Wondering about Marriage, children and how pa fit in.

[Loving_FGL]

I have been thinking a lot about relationships and marriage and that sort of thing. I was wondering if there were those of us out there who knew about our SO's pa and chose to marry that person anyway? If you have I was wondering how things worked out for you? Additionally, I was curious to know what you all think about raising children in an environment where Mommy and Daddy always seem angry with each other, how do you make it work? What advice do you have to share on how to make things work?
Thanks for sharing...

[Chey143]

I don't know of any marriage that has worked with porn being a part. It's not healthy for the kids either to live in a home filled with hate. It has to stop and be healed as best as possible - or there is no future.

[Miki]

Chey has put it firmly, but simply. I'm afraid (for my own case as well) that marriages built from unhealthy beginnings rarely succeed. Adults may be able find ways of growing together and making better choices, but is it worth sacrificing a satisfying and healthy life on a chance? I'm not sure.

As for kids, it is my humble opinion that though adults may choose to enter a relationship knowing that a toxic aspect affects it, children do not have that same choice. From what I know of child development, adult modeling is one of the most powerful influences in a child's life. Watching parents who are in a dysfunctional relationship with each other shapes the way children relate to others as they grow older.

This makes me terribly sad, because I am in a relationship with someone suffering with PA and I wanted someday to have kids. I feel like I have to make the choice between being with him and loving him- but making sacrifices, or becoming a more healthy individual with the possibility that I may have kids someday without him.

~Miki

[Chey143]

Loving -FGL,
Personally, I would not have married knowing that porn was part of his lifestyle. Mostly because my first marriage had just ended because of this and similar issues. There is absolutely no way. Finding this out now has been a blow like no other. There are no words to explain the extent of the betrayal I feel now - he knew everything about the first marriage gone wrong - yet, chose to keep this part of himself a secret.

It's the trust that is damaged now. That and trying hard to come to terms with a new reality. Trying to understand what my role really was as his wife (housekeeper? maid?) and if there is something so wrong with me that every man I've trusted has lied to me about his need for these strange, lowlife women - when he has a decent woman to have. I don't know. I know I can't accept it in my life or marriage.

[Loving_FGL]

It's the trust that is damaged now. That and trying hard to come to terms with a new reality.

Here is the thing, he didn't lie to me about it, he didn't keep it from me. He hasn't lied to me about any of it, and he has been trying to stop it (albeit off and on kind of moved in cycles for him) since before I was in the picture. So my question is does that make it different? Does that give it some sort of chance that otherwise wouldn't be possible? The trust has yet to be damaged in any way. He has yet to give me a reason not to trust him.

[Chey143]

In that case, I think you have a good foundation for change. If you're willing to stick it out and he's willing to stop - really stop, then maybe you can move forward.