New and so incredibly sad

[Nat]

Hi.......where to start? Married, two children, been together for sixteen years, struggled for the last five.We had counselling when I discovered that my husband was using P and it took a long time to rebuild the trust but my self esteem took a battering, I took his use so personally. I failed. I'm lacking. All the usual reactions.
Things have improved and I thought that we had reached a good place without P, communication replacing his isolation, but after three years he has relapsed. It isn't only the P, it's the emotional and physical detachment from me that I find so unbearable. I know that it's a coping mechanism that he has relied on for so long when things get on top of him but he promised that this would never happen again. This time I feel differently, I know that it is not my fault. I am detaching myself and am feeling that our relationship is beyond repair. I can not go through the long process of healing to be in the same place again. I do not believe that he can stop using P, and where does that leave me? Acceptance? or to leave? He knew the consequences if he used again and he chose P. Therefore if I don't stand by my ultimatum it is giving permission to continue. I never though that P would be the reason that my marriage would end.
Everytime I discover that he is still using a part of me dies, I feel broken and don't want to keep feeling like this for the rest of my married life. I told him that he needs to take ownership of his p use and take responsibility for addressing the problem. He is not being honest with himself and I feel that there is a certain amount of denial even when faced with losing his family....why aren't we enough for him? I have nurtured and worked so hard at my marriage and he has just thrown it away for his self indulgent fix. I don't know if I want this anymore....and that breaks my heart.
I would love to hear your thoughts x

[Learning to Trust]

Hi Nat I know its an unfortunate thing to bring you here but welcome. I'm so sorry you had to come here I read your post and it reminded me a lot of what I'm feeling only difference is you have me beat by being together by about fourteen years and dealing with P longer and having two kids. Other than that though we feel similar pain. Its a difficult decision to have to face to realize you really have to consider leaving for good. I feel like I'm at the same place even though its only after a year of having found out at the moment. I guess its a matter of weighing the pros and the cons but I agree living unhappily in marriage constanly is not a way to live because like you mention your slowly dying inside and they don't really seem to sincerely care.

I wish there was more to be able to tell you but of course only you know your true situation and true desires. Detaching little by little is what I think may be happening with me slowly. I still keep the tiny pinprick glimmer of hope not so much hope in him right now because I don't see any signs of encouragement but just my own faith that if it really is meant to be by Gods will then it will workout somehow and my husband will wake up and see what is happening before its too late and I finish detaching completely if that is actually possible. If its necessary to let go then its necessary it can't be said you didn't try. I have accepted this I don't want to and am terrified to have to let go but at the same time am starting to accept the fact that if I have to then its ok because if I don't I'm going to be slowly destroyed by it and right now he sees it and has even said so himself that he has ruined me yet he still shows no real signs of sincerely trying to help himself.

Its very difficult to deal with but your in a good place here it will help and maybe you can try as I am to get your husband to come here several other couples say this forum has greatly helped them survive through this together.

I rarely post here besides in my own journal due to my own self consciousness really but I know its late and saw you were online and know what its like to be up late at night hoping for a possible response and I felt your thoughts and pain so similar to mine in your words so I decided to say something even if it might sound like rambling. Well I hope your able to find some peace within yourself despite the circumstances and find the answer in your heart of what you need to do.

[Nat]

Thankyou for your kind words it's so good to know that I'm not alone with this. Years of being let down time and time again certainly take it's toll, so, where to draw the line and say "no more". Unfortunately we can not afford to return to see our therapist (who was amazing) so i'm hoping that by utilising the tools she armed me with I can cope with this most recent episode. I suppose it comes down to choice, can I face this happening for another five, ten years? No I simply can't. Then how can I tell my kids that I have given up on my marriage? Crap.
It sound as if your partner has not taken ownership of his problem and all that it brings to your relationship, what does that say? I am so sorry that you have been put in this awful situation, you must do what you have to to support yourself emotionally. This is the first time that I'm not hand holding him through this. I have given it back to him to sort out and unless he has commited to therapy/support groups etc and has a burning desire to put this right I will leave. How many chances do we give them? Good luck with your journey x

[Crisodian]

Nat,
Welcome to TTF. I'm sorry your circumstances brought you here. Like you and LT, I am an SO walking the journey of recovery with my PA.

