When will I feel good about myself again?

[needsmoresugar]

My self-esteem has been ravaged by my boyfriend's addiction, and I'm terrified that it's irrevocable.

When we first got together, our sex life was very active and passionate, and I felt that he enjoyed it as much as I did. I had no idea then that I was essentially competing against pornstars for his attention; I thought he only had eyes for me. I felt attractive, sexy, and desirable. I had confidence.

I discovered his addiction last summer, and everything has gone downhill from there.

Now, I compare myself to those "perfect" woman who I could never hope to look anything like. I wonder how on earth my boyfriend could find me attractive when I am the opposite of what he clearly likes in a woman: big breasts, bronzed skin, voluptuous curves. I look in the mirror and hate what I see because it's not good enough for him. I feel useless and worthless because I cannot give him what he wants. I feel ugly inside and out.

Every single day, I feel all of that, and every single day it gets worse. Why? Not because I found out he had a porn addiction, but because he will not stop. Because he has seen how much it hurts me, because I've told him that I will not stand back and accept this forever, because I have begged him and begged him to stop... and he still won't. And so it's not only a lack of confidence about my appearance. It's the question that runs circles in my head: Why doesn't he love me enough to stop?

I am terrified that I will live forever with these feelings of inadequacy, that I will never feel attractive or worthwhile again. If he does finally stop, will it be too late? Is the damage already done? Is my self-esteem permanently broken?

I pose these questions to the partners who have dealt with porn addiction for years, and those who have overcome it, either through their partners recovering or through leaving those relationships. How long was it before you felt good about yourself again? And how did you do it? How did you silence those self-deprecating thoughts in your head and build your confidence back up? How did you learn to love yourselves again?

[Chey143]

I wish I could answer all of your questions about self-esteem etc. I'm not really sure if and how much that is going to return. I do know that sometimes you have to love yourself and let that be enough. You cannot depend on anyone else to love you and respect you. You cannot let someone else decide if you are beautiful and attractive. In the end - it's those who love you for you who are going to matter anyway. Stand up for yourself - this is not ok if it's hurting you.

You will get nowhere in this relationship unless he's willing to admit the damage this is doing and stop or get help. Whatever you do - don't marry this guy. You will so regret it.

[Amanda788]

Hey Needsmoresugar,

You've posed a lot of hard questions and there isn't really a good or easy answer.

I can echo what Chey said in that you have to find the love for yourself from you. Someone once told me that before you can love another person you must first love yourself. I also read somewhere that if you're feeling down about yourself you should think of someone who loves and admires you. Maybe it's a best friend or your Mom, and you should look at yourself through their eyes. Try to see all your great qualities.

With your boyfriend, maybe you should try writing him a letter about how his PA is making you feel. Or show him this site. This link in particular Life with a porn addict – the dark side of the moon helped me with my bf.

I hope this helps. Stay strong.

Amanda

[needsmoresugar]

Thanks for your replies, Chey and Amanda.

Amanda, he already knows how I feel after several letters and several anguished discussions. We are in an ongoing battle with his addiction.

That article is the perfect example of why I think our situation is different from the "norm." I think that is a big reason why my self-esteem has suffered so much because of this. I am the sort of woman most men claim they wish for: a woman who's up for sex all the time, who is happy to try new things, who enjoys pleasing her man. Yet I'm not good enough for the man I'm with. None of the articles or stories I've read have dealt with what to do when you offer everything, and he still looks elsewhere for satisfaction.

[Not_ur_object]

I know you think you aren't "the norm" but there isn't really a norm. Look at those who've been affected by SA & PA...Halle Berry (that idiot cheated on her over and over and over)...Christy Brinkley (nasty divorce brought up a huge problem he had with porn)...Sienna Miller( what the heck was Jude Law thinking?!?!? She's GORGEOUS! And from what he and she both said....they had a FABULOUS sex-life) So dear, unfortunately there is no "norm" These people were attractive, wealthy, and by most reports had good sex lives within their relationships. So, what makes them stray? They have a problem! It isn't something easily solved with a "please stop" Would someone with a loved one who had a drug addiction expect them to stop simply because you asked? No they need help to stop. But first, they have to admit they have a problem. Just remember this: You didn't cause it, You can't cure it, and You can't control it! Unfortuantley, its up to the PA to decide when he/she is ready to get help.

Good luck!