he can't perform

[marg10]

It's been 3 weeks since I caught my husband. We have been married 13 years, kids. He confessed to me that he had been looking at P&M via free internet videos for over a year and prior to that nude photos via net once or twice a month for years. I went to the free P site and was shocked. It made me sick to my stomach. In the last year I did notice that he had withdrawn from sex, I would hint but he would take me up on in once every few months. I know now why, this site has so many choices, it even had catergories (whatever he was in the mood for it was there). He said that he used this particular site because it was free and it has 3 to 5 min videos always new stuff uploaded, said that the viewing became more frequent over time up to 3 times a day - he has a job that gives him days off during week. I have spent hours googling and getting educated and he has spent hours begging me to forgive him. He since has become closer to God and says he ready to change. He said that he had no idea how he was hurting me and thought that this was his own private time blah blah blah etc..... I have forgiven him (i guess) but forgetting is way harder. I have agreed to try save our relationship. What doesn't help is that I had breast cancer 4 years ago and had both breast removed and had reconstruction. It did't turn out so well and I found about his addiction 3 days prior to recontruction again. My boobs better (no nips yet) and as you can image this makes more insecure. To make matters worse, we planned for a night together and I put on a cute nighty and he became flacid right before sex (twice). I can't tell you how devastated I am about this. I don't want to ever have sex with him again in fear that I will put myself out there again only to be humilated. Should we wait on sex and how long? I feel resentment that he's been having all this sex without me and now I will continue to be without it because of his problem which is now MY problem too. He starts couseling on Tues, and I have read 3 books of porn etc...installed software that records every screen and keywords that are use, I am the only own that has the passwords. Any advice? I spent the last 2 years fighting for my life and the last 2 years worring about cancer coming back and he's been up to no good. I'm angry.

[FoolishMind]

Hello Marg, and thank you for sharing your story. I can only begin to imagine how your feeling right now, apart from the obvious feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger etc, You must be completely confused and have a million and one questions, in which the majority of answers just wont cut it.

My first bit of advice is to take a step back, and analyse the situation you have found yourself. Firstly you need to seperate two main issues. I will be quite straight to the point here, but I think its best not to flower any words.

Point 1 - Your husband is addicted to P.
Point 2 - Your physical appearance is completely unrelated to his addiction.

As you get to read more posts from members on this site and the advice given, you will gain a wealth of knowledge on this subject, so to avoid duplication I will not go into detail. But I will just touch on these two points specific to your current position.

As hard as it is to beleive or you want to beleive, you husband has more than likely been addicted to P for a lot longer then he has let on, way before any cancer scares. Generally this starts from quite some time ago, and progessively gets worse. Your hsuband does not view P, to spite you, or do replace you. However, his vision is completely clouded, and like many addictions its a selfish one, in which he will justify to himself its not a bad thing, its not hurting anyone, and its not cheating. Again, this is how a PA thinks, but of course, what actually happens is quite the opposite.

With constant use of P, and Mbing, the general traits of a PA is to be quite snappy at times, mood swings, and a lack of interest in intimacy with a loved one.

Your husband needs to educate himself and many recovering PA's on this website had done just that and turned their lives around, including their relationships. It takes a lot of strength and focus but it can be done, if the PA wants to. Thats the key point, the PA has to truly understand why he does not want P in their lives, and do what it takes for the them.

Definatley have a read around the site, and it would be great if you can get your Husband to join and read around too, as he will take a lot from it, and can find the tools and support to focus and change.

I really couldnt comment about your own personal relationship, you have shown huge strength in character, and you clearly both love each other immensley, so easier said than done I know, but know that his PA is not because of you, and through clear communication, you will both be able to edge closer and regain yoru intimacy. Like most things it takes time, but take some comfort in knowing, it can change, the power to change lays with your husband.

My thoughts are with you.

FM