It's difficult when a PA, or any addict for that matter, will not accept responsibility for their addiction. It's a hard place to be as an SO. My PA, who is also very active here on TTF, finally took responsibility. Like you, I drew a line in the sand, and this time, after many episodes in the past, I made him the person responsible for his own healing. He had to choose to want to beat the P once and for all. I am very lucky and blessed that he chose me and our children instead of his P use, because I had an exit plan already in place, of which he was well aware. This time was (and still is) his last chance.

Have you encouraged your H to come here to TTF? It may help him to "see" what this is doing to you. It helped my H to read all the stories of the other PAs and SOs here to get a true grasp, a wake up call, what his choices meant for him and for our relationship if he decided to continue to use P.

Everyone's journey is different. I hope you and your H find a path that works for both of you to heal. We SOs share so many of the same emotions and feelings of what P does to us. I hope you feel better, in some measure, knowing you are not alone in your struggle.

Best wishes,
~C~

[Nat]

C
Thank you, you have given me a small chink of hope that things could improve for me and I think I needed to hear that. I know that I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed but have just realised that SO is the abbreviation of significant other. I think the use of this term is so incredibly poignant on this forum. We are significant, we do matter ,our feelings are relevant and need validating.
I am amazed at how I am feeling stronger already just by hearing that my feelings are being validated by other SO's.x

[Crisodian]

To make a confession, It took me a few days to figure out all the acronyms they use here too. :) You can find a great post here to help in the future.

I am a firm believer in hope. As a non-P addict in recovery for 15 years, and now the SO of a PA, I have to believe. It's pretty much what keeps me going. (Don't get me wrong...it's not easy being a believer some days!)

Your feelings are very normal. If you haven't yet found the time, I would highly recommend reading the other SO journals. So many of us have the same shared emotions about P and PA and what we go through. It really is empowering to know we are not alone.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

Nat, LTT, Crisodian,

Believe it or not but I find your posts so incredibly motivating in my battle to remain free.

Nat, your story... Your H was me when I was using. Completely blind to the ramifications of discovery. I went through two of these, one in 2001 and again in 2008. I should say Mrs. Daniel also went through it with me, God bless her.

She didn't give up, and I didn't either.

The struggle diminishes but I cannot say it completely goes away. I do enjoy holidays, sometimes extended ones, from the pressure in my thoughts or the things that happen during a regular day. And I can see my mind clearing out day by day, month by month, and my life today is completely and utterly changed from what it was pre-March 2008.

Now for some Hope!

Nat and Learning to Trust, there may come a moment when this entire saga just CLICKS in your husbands' minds and that's it, they get it.

They understand the trauma, pain, heartache, and they are sick and tired of living the way they are living and they want Real Change Real Bad.

At this point they begin to take concrete steps to gain their permanent freedom from P. You see this and take note. You notice they are coming back to you. The detached feeling is going away slowly.

And (Hopefully), fast-forward 6 months or however many months, and you are experiencing a life together that you never thought possible. And in the ultimate irony, the struggle of the recovery from his PA, the adversity, has pulled you closer together.

That's how it was for Mrs. Daniel and I, FoolishMind and Inshi (here on TTF), sounds like for ArtGuy and Crisodian, and from some non-virtual friends of ours who went through something even more challenging and are now thriving.

But I must add some theology at this point.

I am a Christian. And Mrs. Daniel.

I do not know what each of you believe/don't believe about God or eternity etc.

And this is not so much about "Where will I go when I die?" as about how to handle personal relationships when they go off the rails. How to process damage. How to have boundaries, etc.

Within Christianity we understand the significant differences between justice, mercy, and grace.

Justice is getting what you deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve. Grace is getting something amazing that you do not deserve.

