Need Advice

[lovemyhusband]

I have been reading all the messages on this site for a couple months now due to a problem with my husband. I really need advice. I don't even know where to start or what order to put things in. The most recent: I found that he was watching porn on late night tv. So I checked his computer, and guess what! His history had all been deleted. However, he did not remove the cookies so I knew what websites he had been frequenting. When I confronted him, he said he was only going to one website and that it was sporadic. A few days later, I showed him the websites I found on his computer and he admitted it and said he did not tell me before because he thought it would only make things worse. I found a lot of videos on his pc that he said his co-worker sent him. We had a very big argument over this. I started sending him things from this website that told how other women felt when their husbands used porn, and he said he had no idea the problem with porn was so widespread. He agreed to stop using internet porn. You would think that I would be soooooooooo happy with this!
I asked him when he possible had the time to view internet pron as we are always together. Let me start by telling you that we have always been close and each others best friend. I don't go out with the girls aand he does not go out with the boys. We have always been family oriented. The kids have since moved into their own homes. Turns out, he would watch porn right under my nose. As if he wasn't trying to hide anything, but he was. If I was in my sewing room, chances are he was looking at internet porn.

I asked him if he was not worried that I would walk in and find out. He said all he had to do was close the page.

In our marriage, this is not the first time this has happened. About 5 or so years ago, we had a similar problem. He agreed then to not watch porn. Obviously he did not keep his word. So I asked him how long this was going on and he said what difference does it make if I visited a porn site one time or a thousand times?

His newest pc is 2 years old and when he first got it he asked me to set something up on it and I thought I saw reference to a porn site but just ignored it. I asked him if this had been going on for years and he never really answered me. I also found out he had gone to chat rooms or live sex rooms, but did not participate because you have to pay and he would just "listen" to the conversations. I found cookies on his pc from adultfriendfinder also. My heart just broke when I found all this out.

How could he lie to me a second time when he knew(from the last argument) that it would affect our marriage? Also, the amount of time that he lied to me really bothers me. This has gone on for years and I don't understand how someone could lie and be deceitful to someone they say they love! I told him that everyone is accountable for their actions and he knew all along that this would cause a problem in our marriage.

I told him I had a big problem with him MBing to porn and he says he never did, but I still have a problem with him sitting at his computer with an erection. I am not an overly religious person, but I feel that he took something that was supposed to be between the ntwo of us and ruined it. I am having big problems forgiving him for lying to me and I told him I am still angry with him. He said he is not watching porn anymore, but sometimes I feel he has jujst gotten better at covering his tracks.

Can anyone please advise and thanks for listening. There is probably more I could share, and maybe it will all be told in time on these boards.

[gnein]

Welcome to the forums. You have a sad story, but as I said last time I replied to a post like this, you may not like what I'm about to suggest.

I think you need to think very carefully about whether you can trust him enough to actually save this marriage. I'm certainly not suggesting you dump him for using P, heck I can hardly talk after what I've done over the last 16 years, and I know first hand how hard it is to stop completely.

However, the fact that he's concealing it from you (albeit barely at times) suggests he may not have any real desire to stop using it, and if that's the case, he isn't going to stop. Again, I know from my own experience that if a man isn't going to make a 100% effort to stay clean, it probably won't happen. Ultimately, he has to want to stop.

I'd also be worried if I had to constantly check a partners' computer to see what they were up to all the time. It's not so much a question of whether it's right or wrong under the circumstances, but more a question of whether you want to do that forever. I'd suggest some counselling to see if you can regain some measure of trust in the relationship, but if he can't be honest with you, and if you can't trust him, you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to stay there.

[Daniel]

LMH,

Your story could be a near-verbatim rehash of my story told from the wife's perspective.

I was caught in 2001 and nearly lost my marriage. Internet P was the problem (not chats or all the rest, just the images).

I promised to stop and went to counseling etc. All was well and I never intended to go back.

And because I was lazy and/or just wanted another fix, I gradually drifted back into using and by 2007 was viewing online P, images and vids, (no MB) in an on-again/off-again fashion.

I am a Christian so I could never really "enjoy" P as the guilt of knowing I was cheating in my heart, the seared conscience, lack of joy, lack of peace, lack of security [when do I get caught?], having to lie if asked... All of this over-rode the endorphin rush I received when viewing P.

But in the twisted logic of an addict, the endorphine rush, the rationalizing, the self-delusion, I could argue my case with myself and go for another fix. I used to tell myself I wasn't addicted. But I couldn't stop. At least not 'forever'. So alas I was addicted.

And I had to get caught again and watch Mrs. Daniel's heart break (again) before I got serious about getting past P. You can refer to my journal if you have the want or time for the salient details.

