New here...What to do...

[tired&betrayed]

Hello to everyone..I am new to this forum and wish to the Lord God almighty I would have found it at least 5 years ago!:(( This has been such a long battle, (12 years of P!! We have been married 14) that I am worn out and find my self feeling like I just don't want to fight anymore. I have adopted the philosphy that I have to just learn to accept my husband's addiction to P and move on, sweep it under the rug, and take care of my house, kids, and him. Yes....just do what I have to do to move through my day without taking into account how his addiction was distroying my self image, how it has made me feel completely sexually unattractive, and by continuing to view P after I have asked him MANY times in our marriage to stop distroying trust. He knows I find P offensive, hurtful, and degrading. Yet everytime, he would throw his P collection in the trash, (he says it was a spiritual thing...he got convicted by God...not because he thought that it was hurting me/our marriage...He says he did not truly understand that it hurt me...of course till now...) he would promise that he would look at P no more and he was DONE. Do you know how many times I have heard that statement..."I am done...no more P"? My ears, heart, spirit, mind, and body just don't want to hear it any more!!! I have had a problem with boundries with other men at different times in our marriage. ( 3 times total) I own that it is a big problem.. Two were emotional connections (one of which we kissed that was it), and one was a full physical Affair in 2004..it lasted 2 months then I confessed and we survived. We survived well over the past 5 years, we even have a new son (3 yrs old)..he is our recovery baby. (Total 3 kids..son 12 (disabled w/ cerebral palsy..in a wheelchair), a daughter 10, and the baby). I believe that the P has damaged me sexually so much that I don't want to have sex with my H, and I had actually come to believe that I was NOT a sexual person over all. I just did not WANT it. Because of this...when another man would talk with me and support me, make me feel important, valued, special I was open to a sexual realtionship for the first time in a long time. I was shocked..I WANTED SEX...how cool!!!:D...didn't know it was IN me to do the initiating in a sexual relationship. I didn't actually make the connection that P had distroyed my sexual image with my husband..I thought there was something wrong with me. Why didn't I want it? Why couldn't I get "in the mood"? Why couldn't I initiate time together? Why did I always have to disconnect from the S that was occuring between my H and me, to actually make myself climax? Well, people...Halleluiah!!!... I am actually normal..I had come to associate the P with my H and I could not be comfortable in that place in our relationship. I wanted to be sexual, just not with him. Guys..Girls this is going to sound so very bad..but here goes... Over the past month and a week...I have been talking to a very close friend of ours...we helped him 2 years ago when his wife had a affair and ended up filing for Divorce...He has always been one of my best friends, but my H had been spending almost no time at home with me or the kids (do to very legitament reasons). I was feeling so alone, so disconnected from my husband that I wanted to talk to our friend to get support and conversation. Well, as you can imagine...talking, supporting, listening, feeling close...all lead to a big A** connection and I wanted to be his (it never got physical). After he went through his problems with his wife, he learned how to make a woman feel special, and how to meet her needs, and how to make her feel the center of his world and all this is extreemly attractive to a woman to is alone in so many ways. So, our friend felt guilty and called my husband Thursday 10/22/09, and told him we had been talking, texting, and emailing. That was horrifying to my H because, he thought that all my issues with boundries were settled in 2004. He never bothered to fix the P and MB issues in 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, here we are I have ANOTHER issue, and he doesn't understand why. I tell him he has not been meeting my time, attention, and converstation needs, and I latched on to our friend. He was crushed how could I do this...why do I seek support from men...why do I get attacted? After 14 hours of talking and crying, we found this site. The LIGHT came on in his head!!!!! He has been distroying my slowly over the past 12 years through the P. He was SO SORRY, he CRYED like a 5 year old girl. He says he is 100% commited to not looking at P ever again in life because he now understands why I have been asking him to stop for the past 12 years. I just have a hard time with this whole thing, I know he is sorry, I believe he now understands how deeply he has hurt me. Is that enough to change his P addiction..I hope so. But and this is a big BUT, can I ever recover? Will I want him sexually again? (its been over a decade since I could stay in the moment of sex with him mentally) I just don't know.....I don't feel connected, happy or in love. I just feel very sad, and crushed for 12 years. Can I get past it...Do I want to? Don't know how to think or feel. ANY ADVICE would help! Sorry this post is so long...just needed to talk it all out to other SO's. Guys HELP!!~X(

[tired&betrayed]

What can I do to fix my issues with becoming attracted to other guys emotionally then physically? HELP:((

[Athenon]

Hello and welcome to the site. :)

At the end of your post you seek the help of other SO's.
I'm not an SO. I'm single and I have PA.

