What do I do? My husband travels.

[irritable]

I need some suggestions please. My husband travels for work and is out of town M-F. He has a company laptop that he uses and I am unable to put monitoring software on the computer. I don't trust him at all. Thanks in advance!

[Charly22]

What reasons do you have to believe he has a problem with internet porn? Have you discussed it with him?

[irritable]

This is an ongoing problem with my husband. I first caught him 12 years ago and he promised he wouldn't look at it anymore because he "respected the way I felt". He didn't stop. He continued and each and every time he was caught he became smarter about hiding it.

He says he has a compulsion, not an addiction, and this time he'll quit. He just started counseling for an anxiety disorder and is taking Paxil, which has decreased his libido. He tells me that he doesn't feel the urge to look any more and only slipped twice because he wanted to see if it still felt the same and if he could still perform. He told me he used his work computer. I have been lurking here at TTF and have done a lot of research. I have zero tolerance at this point for his justifications and lies.

My problem is I don't believe him and he certainly acts like he is addicted. Prior to this latest argument, he was on his laptop all hours of the day and night. He used his work computer (which can get him fired) instead of the computer that I have installed "nanny" software on. He quickly closed windows when I walked in the room. He is still vigilant about erasing his history. He had become increasingly less interested in intercourse with me. You name the symptom, he has it. Reading all the posts here is like reading about my own life.

I am at the end of my rope and I am just so sad. I don't believe him anymore because he has lied every other time and I am tired of being betrayed.

Do any of you have any suggestions? He uses his work laptop and I am unable to put monitoring software on it. He travels and I wonder how other SO have dealt with travel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. He says he'll do whatever it takes this time to prove to me he can stop.

[Charly22]

One thing I have learned: As a significant other, Trying and expecting to "prevent it" is useless. So, even if you were able to install what you want on his company laptop, if he has this problem within him, no amount of monitoring software is gonna rid the problem, until it is HIS desire to begin the healing.

As the significant other, it is my experience that all we can do is be "accepting." And by accepting, I do not mean that we approve or allow or "get over it". I mean that we accept the way things are, in order to find a way to connect, and move forward with love and encouragement. Any other mindset is going to lead you down a path of anger, anxiety, fear, and resentment and drive a big wedge in between the both of you.

Writing a letter is one of the first things everyone here at TTF suggests, in order to make sure he knows how this is making you feel. I believe it should be written without judgement or accusations. Alot of times, discussing this turns into bitter heated arguments, and automatically puts him on the defense. A heart felt letter will require he read your feelings without the back and forth, tit for tat arguments, and will have a better chance of sinking in.

This is about ADDICTION. Whatever vehicle it rides in (sex, drugs, gambling, food)....its all about addiction. Unfortunately, addiction alot of times requires a drastic measure in order to bring the addicted one to a place of realization, and willingness to begin healing. I pray your husband can be one of the lucky ones and can realize the damage being done, before its too late.

I suggest you write a letter. Find a way to stay connected with him. And most importantly, I hope you will not allow this to consume you day in day out. This is the other half of why I advice to "accept" it (until you see something that allows you to believe otherwise). If you set yourself out on a mission to make sure he doesn't look at this stuff, you will begin a downward spiral that will become very unhealthy for you. We cannot force this to happen, we can only offer unconditional love and keep reminding them of how it affects us.

Write the letter. One day at a time. Learn all you can about sex and porn addiction. Take care of YOU. Find a way to not keep this inside. Find a way to make sure you do not allow his obession to become an obsession for you. This was my biggest mistake. I kept it inside. I became obsessed with checking on him. I became obessesed with my expectations that I forced upon him. We have to find a way to make sure they know what we will not accept, and then step away. This is the hardest thing in the world to do. And only you will know what is best for you.

Write the letter......

[irritable]

Thanks for the advice. Letter written and sent last night. I guess the ball's in his court - but truth be told, it always has been. I am obviously not dealing with this well. Hopefully I will start getting better myself. I know there is no quick fix, but I sure wish there was.

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

It's very hard to deal with. I really don't know how to get around the anger and betrayal of it all myself. I just keep reading all of these posts and wonder how. Especially if they keep doing it and doing it and doing it. I wish there was a quick fix, and I'm still stuck on the anger part of it all. I hope that you and myself can figure out a way around all of that, because I sure can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

[irritable]

I am just so incredibly sad at what we have lost but I guess we never had it in the first place. There are so many ways this effects the way I feel about him, and anger is just the easiest to express. I feel such deep and utter sorrow. Maybe this is the beginning of my healing.

[Daniel]

irritable,

I'm coming to this conversation about a month late but hopefully you will see this...

The entire burden rests on him. Period. He must reach the point where he wants out for him, not you.

Meanwhile you may suffer unspeakable emotional trauma for myriad reasons, but perhaps chief among them is the loss of trust. You will have to do some hard thinking and make some tough decisions about what this means for you and for your future.

Sometimes us thick-skulled men need a WAKE-UP call to jar us out of harmful behavior and make us face the music. I hope your letter accomplishes this.

Some ideas on how he can regain trust: 1) doesn't erase his history, maintains an open-book policy where you can look at it if you want to. 2) uses his laptop where you can see the screen, be reassured he's not trying to hide. 3) show you his hotel receipts to see that he's not watching the adult movies that most hotels offer and business expense reports pay for. 4) that he would be willing to explore way to load something on his laptop that will monitor or prevent P surfing (Covenant Eyes, Safe Eyes, K9, etc.).

You have described someone who sounds unwilling to change in terms of real action, not just words. I sincerely hope that this changes.

If he is totally unwilling to try some of the above suggestions, take it as a sign post in this very very tough journey.

Hoping for the Best for you and him,

Daniel