Trust has to be earned, not expected/ my story.

[Kaysa]

If there is one thing I see commonly posted, its people who feel there OBLIGATED to give trust back instantly - or feel bad for not trusting there partners/ checking up on them. (Also called "snooping"). But guess what? As a wife, I think its acceptable for you to look. You have a right to know I think. Trust is earned, not given away on a platter for free eating.

Ok, small rant. Anyways - My fiancee has been viewing P for about..oh, several years now. However - I didnt know he was watching it till about 6 months ago. (We have been together for 2 years now). I found out by snooping, because my instincts were kicking in - and sure enough. I was angery, hurt. So I Confronted him. He was blabbering excuses and then started to turn it on me - but I refuse to let him and soon he owned up that he was wrong, and promised me "I would never do it again." So 3 weeks later he does it again. Wanted to leave him and never come back - betrayal, lies...he brought that filth into our relationship...for what?

I told him - No more P, or I will leave you next time. August the 9th, I went to a mental hospital - I knew he was watching, but didnt say anything. Was in a horrible place with work, life, money...it all piled up. While in there, meet another girl who had a guy who was a PA. She was in there for the same reason I was...but her man was in denial..mine wasnt. Mine knew what was going on...he knew it hurt but he still did it.

Once I was out, found out I was pregnant. I was so happy at the time, was in tears. Felt like me and my fiancees love was coming to life, and it was. Oh how happyness is so short lived.

Yesterday, found out he watched when I was at work. I knew it from his face....and got tired of denying my feelings of anger, resentment...lieing to myself. He was watching this entire time. My child will not be exposed to that mess, not at all.

He has to clean up, or clear out. I will raise this child by myself if I have to. But my fiancee will not continue to put me second rate. He will get help and change, or will leave. Love him dearly, but my child depends on both of our actions now.

He said the reason why he watched this time was because of "S**ual Frustration." Because Im pregnant, Im horribly nauseous and cant go 3 feet without feeling like Im going to blow cookies, non the less get intimate with him. Its not fair that Im doing this for us, but look what he is doing...

~X(Im trying so hard to be "supportive" but at wits end again and last thing I want is to go back to Mayhill.

-Kay.

PS - Im also a recovering anorexic. So you know Im doing well. *sarcasm*

[Lucie]

Firstly, congrats on the pregnancy. I'm also pregnant, 8 months now. I can relate to the shittiness that comes with the first trimester and hope that it passes quickly for you.

I want to try and say some really positive things, but I am also just new to this whole PA thing (realised last week what had been going on). You are so right about trust, and I think now that you know what is going on you really have a right to be suspicious and checking up. What's horrible though is when you start feeling like everything else they do/say is a lie too. That's where I'm trying to control my mistrust.

It's totally unacceptable for him to say that it's because you are pregnant and that's why he had to do it. It has been going on way before you were pregnant and he has just taken the opportunity to use it as an excuse. Do not let it get you down! Pregnancy is such a hard time (but wonderful too!) because of all the changes your body is going through, and you have to be very careful what you let yourself believe right now. Your emotions are high and your self esteem can be damaged more easily than ever. Make sure you are doing things that make yourself feel good, and see yourself and your body for the amazing thing that it is at this time...you are growing a person! Sometimes you will feel like you look like crap but try try try to see beyond the looks that are in magazines and what not...see how amazing you look because you are carrying a baby. This really helped me when I felt like all my lumps and bumps had a mind of their own!

As for your fiance's PA, what we have just done is installed Net Nanny which filters out P and keeps a log of all websites that have been accessed, or that he has tried to access. It has really helped me feel secure, and it has helped him control the urge to look at anything.

I don't think I have anything else to say, but I really feel for you and understand how scary it is to be carrying someones baby but be worrying about the future with them. I hope that your fiance will be willing to make some big changes to stop. My number one bit of advice is get Net Nanny, it'll help put your mind at rest and help him to avoid the temptation. Oh, and use this website. I guess that's my top 2 tips :)

I'll be looking out for new posts from you. If you want to read my journal it's just called Lucie's Journal :)