To put it bluntly, Mrs. Daniel has been through a long process of learning to forgive and learning to extend Grace. I can say with a straight face that had she not learned this in God's amazing timing, when my PA exploded onto the scene it was very likely she would've called it quits.

But she realizes that she's not perfect either (this imperfection pales in comparison to my own let me be real clear). But it's the understanding that deep down we know we all have things we struggle with and we need to work toward forgiveness, extending grace when appropriate, and trying our best to move forward.

Now that would be ideal.

I understand that you just cannot take an emotional battering at every relapse and extend grace over and over, being trampled under so to speak.

This is where the boundaries come in. You have all said your PA-SO "owns" his PA. This is good. Not you. Him. And we can safely say he has to understand there will be consequences to his behavior. This is also good. And follow through with them.

BUT.

What do I say?

Don't allow the marriage to dissolve.

You may have to I understand. I would say divorce is "worst case". It may be that your PA really is that bad. Or really doesn't care. It may be that you really want out for some other reasons too and this is the perfect excuse (I hope not).

And you all have your own highly personal reasons and motivations and feelings and I won't pretend to understand. You have to do what you have to do for yourself and perhaps your children.

But it may be he wakes up.

And I'm trying to preserve that glimmer of hope, that if he does wake up, he finds himself still inside a marriage that could work, versus being on the outside agonizing over how he threw it all away.

I hope this helps you Three. Thank you for being so honest and thank you for taking the time.

Daniel

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ Gof forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)

[Crisodian]

Daniel,
Thank you! Beautiful post.

ArtGuy and I, as I mentioned many times here, have decided to travel this journey together. We both admit we have a lot to work on together, both of us, and accept that completely. I suspect strongly that is why both of our recoveries have progressed as far as we have in such a short time.

However, I think a key point is that AG accepted his responsibility for his addiction. He now truly understands what PA is, how long he has been dealing with it, and what it was doing to his life and to ours as a couple/family.

SOs who have PAs who do not accept their roll and responsibility for their PA, such as LT & Nat, really struggle with what to do to get their PA to "see" and accept.

Do you have any suggestions for them on what they can do to help their H get to that "CLICK" point? Maybe some insight from the PA side of things on what helps a PA become aware of the issues it causes?

I know it's individual for each PA, or any addict for that matter. That "A HA!" moment of waking up and seeing what is around them. (And I am blessed AG was ready when I drew the last line in the sand, so to speak.) But it may help for LT and Nat to have some inside information, as it were, to help guide their PAs to acceptance.

Just a thought. :)

Thank you for sharing this.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

Crisodian,

I understand the question. The most common way, often cited with the journals here, is for the affected SO to write down in a letter how the PA's use makes them feel.

This would be quite a universe to delve into but it has been mentioned too many times to ignore.

The letter provides a space to communicate above emotions run high or tears or the stress of the moment etc., etc.

Just to plainly and crisply and honestly communicate "When You Do This I Feel This" kind of message.

The biggest barrier in the PA's mind is "No one is affected by this except me."

Life in a vacuum.

Maybe in an absolute sense they are the only ones affected BUT their being affected DOES affect everyone else around them by omission or commission.

So the letter may help penetrate this type of walled-off rationalization.

And if the letter has been done before to no good desired effect, I would suggest a Boundary Letter or a Consequence Letter.

Daniel

[Crisodian]

Daniel,
Thank you for your suggestions. I hope LT and Nat will find them useful in their struggles to get their PAs to accept responsibility. I know they both need that before they can begin their own healing process.

I am blessed (?) in a way because I was once an addict. So I intimately understand the addict mentality of living in a vacuum. I guess in many ways that makes it easier for me to understand this journey and this struggle.

Now, as an SO, from both sides of the battle.

That being said, I recall vividly that no one around me during my addiction could convince me I had a problem until I accepted that fact myself. Because of that experience, and having recently gone through it as an SO, I can directly sympathize with the struggles as an SO of trying to make an addict accept responsibility and ultimately see the damage addiction causes to the people around them.

Thank you again for your input.

~C~