Suffice it all to say I've been clean more than a year and life has honestly never been better.

There is hope for your husband.

But the Main Thing is he needs to come clean. Before he can come clean with you he must WANT TO REALLY BAD. I agree with Gnein's observation that he still seems (from your description) cagey and not exactly forthcoming.

For your trust to be rebuilt (under the best circumstances it will take a long time), he needs to spill his proverbial guts with you on his addiction. How long? What kinds? With anyone else? What kind of frequency? What medium? (TV, PC, DVDs, stores, etc.). A true addict will STRONGLY RESIST doing this.

A broken addict who wants his/her life back will be HAPPY to get this sludge off their chest.

ThroughtTheFlame represents a gigantic resource for those wanting out and those wanting to stay out. You already know this.

I could say a lot more but I need to make a living.. Do not feel too peculiar, this problem of P in our culture is very widespread and there is more running underground/behind the scenes than we realize. I have read many statistics that suggest nearly every grown man has encountered P and 1/4 to a 1/3 are addicted, maybe more. This is not say "it's-OK-everybody's-doing-it", but just that P has become a cultural pandemic and in a culture without a lot of convictions it's a huge disaster in the making.

But we can make the change one person at a time, as long as the mind is willing.

All the best to you in this very difficult journey,

Daniel

[Daniel]

One more thing...

I'm catching that your husband says it (P) is not really that big of a deal in his life and has sought to minimize it. Nevermind that this is classic denial, let's say for sake of argument that he's right.

Then he should not have any qualms about opening up and telling the whole story just to get it off his chest. Since it's no big deal this step, which is designed to help you feel better, to rebuild trust, etc., shoud be an easy one to make.

Food for thought,

Daniel

[cyberpunk]

If your husband was having an affair with another woman, and you found out, would it be enough if he just said that he was no longer seeing her. I would imagine not. You would probably want to know every way that he contacted her, where they met, etc. You would ask him to block her number and allow you to look through his phone and email. You would be justified in making these demands if he wanted to stay your husband and be a part of your life.

I believe that the same principles apply to P. He has "cheated" on you and he needs to make amends to you. I think that you have the right to demand that he install an internet filter on every computer he uses (with you having the password), that you know his email password, that he closes any accounts to adult sites that he has, and you have a regular meeting (weekly maybe) where he makes an accounting to you. In time he will regain your trust and this won't be necessary but for now he has too prove himself.

[Loving_FGL]

Hey I am sorry to hear your story but thanks for the courage it takes to share your story. On behalf of all of the SO's here welcome.
Let me first say you have lots of options don't think that your only choices are going crazy trying to live with this or divorce. There are many things you can to to try to talk to your husband and there are many things you can do to help yourself. Everything from installing stuff on his computer to how to talk to him about this. A great place to start reading is this site and also a site called pornaddicthubby.com it is a great cite. Mainly its a great resource and a hub for information. You have options don't think that its over now. You can heal even if he's not ready to yet. Or you can choose to walk away as always its your choice. Know that you are not alone. Many of us struggle with our SO's some of us like you for many years. It has taken our SO's a long time to figure out that there is a problem and some of us still haven't figured that out yet. Good luck on your journey I hope we can help you along the way.
~LFGL

[Sidskid]

lovemyhusband -
I am new to this site and relatively new to coming out of denial over my addiction to P.
I will tell you this. What really made my heart melt and got my attention was the hurt and pain I saw in my wife's eyes and body language when she told me how much discovering this hurt her.
Then after she'd discovered I'd lied to her about stopping to see the pain of betrayal that magnified her reaction by 1000%. I love her dearly and realized that she didn't deserve this pain.
I had been using P to medicate myself and to distance myself from those closest to me and the world since age 13. It is a very difficult addiction to break and a conscious decision to stop needs to be made.....joining SA (Sex Addicts Anonymous), couples and single counseling for both of you, and much one on one communication with you needs to happen, IMO.
He will have to realize that P is not his 'friend', his 'comfort', his release and if he's honest with himself he will come to the awareness that after using it he feels bad about himself as proof that it is not good for him and acts to separate him from you emotionally.
Since I came to terms with the fact that my wife and marriage are more important to me than going to fantasy island I feel so much better about myself and the world. It will take me a long time to undo the hurt and negative feelings that I've created by using and then by lying. She has been very kind and patient with me and I need to reward her faith with action.
Tell him, as a woman just what all this does to you. It's really what got my attention. I hope it works for you as well.
One other thing......show him this thread. Sit with him while he reads it and talk about what's here. Then ask him to get involved here. If he's shy about it have him PM one of these posters and we will talk with him about how to work through this.
I hope this helps you in your current situation.