Crushed and Broken

[SoinLove]

Well... I was afraid I would eventually be posting a thread like this... I guess it happened a lot sooner than I thought it would though... =((
I knew it in my gut... I just knew it. I couldn't knock that feeling. I knew he was looking at pn behind my back, but I couldn't prove it. He swore on our relationship he hasn't. He promised me he'd tell me if he does. Well, I finally got my dreaded proof. I looked at his ipod browsing history, and there it was. I thank God that he made him forget to erase it, and that he compelled me to look at it. It's so bad too because it was our 6 month anniversary yesterday. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, and I felt sick to my stomach. How could he do this to us??? I'm so crushed. I don't know how I'll ever trust him now. He came to me, telling me he's going to quit, that I'm worth it, and then he looks at it anyway! I feel like... I don't even know right now. Words can't describe how I feel. So hurt... so very badly hurt. He played me so bad. Manipulated me. How can he say he loves me? I feel unwanted and used. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. I'm so scared to continue this relationship because he did the same thing to his ex wife. Always promised to change, and willing to do whatever he needs to, then falling right back into it. I thought I was better than her, and worth it to him, but I don't think that way anymore. I don't even know if he really loves me now. He said he'll change, and I won't leave him because HE IS worth it. He's a great man, and I love him so much. I miss him right now. It kills me to not kiss him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel so betrayed. And even though the pn and mb is extremely painful, the worst part is the lieing and manipulation. The deception is just heartbreaking. I feel like I have a knife in my heart right now. How can I heal from this? =((=((=((

[Charly22]

You've hit the nail on the head....it is really the deception, the lies, and the betrayal that hurts the most. And it is obvious that you love him deeply. I hate to hear the hurt you are going through...I know EXACTLY how it feels. We just want them to only desire us, to not reach for other things, save it for us. I'm sorry for what you are going through......it is quite draining on the soul......and it is not fair that we have to find our way through such pain.

It is the hardest thing to do, to get to a point where you there will be no more lies, no more deceit, no more hurt. It is obvious that he does not see p as a problem, and only sees it as a problem that YOU have with it. So...with that said...and with what you said about you will not leave him....you must be able to hear the brutal truth, you must be able to handle the brutal truth, you must be able to discover he has slipped up ONCE AGAIN. The hope would be that he would feel comfortable enough talking to you about it, without judgement, without the anger, with some understanding and support. But this can only come if he admits that it is something he has a problem controlling. And, at the same time, you deserve the respect that any woman in a relationship deserves. You deserve the truth. You deserve the understanding as well. It has to be a two way street. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with and sort through in all of my life, and I am still sorting through. But I do know that my willingness to understand it as an addiciton, and willingness to hear the ugly truth without going off the deep end with him, has brought some much needed "mutual respect"....an ability for him to see on his own, instead of being "controlled or mothered", its like that's the stopper for them. Remove the "you better not" this and that, and allow them the room to see how even though you haven't monitored, snooped, or bitched, its still there, it still affects you, and he has to be willing to address that.

Man.....I really think it would be wise to write a heartfelt letter for him to hold in his hands and read. And letter after letter after letter, if need be.

In the meantime, do something good for YOU. Something that will allow you distract yourself, even if just for a bit, something you enjoy alone. And gather yourself and be a bit more able to continue on.

I'm sorry...I feel like I'm rambling.....and not everything that folks tell you will be what is good for you......listen to your soul.....don't keep this inside....it is great that you can come hear and tell us how you are feeling........

[SoinLove]

Thank you Charly22, and don't apologize... I need everything I can get! It is so nice to be able to talk about it with other people that know what it's like. The hardest part about all this is that it's not our fault, so we can't fix it. We're not in the drivers seat. He is on this site too, but he hasn't done much with it. I really feel like he's just putting out a front to me so I feel better, but he doesn't really want to quit, which of course is the problem...

[johndonato]

Hey So in.....

your wrote,How can I heal from this? I know that the only way for you to accept this issue and move on with or without your partner is to find a way to get to a place inside yourself
where you understand and accept that you had nothing to do with his issues, it it not your fault you did not cause it and you are not responsible for his recovery. Quite honestly it is out of your control. His PA has nothing to do with you in his mind, and all to do in your mind cause it hurts you so.....It would be easier to accept this if he was addicted to cigarettes or even alcohol but because its about other women its personal.
Please know that he sees images and any type of P as objects not as someone he loves.
The difference is you are real they are not......You can never compete with fantasy cause fantasy is plastic and made up. If you decide to stay with him you can but you need to find a way to feel good about yourself regardless of how he makes you feel by what he is doing, the choice is yours.....sorry if i was so short with my reply but im at work and typing fast.....

Love yourself first, do for you and you will find the answers you need to deal with all this.
And also you have a whole site of people ready to help out.....Peace J.D.

[SoinLove]

Thank you so much johndonato for you kind and encouraging words... I am staying with him because I love him so, and I know he didn't do it to hurt me, and even though the lying hurts so bad, he did it because he didn't want to see me hurting. He is on this site too (he's on my friends if you want to look him up... he needs a lot of encouragement) and he said he's going to do whatever it takes to quit, and to fix us. I do have so much faith in him, and I know he's a great person. Thanks again!

[SoinLove]

First, I want to say I'm so sorry to hear this apachedove. This is a terrible thing that's happened to you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

Second, I think you've posted this under the wrong area, so you might not get a lot of replies. This is my personal thread, venting about a bad experience of mine. Maybe you should post a new thread, with your own title. Hope this helps!