Advice needed

[SoinLove]

I'm having a hard time, and I'm really looking for some advice. I've posted under the journal area my experience with my ex husband, and if you've read that you'll understand my insecurities a little more. It's about my boyfriend...
In his previous marriage he looked at P behind his wifes back all the time. He was so severly addicted, and he looked at it at work a lot. He's a driver, and has a lot of freedom and flexibility to do these things. He told me that he won't do that to me, and I want to believe him SO badly, but there's been some issues with honesty. He's lied to me a few times in different areas, and there's been a few times that I've suspected him looking at p. My gut is telling me so strongly that he has been, but he tells me he's not, and he gets really deffensive when I talk to him about it. I chose to belive him, and ignore my feelings. We've been seriously talking about marriage, and I actually bought a dress. It was at that point that he told me that he's scared to marry me because of his addiction. He said the urge to look at it is so strong, and he's afraid that he'll slip up one day and look at it again. I'm so happy that he talked to me about it, and came forward and was honest about it! I would have loved for my ex to do that with me, so at least I know about it, and I can prepare myself, and also so I can really make an educated desicion about getting married to him! He's so mature, and it's great that he's willing to do whatever it takes to get through this is so willing to make this relationship work! There's a problem I'm encountering though...I really feel like he has been looking at it before he talked to me about this, and now that we're talking about marriage he's trying to quit and is realizing that it's a lot harder than what he thought, and it's freaking him out. But he said that's not the case. He said he hasn't looked at it at all since we've been together. I want to believe him SO bad! There's no way that I can even prove that he did look at it if he did, and I feel like I need to just let it go. It's just that... if he is really making a change and quitting, and becoming totally honest with me, he needs to tell me if he has! There's no way he can fully come clean with me, and build trust if he's not totally honest... idk. I'm so tired of dealing with this issue, but I'm so willing to do it for him. He's an amazing man, and he's so good to me. It's just so hard some days...=(( What should I do??? At the very least... how can I change my attitude about this to feel better??? Please help me!

[Loving_FGL]

First of all Welcome. One thing I can say is don't ignore your gut. Its always right. I don't know what to tell you to do in your situation. Ignoring your feelings isn't a good idea though. Plus it doesn't do anything to take steps to solve the problem. Maybe you need to suggest to him a cite like this one or talk to him about getting help. Once again this is all your decision but maybe until he gets things with p straitened out or at lesat more under control. Maybe you guys aren't ready for marriage just yet, put it off for a little bit and see what happens with this. I mean ultimately its your decision and you have to make that choice, but if he is the man he sounds like he is he'll have no problem waiting until things feel right. But its up to you, I am not saying leave him or anything like that just don't rush into any of this. Good luck. I hope what I have said was helpful in some way.

[SoinLove]

Just an update... my gut was right. Never ignore your gut