You ask : "can I ever recover? Will I want him sexually again?"
I can't give an answer to that of course but I think it's important to keep the following in mind. I believe that by taking the steps to recover from his PA your husband will discover and cultivate aspects of his personnality he neglected. You cannot overcome PA without making significant changes in your spirituality, relationships, values and many more.
With time things won't be the same.

Good luck :)

[lightseeker]

Hello to you and a big welcome to the site>:D<,
I also am a PA and am single so i cant fully appreciate what you are going through, but i wanted to make you feel welcome anyhow.
It is truley heartaching to read your post, you have gone through this for so long and you are still hanging on, i can imagine you are completely at the end of your tether now and drained of all effort and energy. I do not know your situation, and i am new to learning about this addiction myself, what i say here is just my theories and opinions so dont take anything to be set in stone, i am just speaking my mind.
You are completely in your right to feel how you do, and your husband should take responsibility for what he has done. I think that maybe because you pushed it to the side and tried to live with it that your husband took this for granted and just carried on with the habbit. At what point did he accept that he was addicted? For many of us we have frequently watched porn and we never understood that we were becoming addicted and the major devastating effects which porn was causing to our lives and to the people around us. It has crept up on us and taken us by suprise. For many men, porn is a normal thing, we have had this notion since childhood and it has carried on into our adult lives and for many has led to a serious problem. There are many reasons why we turn to porn and it is an easy option for a temporary feel good moment, its very deceptive because unlike drink or drugs for example it poses no immediate health problems.

Your husband breaking down - Maybe he has now realised you have had enough and you will not put up with it anymore? Maybe after coming on to the site he has began to accept that he really does needs help?

I think you answered many of your own questions in how and why you feel the way you do, your husbands addiction to porn has now become his focus and he has neglected your needs for a long time. I do not know what you guys have been through and where your feelings are right now, but you have to decide what you want for yourself, its your life and you should be happy. You have come to this site and shared your story so it seems like you want to try to sort things out, so why not give it another go?

How much have you guys spoken about this issue? I think if you are near breaking point then both of you need to address this issue head on now.

1.Talk firstly, be open and lay your cards on the table, decide where you want to go from here and take steps one step at a time. I do believe relationships can improve and get better again, especially if your husband can deal with his addiction, but this will take time.

2.You and he should come here and get support, there are other couples here who can relate to you and i am sure you will here from them very soon. Read other stories here and gain knowledge to help you understand the addiction and what is causing your husband to turn to porn for comfort.

3. Lastly, have you been to counselling yet? i think you should definately consider this if not.

These are just some of my thoughts, dosent mean i am right, and i hope the SO's can give you something more relevant and helpful to your case. I meant no offence to your husband, just that he should realise that he needs to accept responsibility for his mistakes, there are 2 sides to every story, but it seems that the addiction has been the cause of most of your problems.

I hope you will feel happier soon and more at ease with where you are going next.

Take care:)

[Crisodian]

Welcome to TTF. I'm a SO of a PA with a long history of issues. My husband and I are taking on his addiction together.

Reading your post brought back a lot of memories of the first few days after I confronted my H and his PA. My heart broke for you. I understand how you are feeling. I think most SOs you will find here at TTF understand completely.

I have adopted the philosphy that I have to just learn to accept my husband's addiction to P and move on, sweep it under the rug, and take care of my house, kids, and him.

I think as an SO we all find ourselves in that spot for a time. Maybe this will all go away? Maybe if I just do more? Accept more responsibility? More ... anything? Especially when you have been dealing with it for a long time.

PA is very much like any other addiction. It consumes everything and everyone around it. It can't get swept under a rug and it will make everything better. Imagine if you will, sweeping an alcohol or drug addiction under the rug. It wont go away. In fact, in many instances, it can get worse.

