our own problems and allow each other to fix their own as well.

Both very powerful statements. After another tough emotional night here, I wish I had seen these posts 12 hours ago...lol

Continuing to fail forward,
~C~

[Charly22]

I have a comment on "gut feelings". I do believe that our instincts are there to guide us. And in a "perfect world", we could totally rely on them, and them alone.

In this world of porn addiction, suspicion, bitterness, lack of faith and hope, I have been proven that what I percieve as my "gut feeling" is nothing but paranoia, suspicion, and lack of trust, and had to walk away with my tail between my legs. So, it was a hard blow to have to admit that my gut feeling was not right.

We expect that they are addicted. We've been hurt. We've been lied to over and over. How in the hell can we perceive anything other than they will do it again. So, the least little thing would send me into accusing mode, and I just knew for certain that I was right, and like I said, have been proven wrong.

The bitterness and anger and suspicion that consumed me, turned me into something that I could not even trust myself. An awful place to be.

The goal is to get yourself to a place where you are able to trust yourself, and be able to give someone credit where credit is due. Without that, then we are no longer "supporting" anyone. Just a flipside to the gut feeling.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

charly,

Thank you for your comments. It is SO easy to be paranoid now. It is obvious that gut feelings aren't always reliable. Although I caught my husband 2 years ago with P, he told me he was done and I believed him for 2 years. I had no gut feelings whatsover. So, now I don't trust myself at all. I was so wrong about him then. Now even when it seems like he's actually trying to change now, I don't want to believe it. Not that I don't want to believe in him necessarily, its just that I don't trust myself to know what's true or not true now.

Your comments about gut feelings can definately go both ways. I can't trust my gut that something is going on, nor can I trust my gut that nothing new is going on. Its like limbo.

I am glad in your case that your gut was wrong. It sucks to become a crazy paranoid person (me... not you), but its nice to know that even if we think the worst, the worst is not always happening. :)

[little_wife]

I swear it's sometimes like dancing on quicksand. Sometimes its a good footing and other times it just sucks you in.

[Miki]

I swear it's sometimes like dancing on quicksand. Sometimes its a good footing and other times it just sucks you in.

It is! And I really hate to say it, but after all of this- my gut instinct was right. I understand it doesn't mean I will be right in the future though.