Being an accountability partner...

[Miki]

Well, he has joined SA and gotten a sponsor, I have joined S-Anon, we have disclosed the full nature of his PA to our couples therapist, and he just installed Net Nanny on his personal computer (I have the only password). Things have been good...

-But-

I'm hoping that some of you SO's and PA's will weigh in with your successes and failures at having the spouse as the accountability partner using accountability software. I'm concerned about the following things...

1) One of the baseline behaviors that I identified as unhealthy and co-dependent is checking up on his computer and phone. I am worried that I will not be able to address any slips appropriately and that they will just feed into my issues. Already, there was one site blocked. Though he said he was just doing a final scan to clean off his computer, I ended up not being able to concentrate on work all day.

2) I am worried that this will just make his behavior more sneaky. He works from home and retains a work laptop. He claims that he is motivated not to use that for P because he will get fired. However, that has not stopped him in the past from taking huge chances on his work laptop on business trips.

3) I don't want to be punitive, but I don't want to enable or get in the way of natural consequences.

I view Net Nanny as a check and balance thing, not a sure fire security system. He works in computers and is basically a programer and professional hacker. This is the alternative to him completely quitting his job in computers. Hopefully going to lengths to get around the blocks and notifications will give him enough time to get a call into his sponsor, but in the meantime- will this make the quality of our relationship better or worse?

[Charly22]

I think it is a tricky thing to determine. I believe I turned myself into the bad guy by pushing an issue like this. I had to remove myself from the role of enforcer, if I ever expected to be treated like the wife again. For myself...I feel like it damaged our intimacy...because when the demon creeps back in....he will resent you.....this is only my opinion......please take as just that...because then there will be days he will thank you for helping him.......ying and yang.......

[Loving_FGL]

I think you can do this as long as you are careful. Maybe talk to you Therapist about your concerns with monitoring him. Try your best not to let something blocked ruin your day. I know that feel impossible. But maybe he didn't get to see the site or maybe he went there by accident or maybe he went there realized what he was doing and then left. So try not to expect the worse right off the bat. I know that isn't really in our nature with this kind of thing. But you are going to have to try because you worrying like this all day isn't going to help you. I hope that helps some...

[breakforever]

I'll weigh in as a PA. I am writing from my opinion, though, and it might not reflect your partner's opinion.

I wouldn't want my wife to feel that she has to be the enforcer. I would ask her to be supportive. I would like my life to generally be the same. That our roles as partner hasn't changed, it's more enlightened. I'm more enlightened because I am confronting my addiction and she's more enlightened because she knows one of my weaknesses.

1)All you can do is ask. It isn't something you should feel guilty about. If you did something you said you wouldn't, doesn't he have the right to ask you about it?

Relapses are a normal part of addiction. The recovery comes from the eventual defeat of the urge to relapse. Understand that he has come forward to confront the addiction and just doing the steps has done is a step in the right direction. Especially if it is something he has initiated or is willing to do.

2) There is nothing you can do about it. If he is sneaky than he is keeping you out of the loop. If he wants your support, than he will clue you in. You can't beat yourself up over something that you don't know about.

3)If checking up on him is what he expects from you, than it might be something the two of you need to discuss in detail. There needs to be a clarity of expectations, both of your expectations. If both of you decide that you must play enforcer, let him know that demonizing you for playing your role is not acceptable. Try to find a solution that is respectful to each other.

[Miki]

Well, he blew it within a few days and tried to hack it. It is a hard program to break, so he just got impatient and called the company.

Arg!!! I felt good about my response to him, though. I wrote it down to collect my thoughts so I could get my feelings across without shaming him.

I told him that the first thing that comes to mind when he slips is "its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission".

We've put the Net Nanny back on, he says he wants to get back on track and he is going to his meeting tomorrow.

I'm really doubtful he can do this...

[Pandora's Hope]

hey, Miki-

I found Content Barrier to be a good accountability software because you can get a log of every single site that's been accessed on that computer- it leaves the control right in the lap of the addict- but also maintains the accountability. Content barrier saved my butt on my PA's last relapse- and got him to stop BSing about the depth and scope of the problem. It's hard to deny a problem is really that big when your wife has a list of sites, even the creepy ones, times, hours you were on p- that you were supposed to be at work, etc....

I hope today's a good day for you :)

[devotedtomyman]

Miki,
I have a good understanding about where your coming from with regards to not wanting to 'check up too much' but wanting to know if he's telling the truth.

My husband and I have had varied discussions about this exact topic. My perspective on how much I check up on him has changed a bit over the past couple of yrs. At first I checked the accountability software every day and checked his phone constantly. I actually found it to be incredibly time consuming and its all I thought about constantly if I found something that I thought was suspicous. I spent hours thinking about what he might be doing and some days could hardly concentrate on my work because of all my worries about his PA.

One thing I have learned over the past few months is this:
1. No method is fool proof. If he really wants to look at porn he'll find it.
2. I'm not responsible for his behaviour. I can't stop him from making certain choices and its not my responsiblity to try and stop him.
3. This is his problem...when I'm trying to enforce all the methods I can think of to keep him from looking at porn I feel like I've become obsessed with it too! Only in a totally different way.
4. He's going to make mistakes and bad choices. This may be something he has to experience in order to help him realize that he still has some lifestyle changes to enforce.

My husband is also a computer programmer/hacker. Pretty much the worst type of job for a PA. However my husband has come a long way from where he once was and that gives me a lot of hope. I feel frustrated sometimes when I know I could prevent him from viewing porn if I just did this or that but I also know that in the long run that won't help him make better decisions. The effort has to come from him.

Its a confusing journey-for both people involved. No easy answers, no quick solutions, lots of hard work, and a fair piece of heartache. But things do get better:)