Huge regrets

[regrets]

Hello
I sit here wondering where my life has gone & where it's going now, so I thought I would write this to help me get my head together, unburden myself of these secrets I've kept for so long & accept just how far out of whack my marriage has become. I will apologise ahead of time for the lengthiness, 24 yrs of marriage to a PA is alot to get through. Before I start though I would like to point out that I understand it's an"addiction" I understand it wasn't meant to hurt me & it's not because I'm ugly.. in fact that's part of the problem in all modesty I am very attractive & he has "trophy wife syndrome " if there is such a thing... I still care for him..He is a good man but I have learnt that I can only control what happens to me & my happiness should not be left in the hands of others.

I met him was I was just 19. The lies started from the very beginning. That's the thing about any addiction..they learn to be consummate liars & will eventually lie about anything if it gets them what they want. He's very needy too & what he does is wear me down until I give in..He constantly encouraged me to give up working ,he liked the idea of having me available to him. I remember the first time I saw the huge box of P mags (pre-internet) I had no idea PA even existed.

I had no problem with a couple of mags & videos even shared them with him to "spice" things up but this was crazy. He owns his own business so was able to hide so many things. They were everywhere! In all the cars, trucks,the office,garage, hidden at home. he would watch P movies every chance he got & I've learnt it seemed to particularly be triggered by stress or boredom. But that still wasn't enough...then I found a letter from another women..he had written to a s@x contact mag by then I had our first son, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone & I guess I wanted to believe his lies because the option was to be alone & divorced. I didn't have a happy childhood & that was the last thing I wanted so I stayed & kept telling myself he would change. He never did. & I kept finding things.. including condoms in his car (which we don't use).. but by the time my 2nd son was born I knew I was trapped. By now it was like he had this secret s@x life. I knew he had a fetish for legs & hosiery but worse was still to come...

when I found his latest secret..piles of gay/ shim mags & he was dressing up in my hosiery & heels. He had nude photos of himself with the face scratched out & various other things.. I just couldn't understand how the good man I married the one that kept saying he loved me was the same leading the secret life. Everytime a bit of my love would shrivel up & die. .despite everything I didn't understand the depth of his problem & his PA was escalating to the point where he would look at "anything". I got all the excuses..just curious...not into that..so sorry won't happen again..please don't leave etc etc ..you know the story...but added to this was always that bit of the blame on me..if I was more approachable he wouldn't feel the need to hide.

So again for the sake of my boys I tried to keep it together. I was so desperate I was willing to do anything to try and bring our S life back to being about us & so I did the single most stupid thing in my life (besides marrying him) I let him wear me down... telling me my legs were so much better than all the others until I let him take a few tasteful leg/hose photos & post them under strict conditions that we would NEVER show my face & no nudity, no one else was to know & when it stopped being fun, we stopped. I thought I could control this. All of a sudden he didn't need all the rest of the P only me. I naively saw a way to stop the secret life

For a while it was exciting & easy to get caught up. I finally had a H that was focusing all his energies on me..I was special, he couldn't wait to see me everyday, no more long hrs at work (looking at P) & it was "our" secret. For the first time in a long time I felt loved, sexy & wanted but I realise now for all the wrong reasons. He was excited about the "fans' of guys who started emailing me & he even set up a postal box as they wanted to send gifts.Everything was great & S was nearly everyday. Then he started wearing me down for more explicit photos even swore on his brother's grave they were for his eye's only,no one else would ever see them & they would never be posted. It wasn't long before I realised he had developed a secret sex life again only this time I was one of the biggest starring sl*ts in it. I said that I wanted it all to stop & all the photos destroyed but the fantasies took more & more hold of him ..especially at work where he neglected the business spending endless hours in chat rooms.swapping my photos (yes the one's meant only for him) & who knows what else. I was no longer his wife & friend only the sl*tty wife who in his fantasy mind would do anything anytime with anyone. He offered me to other men & became excited at the thought of what they were doing to my photos.He sent them to a couple in a S contact mag & I found the letter they sent in response. I've never gotten that "vibe" from him but for some reason besides the other P he had a particular interest in "shims" & men in hosiery But to make it even worse he was sending the photos with my face. He had secret hotmail accounts etc. it was consuming him & everytime we argued I would get the same story so sorry please don't leave I'll fix myself etc etc now with an added I wish you were ugly then this wouldn't have happened.Is this another addiction that I haven't heard of? Obsession with one's own wife?

