Shock to my system...

[Miki]

So, we have been working very hard in therapy and in our respective 12-step groups. He only has a few days sober. Last night when we were together intimately he ended up stopping abruptly, pushing me away, saying "I'm having a hard time objectifying you, so I just can't".

We used the tools from therapy about talking about this issue and he claims that working on his program is messing with his s-uality.

I can totally understand this and am trying to be supportive.

But he also told me he has been objectifying me the whole time we have been together. He is thinking he may no longer be interested in s-x with me. I feel hurt, used, and ready to give up.

I am lost.

[jd0123]

i can relate to your husband, i am just 18 days off and i wasnt interested in sex for the first 2 weeks since i didnt really want to fantasize or otherwise make it something other than sex with my girlfriend. the one time we did it, i was nervous but it ended up being really nice and romantic. now i am interested again so that is probably progress, but nothing is guaranteed you know what im saying.

cant say much beyond that, just give it time. good for u getting help with the 12 step programs to both of u.

[little_wife]

Oh Miki, your post is just heartbreaking. I realize words will not fix this for you, but I truly feel for you. The early days of recovery is so painful for the SO (and for the PA!) as the revelations come out. Whatever is said, really is not personal. It is the PA's way to objectify, and if he has intimacy issues, he may not yet be in touch with his emotional attraction for you. A few days off of P, is not much at all. Stopping the P, is just the first step. A big change happens mentally the longer one is off. My husband was the same way the first time we went through the m/p issue, but it did get better. It just takes time. Good luck to you, and if he's trying don't give up yet. My thoughts are with you. And most of all, know that this is not because you are unattractive. This is most of all an intimacy issue, that y'all will eventually work through when given enough time.

[little_wife]

Miki, You still there? are you ok?

[Miki]

Thanks very much for your concern, Little Wife.

I am still here and still struggling. I am so confused! We had decided to start a period of detox (his request), but he keeps initiating and splitting hairs about what does and does not count as s*x- in otherwords, satisfying me. I think that clearly counts, but he thinks that everything outside of full intercourse is NOT considered s*x. He's admitted to me that he feels inadequate if he can not satisfy a partner and I feel this is becoming a power and control thing, or a justification for his own relapse- which happened yesterday just after he tried to initiate with me. He tells me when he relapses, then gets angry if I am not 100% supportive saying, "well at least I told you". I appreciate the honesty, but can't lie and say my heart isn't totally crushed.

Grumble, grumble.

[little_wife]

Miki,
I'm glad you're okay. I was really worried about you. I know how bad the depression can get at times.

He's admitted to me that he feels inadequate if he can not satisfy a partner and I feel this is becoming a power and control thing, or a justification for his own relapse- which happened yesterday just after he tried to initiate with me. He tells me when he relapses, then gets angry if I am not 100% supportive saying, "well at least I told you".

This sounds very typical of ANY addict. And you are right, his recovery should not depend on how you do or do not act. I'm thinking he needs to own his addiction to ever really, truly get better. It's like an alcoholic that's trying to quit still making excuses. Also making his recovery dependent on your orgasm is going to cause so many other problems, and many for you. I personally, would have a lot of trouble reaching that moment under these circumstances. That's a lot of pressure.
But anyways, I know, with my husband, I tried to be supportive, but there were times even though I wanted him to succeed, I had my own pain/anger to deal with. I hope he can eventually see your vulnerabilities in this as well. You've both just started on a long journey so hopefully you can both be patient with one another.
little_wife