What holds me back.

[Chey143]

After some time has passed and the fog lifted I think I know why this isn't passed on for good.

Reason 1: He should have told me before we got married. Especially after how my first marriage ended. I hate knowing I started this marriage with this as part of it. I deserved a choice.

Reason 2: On at least one occasion, he had a choice to be with me and his son outside playing (in our backyard) on a cool afternoon, but instead decided to have sex with the computer inside in our bedroom. It still feels like a slap in the face, that one.

Reason 3: In 2003, we had no money, both working like slaves, we were barely making the child support payments and supporting his diving trips and equipment and all the while he was paying for an internet porn subscription. I don't know when it started, but know it wasn't stopped until our credit card he used was maxed out and they continued to charge it - so then it was bad news with the overcharges and the credit reports looking on... That also feels like a slap in the face. It was our money.

Reason 4: As far as his looking at this stuff in general, I think for me that sex and love are so tightly wound together that to give it sex away in any way is giving away that love too. Selfishly, it hurts my self esteem some still too. I know now what he wanted to look at or felt like he needed to look at, and it wasn't me.

At the end of the day though, I'll take the hit on this one because I of all people should have know better. I had been burned, scorned, lied too, beat on by so many other before him. I just wanted so much to believe and I let myself do that. Blindly. That is the forgiveness I can't give back to myself.

[Crisodian]

Reason 4: As far as his looking at this stuff in general, I think for me that sex and love are so tightly wound together that to give it sex away in any way is giving away that love too. Selfishly, it hurts my self esteem some still too. I know now what he wanted to look at or felt like he needed to look at, and it wasn't me.

Chey,
I, too, think sex and love are tightly wound together. I believe most women do. It's not selfish that this hurt your self-esteem.... that you felt he was giving away what belongs to YOU, his wife. It's NORMAL.

IMO, we expect to be loved, cherished, and be the "one and only" for our spouse ... and when P comes into play, it makes us SOs feel like we weren't good enough, sxy enough, attractive enough, etc. etc. etc. That's the damage P does to SOs. All of us. You shouldn't blame yourself for feeling like your self image took a hit. How can we "normal" women be expected to compete with the women of P without feeling like we are inferior in so many ways? I don't think we can. Besides, we shouldn't have to!

At the end of the day though, I'll take the hit on this one because I of all people should have know better. I had been burned, scorned, lied too, beat on by so many other before him. I just wanted so much to believe and I let myself do that. Blindly. That is the forgiveness I can't give back to myself.

I did the same. I think we want to trust so badly, we try to overlook the obvious. My Ex-H tried to kill me. Finding out about my current husband's PA addiction was almost worse. Because he knew about my past, because he knew about what I had been through, to take what I so faithfully gave him and trash it? The hurt runs really deep. In addition, to find out this was going on before he and I even met 7 years ago and I had no clue? Whew. I can understand your pain. Completely.

It's not your hit to take, however. I should have known better too. Maybe we SOs can all say we should have all known better. But at the end of the day? He's the one with the addiction. He's the one who took the love, intamacy, and trust from your life and tossed it. Not you.

I am so sorry you are struggling so badly with the betrayal, hurt and anger. Maybe you need to be a little selfish and find healing for YOU to empower yourself? This is not your addiction. There is nothing you need to forgive yourself for.

Repairing trust is the worst... the worst... part of this whole mess. You have to decide for you if you are willing to let the trust be repaired or if the damage is so deep for you that it is beyond help.

I made the choice to walk with my PA on this path. It has not been easy. Not a day goes by that we don't work on his issues and mine. We are very active here together and that has helped tremendously.

I hope you find a path to peace. Find strength in knowing you are not alone.

~C~

[Chey143]

I think my son deserves to have his parents do everything possible to be together. If my husband can't do his part and if things get so terrible between us that our son suffers, that would be something different.

C- Thanks for your support. It's so strange that I thought our marriage was at it's very best when this all happened. We had a son we both didn't expect but loved dearly and things were good - until I found out.

So I keep going, because I love my husband and other than a few smaller bumps and this large one, it's been a decent marriage. One I was proud of and felt safe in. I think now he's aware of how much damage this has caused, and I hope with all my heart he has stopped (I really don't think he had an addiction type of thing - but a definite hiding/lying sort of thing).

[Crisodian]

I think my son deserves to have his parents do everything possible to be together. If my husband can't do his part and if things get so terrible between us that our son suffers, that would be something different.

AG and I also have 2 small sons. And I agree with you 100%. I think both parents have to be committed to being together for the sake of a child. However, I came to terms with the fact that if his PA started to affect them, or us in an extreem way, I would have no choice but to remove them from a toxic situation. Does that make sense? That was so hard to come to terms with. And I am so glad I didn't have to go down that path. So glad.

C- Thanks for your support. It's so strange that I thought our marriage was at it's very best when this all happened. We had a son we both didn't expect but loved dearly and things were good - until I found out.

I understand that sentiment myself. I thought all was good in my world until it crashed around my ears. I mean, I guess I knew things weren't perfect, but what marriage is? So I convinced myself there wasn't anything "major" wrong. He was around for our sons. He spent time with them. He helped at home. He just didn't spend much time with me. I didn't understand why. (I do NOW.) But at the time, I figured it was something else entirely. I just was kind of cruising along thinking all was ok, and then I feel like I was in an unexpected car wreck.

So I keep going, because I love my husband and other than a few smaller bumps and this large one, it's been a decent marriage. One I was proud of and felt safe in. I think now he's aware of how much damage this has caused, and I hope with all my heart he has stopped (I really don't think he had an addiction type of thing - but a definite hiding/lying sort of thing).

I agreed to travel this journey because I, too, love my husband. As I told him one night in the middle of one of our PA discussions, I would never have said "for better or worse" if I didn't really mean it.

I hope for you that your husband begins to realize that you need his love and support to heal the damage that this has caused. I also hope for you that he begins to understand that the continued "sneaky" behaviour, percieved or real, is not helping you heal. He needs to be open and honest, 100% of the time with you. That is one of the main things that has helped me with my husband. Complete honesty. All the time. No matter if he feels it will hurt me or not.

I wish there were more I could do to help. I hope by sharing that you are not alone in your feelings, you find some comfort.

Find a path to peace,

~C~