Those photos were 10 yrs ago & yet here I am every so many months having the same fight & him swearing the photos are now all gone of course not to be confused with the last 100 times he swore the photos were all gone. He has hidden copies of them in the ceiling at work, made copies on a CD & taped them to the bottom of a drawer. One of the last times I caught him he ran & put the laptop in water just so I couldn't see what he had been up to. There's so many more things he's done but I guess you all get the picture. & yes he has seen counselors & psychologists but until HE is ready to change he will never stop.
I promised myself that if this was still happening by my 40th I would call it quits but that came & went & here I still am now 42 & filled with regrets for a life I could have had.

Last Friday I finally had enough. Unbelievably that very morning he was telling me he no longer saw me in that way & didn't want men looking at me...but I caught him once again. He had secretly bought a new laptop , hidden it at work & has been posting my photos on websites & webcamming, secret hotmail etc & all sorts of P & photos of men he'd asked to "monitor me" I hadn't heard of the term before & now wish I never did. I literally felt sick when I read his emails to others & so violated yet again. I asked him to leave & he has at least packed a bag & gone but he is trying to wear me down.
I know this really is the last time. I deserve better. I don't want to be a doormat anymore.I can't control what he does nor do I want to.

To know him you would never in a million years guess he's such an easy going nice guy & I can't bring myself to tell people what he's done as not only do I feel part of the shame is mine but I don't want my boys to have to deal with this & I still care for him. He is a good man with a sickness. Obviously I've written the things that relate to his PA or SA whatever it is but it's hard to explain the other side of him he genuinely loves me in his own way, he really is a good man & that has led to many a clash in my feelings for him.

I found out that at least 1 of the guys at our work has seen my photos on my husbands comp & has told another friend. I'm terrified someone will recognise me or one of my son's friends will see them. I only hope that this is finally the last of the photos. The addiction may be a reason but it's not an excuse. Now the hardest part of a new life begins for both of us.

My advice to everyone..trust your gut instinct..if your SO has let you down more than once RUN...don't waste your life & have regrets

Fool me once...shame on you...Fool me twice...shame on me!

[Crisodian]

I'm sorry you have so many regrets, and I am sorry it seems like your PA has yet to accept responsibility for his actions, even now. That is very difficult and emotional for an SO. What's worse, however, is it appears, from what you are sharing, that he betrayed your trust utterly and completely. I can understand your bitterness.

I have not walked your journey, which sounds much more challenging than my own. From what you have shared, I can understand why you feel the way you do.

However, I chose to walk the path of recovery with my PA. IMO, I have no one to blame but myself for my choice, if things do not work out in the end. I will at least know, for my own situation and journey, that I did all I could to honor the promise I made him.

Everyone's journey is different. I wish you the best in yours. Find a path to peace.

~C~

[Learning to Trust]

Hello Regrets thank you so much for sharing your painful story. I got some comfort or relief I guess in something in particular that you mentioned similar to my own experience. I too have done certain things which also I will take responsibility for my own willing actions and admit they were exciting and easy to get caught up with but yet at the same time I know that beneath it a big part of it is that feeling of getting more seemingly genuine attention and interest from your PA and also just simply wanting to feel desirable in general. Thank you although I felt this at the same time sometimes I felt it was just me trying to make up excuses to make me feel better about what I was doing I guess. As I mentioned I still take responsibility for my actions but it helps a little to hear someone else describe such a very similar experience and resulting actions or reactions and feelings or emotions as my own in that situation.

[regrets]

Thankyou for your replies,

Crisodian... Thankyou for your reply...I applaud your strength... I truly hope things work out for you. After giving so many chances & sticking it out for so long I appreciate it takes just as much courage to stay as it does to leave & neither path is easy. At some point though as much as we want to support our PA's & for our marriages to work we must look after ourselves & draw a line for our own sanity & emotional well being.

LTT ...after reading so many posts here I can understand so many of the feelings expressed by all the SO's but there are a few that seem to strike a nerve & I can really relate to. I wish this wasn't what we had in common.
Like you I take responsibility for my actions but I can't take responsibility for his. Anything I agreed to was always within the trust & safety of my marriage or at least that's what believed. I never in a million years thought he would display the photos he did, let alone with my face.The betrayal has been huge. problem is we're not just talking about sexy pics anymore he was sending & posting these pics right along side normal everyday photos that were taken just recently..photos of us on holiday ...with friends...at a wedding etc...Innocent normal photos but everytime he would then crop me or my face & then tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me & how I made his heart skip a beat.Things that every normal wife wants to hear but for me it just a constant reminder that I was part of his addiction. Then I read his hotmail & see the other things he's said about me to other men & I feel like he has prostituted me for his pleasure. I don't doubt he loves me but his PA has twisted it to something ugly.

