What to do about the computer?

[savvy2]

Okay, so its all come out, and my bf is a computer programmer. He is willing to look at this seriously, we are seeing counslerS (plural) and I am willing to walk through this with him. I found out from a computer guy that having software wont really matter with someone like him with his computer knowledge. If he wants to get around it, he will. I have been told it will have to be a trust thing with us,...which is very difficult right now as you all know.

He hasnt touched the computer for a week, and I am dreading when he does. Any suggestions about how he/we should go about this ultra sensitive issue. He has offered to cut his browsing time. I have had friends tell me to have him move it to a public area in the house, etc... What would that matter if I was not home or asleep?

I don't want to be his mother, I don't want to monitor him (although I am guilty of snooping too). I don't know what to do about this sensitive issue yet to be breached by both of us. How do I not feel sick to my stomach every time he is on the computer.


Thanks for any suggestions/experiences you can provide.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Savvy, and apologies that you havent received a response as yet.

There a few PA's on this site who are in the IT industry, and others who are generally Technically gifted, and have announced that Filters will no help as they can get around it. While I have the upmost respect for my online friends here, I do feel this is yet another excuse. As a recovering PA myself, I was full of them!

I am sure if I really wanted I could find things on the internet to hack or get past my filter software, but if thats what I wanted to do, it means I never got the message in the first place.

I was on the verge of divorce with my wife, But I changed my ways for me, not for my wife. I wanted to be a better person for me. Which in turn shows respect for my wife. With that the Filter was a huge step, because its more of an accountability software for me, as well as it was a brick wall, to block things should I get tempted, or prevent dodgy sites coming up by accident, thus reducing the temptation and triggers.

I commend your partner that he is open for counselling, but please do bear in mind that this is a topic that is not understood very well by our fellow educated Phycs. The real recovery comes from within, and a clear understanding of why what one is doing is wrong and unhealthy.

I have only one suggestion, but its proven one! If you havent already ask your partner to look through this site and join if he wishes. This site has helped HUGE amounts of people, rebuild their lives, Families etc. It can be done, but no amount of help will work, unless the actual PA realises they have a problem and actually chooses to resolve it for themselves.

My Thoughts are with you.

FM

[savvy2]

Thanks FM. I appreciate your honesty. Yes, he knows that this is not necessarily going to give me any satisfaction, but he wants to do it for himself. Could you tell me what software you use?

[Miki]

I am an SO and have a very similar situation. My bf is a software developer and uses his computer for work from home, so the temptation of hacking and using the computer without supervision is the reality unless one of us quits our jobs. Since it is not feasable for either of us to quit our jobs, we decided to try accountability software- so far with frustrating results.

At the moment, we have taken the accountability software off because it caused a huge argument. Now that we have regrouped, our therapist as well as his SA sponsor have suggested that we put it back on and that I revisit being his accountability partner. They think it would benefit our level of intimacy. Will it feed into my codependency? Possibly, maybe. Will he use justifications and try to work around it? Likely.

Nonetheless, ignoring or wishing his use of P away will not work. Accountability software is a tool, and only a tool. It does not replace the real work that has to be done on his part as the PA, and my part as the co-dependent. But it does keep us talking about it and it is taking a lot of courage on both of our parts to keep moving forward.

[FoolishMind]

Thanks FM. I appreciate your honesty. Yes, he knows that this is not necessarily going to give me any satisfaction, but he wants to do it for himself. Could you tell me what software you use?

Hey Savvy2, I personally use Cybersitter, and my wife controls the access. Initially it was overprotective but my wife just adds sites to the 'allowed' list etc, and have tweaked it for my daily internet surfing needs. and now its absolutely fine. It really does block temptation from me. Which for me, has worked tremendously.

Ive written a full review on it as others have on differing filter software apps here: Internet Filter Software Reviews

FM

[Kaysa]

I say throw out the computer. He uses his computer for P, and stays away from mine. His computer - gone. Im selling my desktop and just keeping my slow, small, and 0 power lab-top. He hates it, which is why this will be the only computer in the house. It will go to work with me, and when he needs to use it for school-work (he is in college, almost done), then he may use it.

Fact is, trust has to be earned, not expected. When trust is broken, they have to earn it back, not expect it. I suggest you get rid of the computer in question, get something really slow and good for just the basics and thats all. Maybe later once he gains your trust, then he can have a computer - but later not now. Thats the only way I can think of for a tech-savvy person.

[Pandora's Hope]

We have Macs at our house and use Content Barrier- ContentBarrier X5: Comprehensive Parental Control Software for Mac

you can set it to filter or just monitor- and the person with the password can check to see every single website the computer has been on. It's a great reality-check/accountability tool without having to treat the PA like a child- he gets to look at whatever he wants- but you can tell everything that he's looked at.

You can also set it to filter if you want to, although we haven't tried that here so I can't vouch for how well it works.

[devotedtomyman]

My husband choose to get rid of internet/tv at home because he was using it for PA. I have an iPhone that I can tether through my laptop for internet when we need it. Also when he's not at work he will never go online unless I am sitting right next to him. He says that it helps keep him from being tempted to browse the 'bad stuff.'

[ilieken]

I know exactly how you feel. You can let his recovery become an obession. I believe that is very unhealthy and takes a lot of practice to not let that happen. You are not his mother and no you do not want to be as I don't. You have to step back and trust. You will know if he is truly trying. I suggest you get busy recovering yourself and look at your life to see where there could be improvement. It will make you feel better and build your confidence as well.

[little_wife]

My husband is also in the IT field. He has lots, and lots, and lots of computers and equipment, and many drives on each one. He has a huge private office in the back of the house. I wouldn't have a clue about how to monitor him, and he seemed very upset when I even suggested it. He claims the compuers are his livelihood and how he learns. BUT, he has been totally staying away from any of it, unless he uses my computer which is out in the open in the front of the house. The times when I'm gone and he's home alone is not that often anymore, so for us for the time being this is working. The rest of the time is spent with him practicing self restraint and me trying to trust.