How do they make it up to us?

[Pandora's Hope]

Here's a question that comes up in fights in our house, and I suspect others as well: How do they make it up to us? How do the PAs fill in the holes they've dug, besides getting and staying sober? Moving forward is the most important thing for them, but for us, for me, anyway, I need the hurts and betrayals addressed and some sort of amends made in order to move past them. When I hear that it's been x number of years since something happened, or y number of days since he got clean, between the lines I hear "get over it already. Move on. Let it go"...Am I petty to want someone to make up to me the slights, the neglect, the humiliation? I find it so hard to feel valued and feel good about myself when deep down the words sound empty at times, and his defensiveness scares me that he's just blowing smoke at me one more time- even though on the surface I don't believe that- I really think he gets the message this time- but that's not enough for me to heal from the damage. I'm angry and hurt- I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment I got- and I can't just pretend it didn't happen. WHen he asks me what he can do to make it up to me (angrily, because by this time we're screaming at each other over it again) I don't want to give him the answers because it doesn't feel sincere to me- if he loved me, he'd figure it out. on one hand that sounds childish, but on the other, dammit, I feel like I'm owed something.
Anyone else struggling with this? Any suggestions?

[Crisodian]

Pandora,
This is a tough one. I share many of the same feelings you do although don't vocalize them to AG often. At times it is a real struggle to be supportive of his recovery and not stop my feet and scream... "What about me?!?!?" You're improving and I'm getting ...what???... out of your recovery to aid my own? I'm glad you are sober, but when does what you did to me get resolved?"

I guess the last time this thought reared its ugly head, I sat back and really thought about what he could do to make amends. I came to the conclusion that for us, AG and I, there really isn't anything but time and for him to be true to his word, to be truly dedicated to us, our healing and the promises he made this time. It's not like I can tell him to buy me something that will make it all better. It's not like we can turn back the clock and he can un-do all the hurt and pain he caused. We can't pretend it didn't happen. But in terms of what can he do? I haven't found anything specific that I can say to him "do [this] and it will all go away"

I know from our discussions, AG feels very guilty about the whole situation. In my experience, that makes guys very defensive. They really dislike re-hashing old wounds. That being said, I am not giving him a "pass" because he feels guilty. He has to work at it every day to prove his sincerity and honesty. That's really the only thing, IMO, that he can do to make it up to me.

Now, please keep in mind, AG's and my recovery process is very new still. We're only a few weeks in. He hasn't given me the "get over it already" look. I know that look well from the past, however. I expect at some point it will happen and I am sure I will react with the same anger and hurt you have expressed. I think your reaction and feelings are perfectly normal. You're still holding him accountable for his actions...and you should. Just as he should never forget what he did caused you this much pain and anger.

Have you given thought to what your SO can do to make it up to you? I know you mention in your post you don't want to give him the answers. However, guys just don't think like we do. Sometimes it's the trees through the forest kind of thing. Maybe you need to tell him what YOU need from him?

I can speak from experience that if I want something specific from AG, whether it's healing related, or just something specific that he needs to do, if I don't tell him, he can't read my mind. :) Took me years to learn that.

You're not alone in your struggle. I still battle my emotional hurt and frustration daily.

Hope this helps some.
~C~

[gnein]

I'm a PA, and a single guy at that, so that may disqualify me, but here's how I see it:

We men aren't as stupid as the media sometimes likes to portray us. If your SO has admitted he has a problem and is trying to fix it, chances are he realises he messed up badly. He probably doesn't need to have it thrown at him everytime you have a disagreement (note: I'm not accusing you of doing this, I'm just putting it out there for thought).

The fact is, he can't undo the hurt he caused in the past, and nor could anyone else. The past is been and gone, and no matter how much your SO might regret it, no matter how remorseful he might be, he simply can't go back in time and fix things or undo what he did. That's not to excuse what he did, it's just stating a fact of life.

The only thing he can give you is the future. If he's serious about staying clean, about treating you with more respect than previously, and he acts on this, that's really all he can do. You need to decide whether or not you're prepared to forgive him for what happened in the past, and whether you can move forward. If you can't forgive him it's understandable, but you might need to think about whether you really want to stay with him in that case.

[Crisodian]

IMO, I think the media is wicked to both men and women.

~C~

[artguy34]

Very Interesting...

The fact is, he can't undo the hurt he caused in the past, and nor could anyone else. The past is been and gone, and no matter how much your SO might regret it, no matter how remorseful he might be, he simply can't go back in time and fix things or undo what he did. That's not to excuse what he did, it's just stating a fact of life.

True, we PA's cannot go into the past and undo things like a restart to a video game, or replay on a DVD. However, we cannot expect our SO's to simply "forget" the past and move on. As tough as this is to admit for me, I feel the SO's have a point when they bring up the past because they are still hurting.