Yes....just do what I have to do to move through my day without taking into account how his addiction was distroying my self image, how it has made me feel completely sexually unattractive, and by continuing to view P after I have asked him MANY times in our marriage to stop distroying trust. He knows I find P offensive, hurtful, and degrading. Yet everytime, he would throw his P collection in the trash, (he says it was a spiritual thing...he got convicted by God...not because he thought that it was hurting me/our marriage...He says he did not truly understand that it hurt me...of course till now...) he would promise that he would look at P no more and he was DONE. Do you know how many times I have heard that statement..."I am done...no more P"? My ears, heart, spirit, mind, and body just don't want to hear it any more!!!

A major part of the problem with addiction is the destruction of trust that comes from all the secrecy we deal with as SOs. We feel betrayed, hurt, devastated, cheated on, etc. etc. I encourage you to read the journals of other SOs here at TTF. It helped me come to the realization that I was not alone in how I was feeling. Once upon a time, I believed that what I was feeling was wrong and that I was alone in how his PA made me feel. I hope you will find some peace in knowing we SOs all deal with an horrifying emotional roller coaster in the recovery process. You will find support here.

The other major devastating blow we SOs have to take on is the destruction of our own self image. Feeling like we weren't good enough, sexy enough, satisfying enough, etc. for whatever reason. Unfortunately, that damage is deep and can have lasting effects and, as you are seeing, can have far reaching implications when it comes to filling the void that PA has left in our lives as SOs.

But and this is a big BUT, can I ever recover? Will I want him sexually again? (its been over a decade since I could stay in the moment of sex with him mentally) I just don't know.....I don't feel connected, happy or in love. I just feel very sad, and crushed for 12 years. Can I get past it...Do I want to? Don't know how to think or feel.

You can recover. It takes time. A lot of time. And, almost like the addict, you have to want to recover. No one can answer that but you. As an SO, I asked myself those very same questions when I put my foot down with my H over his PA. I decided my marriage, children, and my love for him were stronger than any addiction, so I chose to fight. Unfortunately, no one walks in your shoes. You have to decide for yourself if you want to go on with him and walk with him on this path.

lightseeker made some very good suggestions in his post. I think the three steps he suggested you follow are a great place to start. 1. Communication is key. Open, honest, no holding back, conversation to clear the air. 2. Find support. TTF is a great place to start for both PA and SO. And, 3., if you choose to, counseling for you, for him, and/or for both of you together is really a good way to begin to work together on the healing and recovery from addiction.

You are not alone in your feelings. We SOs are here to offer support and understanding.

Find a path to peace.

~C~

[Crisodian]

What can I do to fix my issues with becoming attracted to other guys emotionally then physically? HELP:((

IMO, I think as an SO we are so hurt, and have such an injured self image, the first person (man?) that comes along and fills the emotional gap we experience caused by addiction, we tend to become attracted to. Women need the emotional attachment as well as the physical. For many of us, the physical attraction doesn't come until the emotional bond is formed. PA leaves such a gap in our lives, we crave a way to fill the void.

Unfortunately, I can not give you guidance on how to resolve that issue. I can offer support and understanding. Compasion that we SOs do understand the emotional ride this addiction causes.

Be strong for you.

Find a path to peace,

~C~

[tired&betrayed]

[quote=Crisodian;23183]lightseeker made some very good suggestions in his post. I think the three steps he suggested you follow are a great place to start. 1. Communication is key. Open, honest, no holding back, conversation to clear the air. 2. Find support. TTF is a great place to start for both PA and SO. And, 3., if you choose to, counseling for you, for him, and/or for both of you together is really a good way to begin to work together on the healing and recovery from addiction.
quote]

First Crisodian and lightseeker: I have to thank you so much for your attention to my problem and your willingness to post and help me by offering suggestions and most importantly helping me realize I am not alone in this awful situation. You have helped ease my mind more this past couple of days more than it has been eased in years.