the more this happened the higher my wall went to around my heart to protect myself..I didn't trust him...I can't remember the last time we truly kissed or shared an intimate moment, let alone the last time we had sex....one of the last times we did it had been sometime after one of his PA lapses & I had finally yet again decided that if I was going to stay I had to bring the wall down & give everything... I began to cry straight afterwards... i couldn't stop...I remember I had a feeling of overwhelming sadness because I remembered how beautiful making love can be & how far out of whack our marriage had become & because it had taken me so much courage to let that wall down & I begged him not to hurt me anymore I begged him to stop everything.I begged him to assure me the photos were truly gone.i pleaded for this to be the last time I had to go through this... Of course it wasn't & the more it happened the more withdrawn I became...I was so uncomfortable knowing what thoughts he really had of me that I wouldn't even dress or shower in front of him because i wasn't comfortable with him seeing me naked.. I was worried I featured so highly in his fantasies that it would trigger off another PA lapse.we had become companions rather than lovers... on a day to day basis we got along fine.. walks on the beach in the afternoons...going out for coffee etc.& everytime he would continually profess his love for me it would trigger something in me & upset me & I would always say I would rather not hear it ...& that actions speak louder than words..all the while not realizing he still had my photos.

Ironically I had become the very thing I hated..I had become part of his addiction.
He rang last night & we talked ...i feel his pain as much as he feels mine..I don't doubt he knows what he's done & how much he's hurt me. It would be even more ironic if it took losing me for it to finally "click" & for him to stop his PA. If I had realised that I would have left years ago for both our & our sons benefits. He has made an appointment to go back to see a psychologist that he saw before & felt comfortable with.
In a post to someone else I wrote that the reason they do this to us is because we let them I guess what I was trying to say is staying is not always the best option for ourselves or our PA's.It's just an observation on my part & before anyone says anything I'm sure there are PA's here who have clicked without needing to go that far..but just in general & IMO it would seem that as long as they have the security of knowing we will always give them another chance, as long as we accept the hurt whether intentional or not..they may never hit rock bottom & need to change.

I'm not bitter just tired,sad emotional...mourning the loss of my marriage. I had always hoped this would never have to go this far but I have accepted it's over. He needs to understand he needs to let me go...maybe if I'm not the victim then we can be friends & I can support him without the added pain.

We have decided to just tell everyone we have agreed to separate & don't wish to discuss it. This is hard enough we don't need the shame & embarrassment of other people knowing & airing out our dirty laundry for the gossiping pleasure of others. As I said I'm not bitter I have no intention of trying to blame & embarress him to justify the breakdown of our marriage.

just one last opinion & I guess what I really want to say to all the SO's out there....
If you love your husband & you truly believe he can change by all means do everything you can to try & save your marriage...
BUT know your limits an obsession with trying to save your marriage & police them is just as bad as their PA.
Take a good hard look at yourself & when you see you've lost your self respect or worth , when you see you've sunken to the depths of despair,when your hurting yourself or having bad thoughts, when you don't like the person you've become... it's time to stop worrying about saving your marriage & just save yourself. In turn it just may be what your PA needs to save themselves.

[Mefree]

Regrets,
I don't know what to say. Your story speaks for itself. I am truly glad I chose to beat my addiction before having a serious relationship. I don't think I could bear the guilt of hurting my partner in such a way.
Even so, I know you did the right thing. Forcing yourself to live with such a toxic problem without any signs of improvement is ultimately wrong. It seems to me your H made his decision, and his decision was to give in to his obsession. He loves you now and may always love you, but the drive of someone so addicted overpowers all. You have my honest condolences; no one should have to live through such a situation.

The support of an SO can work wonders, but it is always the personal convictions of the one who is addicted that determine whether or not the relationship can stand.

[Learning to Trust]

Regrets I think that is something to notice in most of the SO/PA cases that it does more harm to keep forgiving over and over than to make that final ultimatum firm and really stand by it. I mentioned this in one of my posts on my own journal I feel if I continue putting up with his addiction we both end up losing in the end at least in my own situation because he goes deeper into his addiction without any real consequences always confident in my continuing forgiveness and I end up becoming more and more miserable and clearly unhappy as I have been therefore very possibly resulting in pushing him further towards his addiction to avoid having to deal with and see me which reminds him of the truth about what he is doing. The ugly change you mention of someone you don't recognize I can completely relate to that even in my short less than a year experience which pales in comparison to your 24 years of effort and self sacrifice into your marriage.

I have chosen to give my husband that last and final chance I hope and pray with all my heart that I won't have to follow through with the consequences of him continuing on the path he has been but I am fully determined to do so after these last several incidents all within the span of about a week where he showed no sincere regret or remorse in any single one. Even in simply making up my mind and feeling this determination to follow through if it sadly becomes necessary I have felt a slight bit more in control and ease of myself in some sort of way. I was speaking to one of my friends last night and she even commented to me saying I sounded more calm and at peace than I had recently. I think perhaps part of it is not having to fear that its going to go on forever. It basically ends now either because he really chooses to change and stop it or its going to end because I actively stop it but either way I now know I do not have to live the rest of my marriage and life feeling as I have lately.

