Question for fellow SO's

[SoinLove]

Hey ladies, I have a something I need some help with.

Just in case your not familiar with my situation yet, I just caught my bf with porn 4 days ago, for the first time. I went through this with my ex, and him with his. He admits to being an addict, and he's on here as well, and wants to change. He had told me he hasn't looked at it since we've been together, so there was a HUGE web of lies tied in with this. I'm still very deeply hurt and trying to get over this.

So my problem that I'm seeking advice on, is that I'm having a really hard time making love with him. I'm fine outside of the bedroom. We laugh and play, kiss and hug. But the moment we start to get intimate, I get really depressed... want to cry even. I start thinking about everything that happened, and it totally turns me off. It's killing me. I used to look forward to it every day. We used to connect so well in that way, and it was so wonderful. Has this happened to anyone else? And if so, how did you get over it? Or, do you ever get over it? Will this pass??? I just don't know what to do about it, and it's killing me!~X(

[cmperry]

I have spoken to many SO that have had the same problem as well as myself. Your relationship has just suffered a critical blow and it's normal to feel that way, it will take time to get back to the way things were, it will take time for the wounds to heal. PA is hard to deal with it will take time for you to rebuild your self-esteem and to put things behind you. You should focus on doing things that will make you feel good about yourself, make yourself happy! Getting over it will take time but trust me your "connection" will come back!

[blackswan]

SoinLove,

I've been where you're at, and it took me quite a while (and alot of cycling back and forth) to get back my desire and comfort. One of the major differences between sex in a committed relationship, and sex with a prostitute, or the use of porn, is intimacy. You are NOT an object for his pleasure, not a sex toy... don't degrade yourself into performing as one. If yout spirit is too injured and distanced from him to want intimacy, maybe you should honor it and distance your body until those loving feelings return. He needs to treat you with respect, and help to undo the damage he's done. You desrve that much! I am NOT saying you should withhold sex as a punishment- that is a form of codependent controlling behavior (lol, been there, done that, paid the therapist!) and that is disrespectful towards him (not a good way to heal wounds). Rather, be yourself, be open and honest, let him see your tears (without trying to drown him in them intentionally) and let him see that there is alot of rebuilding to be done. Once my hubby and I forgot sex and porn and moved on to making new memories and having fun, laughing together, we both began letting go of the fights and desire came back on its own.

PS- my biggest argument against allowing myself to take a break from the bedroom until it again "felt right" was that "how is a sex/porn addict supposed to give up infidelity and porn when he can't satisfy his libido with me, either? He's supposed to go celibate? Not gonna happen!"

The thing I learned here is that most addicts objectify their partners- you and me- in bed, instead of emotionally connecting. Addiction is an escape, a lack of values, a way to hide. They focus on body parts, fantasize of others, etc. Until they stop that and start building real intimacy with you, their addiction isn't dead anyhow... you just become it's replacement. Sex for us is now about connection, not using someone's body or image to reach orgasm. Don't be used! Let him detox and share your values about sex until you're on the same page.

Hope that helps. This stuff is so complicated and everyone is different... But I'm here for you, all the same! Take care of YOU!:)

[SoinLove]

Thank you so much for your very helpful reply! It's been a while since I posted this, and it has gotten better, although I sometimes have what I call relapses where something will trigger me to think about all the bad stuff and I get upset. I really wish I would have gotten your reply sooner though, because I was just giving my body to him as his toy because I figured if I wasn't intamite with him he'd look at porn again. It was a terrible feeling, and he felt aweful too. But thank you again!