We went to our pastor today to try and get some help on our overall situation. We have hurt eachother so much the past 14 years of our marriage. It was P that first introduced the idea that infidelity was acceptable in marriage. My husband convinced me (it took 5 months) to have a threesome with my best friend/ his high school girlfriend. (I was not very smart) but when he and her went out on their own and had every S act but actual Inter......, I got pissed and wanted to get him back for the way he made me feel. That was not right, but true, and I own that. I am just at a loss of how I could ever trust him to not view P again, and how am I going to be happy and keep myself from ever going outside the marriage again. We have hurt eachother so deeply....beyond expliantion. Anyway, just rambeling, the counciling session did not relieve any of my issues or fears. We do communicate very well, we have known each other for 17 years total and were best friends prior to even dating. There is alot invested, I know...=((! My pastor encouraged me to give it another week or two... but he also said that he has never seen a couple survive half of what we have been through. My husband trys to act like everything is fine and I am the one being quiet and withdrawn...I am not the only one hurting here though. How can he talk about our issues with me and then all is well with the world 10 min later. AHHHHH!! I know that You all understand to a certin degree. It just feels like I have been warning him and asking him to stop the P for so very long that my "giver" in me is done and my "taker" is out and saying take care of ME....PLEASE! Any further advice would be helpful. Thanks guys... your support is all I have right now...alot of our family and friends and just not able to understand. You all are great. >:D<
~T&B~

[Crisodian]

My husband trys to act like everything is fine and I am the one being quiet and withdrawn...I am not the only one hurting here though. How can he talk about our issues with me and then all is well with the world 10 min later. AHHHHH!!

IMO, guys are wired very differently then women. They very much dislike having tough, uncomfortable confrontations with people they care about. It's harder for them to vocalize their emotions when they know they have caused pain. Women tend to be very vocal and we don't hide our emotions - whether it's being quiet and brooding, or snappish, vocal, and argumentative.

There are some great posts around about how men and women, or in this case PAs and SOs, handle the differences in recovery. I encourage you to browse around a bit and find them. It helped me understand, or at least come to terms with, that as he starts to feel better about being clean and honest, how we SOs still struggle with the raw hurt the whole situation has caused.

That's one of the challenges my H and I have tackled during his recovery.

I also understand about the giver/ taker. IMO, SOs can very easily get to the point where we go into what I refer to "self-preservation" mode.... We're so hurt. We're tired of trying. We're tired of being the responsible adult. We're tired of pleading, begging, feeling ignored, etc. etc. etc. ... We just shut down. We begin to focus on what we can do for ourselves, not what we can do for our partner or our marriage. It's a tough place to be.

I experienced it hard after this last "line in the sand" with my H. My "self preservation" became a focus on what I needed to do to leave him, this whole mess, take our children and move on with my life. Without him. I had action plans, financial plans, etc. already in mind.

Luckily, none of those plans were put into action. I made a choice to walk with him during his PA recovery. He found support on here, got professional help, and he and I are working very hard together to undo the damage caused in our relationship.

Whatever path you choose, there's no sugar-coating the fact that it will be a challenge ... and can also have many great rewards. Remember, there are others out here who are going through this. You are not alone.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

Hello T&B,

One of my suggestions would be to have your husband join here and read many of the SO's threads and see what they have experienced. When reading what pain they go through, maybe the light will shine for him and he can realize what pain he has caused you and try to help you recover as well has getting help for himself.

Outside of the infidelity, from what I am reading, it seems you both still love each other. If it is worth it to you as you say you have a lot invested in this, then I would try all resources available. But I feel you both need to work together and you both must want the same goals for your future together.

Good Luck, and please invite him here so he can see he's not alone. As a PA, my eyes have been opened to many things. I have benefited from many people here sharing their stories. I hope you both find it just as beneficial as my wife and I have.

[Pandora's Hope]

IMO, I think as an SO we are so hurt, and have such an injured self image, the first person (man?) that comes along and fills the emotional gap we experience caused by addiction, we tend to become attracted to. Women need the emotional attachment as well as the physical. For many of us, the physical attraction doesn't come until the emotional bond is formed. PA leaves such a gap in our lives, we crave a way to fill the void.

Unfortunately, I can not give you guidance on how to resolve that issue. I can offer support and understanding. Compasion that we SOs do understand the emotional ride this addiction causes.

Be strong for you.

Find a path to peace,

~C~

I think Crisodian hit this right on the head. We, as women, are so emotionally vulnerable. Many of us grew up emotionally deprived, which contributed to why we were so easily attracted to addicts.

All I can suggest is to try to remember you are vulnerable and your self-esteem is damaged, and come here to chat- or even go see a counselor for a while. We all know the pain you're going through and can help validate your feelings in a place where you're not going to do anything that can make things worse for you at home.
Good luck, and please invite him to come on this forum. It's been a godsend for so many of us to be able to talk to someone who's gone through it from both sides. It makes it easier for us to be compassionate with ourselves as well as our spouses.