Going through the recovery process so far has been tough, but I have begun to learn more of the damage I have caused in my situation. Now that I feel I am healing, I am feeling better. However, I know that there are times my wife feels like $hit because something sparks her memory. I cant control that, but I can only support her while she deals with her own mental healing.

As PA's we forget in our recovery what our spouses are going through sometimes. Sure we begin to feel better and think that there is a silver lining somewhere. And heck, some of that lost intimacy may have come back. But keep this in mind, if we only look forward to a better tomorrow and not look back on the past as a reminder of how we failed as husbands, fathers or friends, then are we being ignorant to our own selves?

Imagine if you will, that you're walking side by side on the beach known as (Life). Then all of a sudden, the PA starts to fall behind because they are deep into their addiction. The SO is left further ahead in life. When the PA seeks recovery for said addiction, where is the SO? Supporting us and waiting for us as we make our way back into the walk of life. Then there comes a time when the PA begins to walk ahead of their SO because the SO is now dealing with their own pain/depression and any other effects the PA's addiction has left them. But... the PA does feel better about themselves and they dont understand why the SO isnt walking side by side with them anymore.

It is THAT moment in the walk of life when the PA needs to support the SO with their recovery of a broken heart, lost self esteem, depression and any other issues they may have now. Sure we would love to forget the past, but it is the pain from our past that us PA's have to endure in order to help heal our Significants to truly gain the trust and respect from our SO's.

We as PA's need to turn around, face the past and now support our SO's as they had supported us. And in MY opinion, that is the path to healing as a couple.

I think this is what Pandora was trying to get at... "What about Me?" What about her struggles to overcome her grief? IMO I think what she wants is for her husband to turn around and now support her in her recovery so they can both walk side by side together again.

Well... that is my thought anyway.

[lightseeker]

Pandora,
I can speak from experience that if I want something specific from AG, whether it's healing related, or just something specific that he needs to do, if I don't tell him, he can't read my mind. :) Took me years to learn that.
~C~

I do think this is a good point, if you want feelings resolved or you need something from him, talk to him and be forward. Guys do think differently, we cant read minds and we think logicaly and straight forward. Because you need support too and you want to heal, you need to tell him what you want. You can say if he loved you he would figure it out but sometimes we cant figure it out, its not because we dont love you or were stupid, we are just on a different mindset. To be honest he probably is trying to figure the whole thing out. For sure he needs to take responsibility for what he has done to you and when he asks what he can do to make it up you should tell him, you may heal quicker if your open and upfront with him. I apologise if i came across insensitive.

[Pandora's Hope]

There's a lot of powerful stuff on this thread, and you've all said it so well. Thank you. I was having a bad night the night I made the original post. I almost deleted it the next morning, but I'm glad I didn't. There's been so much wisdom shared here.

Bottom line seems to be that we can't change the past, but we are all (SO's and PA's) obligated to treat it (and each other) gently and with respect. Some days that's easier than others, but it does get better with time and practice.

Thank you all for these replies. Things are going well in our house, the hubby is now over 60 days clean- the very fact that I can't give the exact count tells you things are good. We've gotten a lot of air cleared and seem to be moving forward in good ways. We've both been a bit scarce here because I broke my wrist not quite a week ago and am in a cast- which limits my computer use and increases my husband's household chores as well.

We could never have gotten where we are now without this forum and all of you. God bless you all. >:D<

[Crisodian]

Pandora,
Sorry to hear about the wrist! I hope you are feeling better soon.

I am glad to hear things are going better! It's awesome that your husband has made it past 60! How wonderful for both of you!

Bottom line seems to be that we can't change the past, but we are all (SO's and PA's) obligated to treat it (and each other) gently and with respect. Some days that's easier than others, but it does get better with time and practice.

So well said! I think it's the practice part that hits home for me. The more we as couples practice how to treat each other and communicate with each other, the better we get at it!

Best wishes,
~C~

[lightseeker]

Exellent progress on the 60 days!

More housework for the hubby - cool will do him some good, keep him busy - lol!:D

[statler]

Thanks everybody for the support of Pandora. She's one amazing lady and I truly know that I'm a lucky man. This is a great thread. To add my 2 cents worth, you guys all said some great things.

I love what Artguy said about walking along the beach and making sure that the two of us walk side by side, even when that's difficult. I think that is what being a couple is all about. And maybe that's the answer to Pandora's question, too. If all of us PA's do our absolute best to make sure that our SO's know that we love them and that we will share that walk with them no matter what, eventually (I know that can be a long time) our wounded, fragile SO will truly realize how committed, and in this for the forever haul, we really are. At least, that's my hope.