Crushed

[hurtwife]

I found out about my husbands PA the week before Valentine's Day. I am really trying hard to come to grips with this whole thing. We have been married almost 2 yrs. We are both professionals, this is my second marriage and his third. I thought we had an awesome relationship. I actually found a naked pic of him on his phone that he had sent the day before to a so called friend. I was at school when he sent it and we had sex earlier that morning. He owned up to it and said he had no excuse for doing what he did. He found an article about PA and had me read it, that is how he broke it to me. He promised to get help....he has not as of yet, promised to try and not look at Porn, he is still looking. He said it has been a problem for over 20 years and he was spending about 30 hrs a week looking, I was at school most of the time.
Our intimate life is almost non exsistsant, which he claims has nothing to do with me. How am I to get passed this when he makes me feel like I do not measure up to what he looks at. I feel like I am a police is my own home. I check his phone and his computer whenever I get the chance. I am sneaking around and when I find things it hurts each and every time. When will the hurt end?
Any advice would be helpful. Thanks:((

[namaste]

My husband and I have been together going on ten years and 2 weeks ago I caught him again for the third time in our relationship. We have one son. The past two times I told him I was against P- the objectification of women, the industry, the addiction, and of course how it makes me feel and how our relationship and intimacy is adversely affected.

I caught him in a lie with downloaded P on the computer. The fact that he outright lied was a huge eye opener. Before he would fess up. I went through an emotional roller coaster, and gave him the FINAL ultimatum, get treatment/counseling, or he's out. He opted for the counseling. It took 3 weeks to get an appointment- he doesn't go until next week. I've asked him to join this forum and be open and honest. One day at a time.... I guess. It's up to him at this point. I love him a lot, but this is the final straw and he understands what is at stake. Our family or the P.

[Mindtech]

Hello Hurt Wife

Support. That's the one word I would like you to be aware of. Your man has a problem, no doubt there. If he is an addict like me, there may be times when he admits to himself (and you) that he has a problem, and there may be other times when he thinks "it's just a bad habit". So bear this in mind. It's not simple and logical like "I will not crash the car on purpose." It's something controlling him. The car is driving him.

There's nothing wrong with you. Your reaction is healthy, and if you're married you've made certain vows to each other. These are to be respected and he has not forgotten this.

However - it's an addiction. Think about a drug addict with a needle in the arm. Those people can't "just quit". They're sick, they need help. However first step is ALWAYS admitting to oneself that "I need help". If your husband does not come to this conclusion, he will not improve.
Do you think drug addiction is something different from this? Because it's chemical, it's physical? Well, it's about as hard to quit and it messes up your life and your head. People lose jobs and relationships from this too. I know reformed drug addicts who say that drugs are easier to quit than this. Think about that.

So - you're in for a ride. You can't do much, but you can do some things. I'll tell you my story real short.
After fooling myself for years that "I could quit anytime I felt like it" I discovered the hard way that I couldn't. I've quit drugs and alcohol some 5 years ago and know something about addiction: Big help.
After a while of unsuccesfully trying to quit on my own, I told my girlfriend. We live together. She reacted much like you wrote: Hurt, a degree of distrust, feeling not attractive, feeling lied to. I told her, like your man told you: It has nothing to do with you. She didn't understand or believe me at first. She was angry.

But, as time went by, we talked more about it. She came to understand that P(orn) is a drug to me. I "use" it in certain situations; like when I'm tired, stressed out, feeling insecure, feeling alone, hungry, angry, even happy. I use it as a reward. I use it like over eaters use food. And in the past I used women this way too: Had many lovers, went from one to the other if I didn't feel right. I didn't love any one of them. They meant nothing to me. But I managed to quit that life.
I eventually joined this forum and started a journal. I think I've made considerate progress. In the course of 6 months, I've gone from roughly 2 days of "sobriety", lots of steaming flirts and a lot of potential lovers on the side, to about 10 days on average and noone else but my girlfriend- and I'm ever-improving. My mind is much clearer. Think about the 30 hours a week your man uses. He could use those on you. On the house. On his hobbies. Think about what it could do to his life, if he used those hours differently.

Let me tell you: It's not easy. It takes time, it takes defeat after defeat, and it takes people around me who understand. I don't whine, I don't cry, I'm simply trying to learn something that I've never learned: How to be at ease with myself without using some kind of "drug" to make me feel better. Other similar drugs can be over-shopping, smoking, eating, drugs, alcohol, gambling, you name it. A lot of people go from one to the other: A typical one is to stop smoking cigarettes and then gain 5 pounds by eating chocolate. And people then blame the cigarettes. No, it's yourself. You do it to yourself.

And what can YOU do? Well, study. Learn what he's up against. I think you will find - how little you may think it to be true at this minute - that there are things about youself that you may need to look at. You're a couple: If he improves, so should you, otherwise you outgrow each other. And if you look a little deeper, you may find of couple of surprises in there as well: Like for instance that you for some strange reason tend to attract men with addictions/erratic behavior, and there is a reason for this. I leave this up to you.

Realize that you're not alone. The site is free and we're here to help each other. There's so much inspiration to be found. I'm sitting here in my chair in Denmark, Scandinavia, Europe, and I'm only thinking about you and how you must feel. I want you to know that there is a solution.
I wouldn't advice you to check his phone or computer. Ask yourself what good it does. How would you feel if he suspected you of something and checked your stuff? You already know he's doing these things, knowing to many details will only hurt you more. No need! If he tries to do something about his problem, he may eventually confess to you every time he relapses. Because it helps him to talk about it.

Be open, lady. Don't hate, don't call it evil. It's a thing of human creation and it needs love, support and understanding to be solved. Keep giving but don't give up on your demands.

Feel free to write me if you feel like it.

[ship06us]

Namaste

I can tell you that I am a PA which has put my fiance through hell and back over the last 4-5 years with lying about P. I have been a member of this forum for about two weeks and I can honestly say that by going through the site, seeing what kind of resources that it offers, and actually taking part in the forums has really helped become more open about my problem. Hopefully your husband can to take advantage of this site and overcome his addiction as so many others have. Just remember, for him to take this on he will need support. If he is serious about trying, be there for him. Good luck.