Regrets you have tried and tried and tried no one including him can say you didn't and I commend you for your strength and endurance in doing so. From your story and your feelings and emotions expressed here you have made the right decision to let go after so many chances and such a long time. He probably does love you and perhaps always will like Mefree mentioned but the addiction has such control over him. I relate to your story in this too my husband also to know him no one even has a clue he is just the greatest most perfect seeming husband ever. My grandfather nearly never fails to tell me when I see him that I have a great man to take care of him and that I won the lottery with him. In my mind I'm thinking yes grandpa if you only knew while I smile and nod my head agreeing with him telling him yes I know. In reality though I do agree he is a good man good husband and yes he does love me but the addiction also has a strong grip on him. With that addiction removed from him yes he will be like gold or the "lottery" husband as my grandpa says I just hope it will be while he is still married to me.

You mention not telling anyone about this which I can understand being hesitant about it but I hope there is at least someone you can confide at least some of the real story if not all. Even if there is only one person in your family you can trust sufficiently and feel comfortable with I think will be a great help and relief of that stress of putting on the fake facade to cover up. Don't let the feelings of shame or embarassment about things which are not your fault completely isolate you from confiding in someone you can trust and feel sufficiently comfortable with. When you confide in someone it does bring some comfort and relief I think well at least it has to me.

Remember when letting go yes it hurts but with time it will pass and heal. While you are still there the wound is constantly torn open and never gets a chance to heal. Of course things are always easier said than done but if you had the strength to endure everything as long as you did then you can have the strength to endure the time it will take for the pain of leaving and ending that chapter of your life to pass.

Find the healing you need and deserve. Find the happiness you need and deserve. Find peace within yourself. Find the woman you really are instead of the stranger you feel like you've become. In time also after your heart has had time to heal you will also find and be ready to accept the love you really and truly deserve from someone.

My prayer for myself at this very moment is that I won't have to come back and read the last that I wrote to you above for myself in the future.

[Crisodian]

Find the healing you need and deserve. Find the happiness you need and deserve. Find peace within yourself. Find the woman you really are instead of the stranger you feel like you've become. In time also after your heart has had time to heal you will also find and be ready to accept the love you really and truly deserve from someone.

Beautifully said LT.

~C~

[regrets]

OK well fast forward a week .......a week of sobriety from my H & his PA... although it took several days to track down the various websites from his hotmail & delete my photos which was painful.. worse still are the ones I know are out there sent to other men in emails but there's nothing I can do about that now. I understand this was his addiction escalating but it still doesn't make me feel better about the betrayal.

It's such a difficult decision to finally break free..I think I've cried more this last week than in my 24 years of marriage (& believe me that's saying something!)...but while I've felt my resolve waiver at the thought of being alone & missing his companionship I know it's the best choice for both of us... I've been married for more than half of my life..it's pretty much all I know.& being part of a couple is now a part of my identity I no longer have.. Add to this all our friends are couples & I don't work so I don't have my own circle..it makes it twice as hard.I know what you're thinking co dependent? perhaps.. it has crossed my mind but more likely right now it's just me getting my feet on the ground & the insecurities of being alone & single. Deep down I know I have the courage I just have to find it under all the years of pain. I had a pity party on Thursday which hit me hard but it was also a bit of a turning point. I realised so many years of distrust ,unhappiness etc made me change over the years with how I deal with things or see other people. I want to do things that I want to & hopefully find myself along the way. So as of this week I've got plans to start doing a few short courses & latin dancing lessons. Nothing really long term because I'm not in the right frame of mind yet but enough to get me off to a good start & build confidence. i'm not interested in finding another man right now...I've had many offers over the years & I know I wouldn't be short of company but it's not what I'm looking for.. I'd just be happy to find a single like minded group of friends right now.

As for my H well he "seems" to have accepted what he has done & just how much of a hold his addiction has on him..It has cost him dearly not only in losing me but his home, family & all the shame & guilt which goes with it all. Does he have the resolve to finally fix himself for his own sake ..well only time will tell & now he really has no one to lie to except himself. I started another thread in Questions for PA's called....has anyone really ever quit...there's some really interesting insights & I'd urge the SO's out there to read it. He has asked me to help him through his recovery..I've told him I will but I can't as his wife..I can't be the victim & support crew..For the first time he has acknowledged that he wants me to be happy & if that means letting me go then he'll have to do it but he says I will always have the biggest piece of his heart. I know all the answers about addiction etc but regardless I will always ask for the rest of my life...why on earth did he ever let it go this far. =((