The Process of Rebuilding Trust

[tah2n]

Wow...I think the process of rebuilding trust is the hardest.

After realizing what has been going on, and coming to terms with it....I find myself constantly questioning every action. Investigating...snooping...looking and asking for accountability... when there is no reasonable answer in return there is hell to pay due to my attitude and my distrust.

But I cant help it! I have been lied to!

I am agnostic. But tonight, like many nights, I wish I was religious--even though it probably wont happen. I would pray:

God-- I love him. Please keep us strong. I trust that he was at work late. But please don't let it be the PA taking over again. Please don't let him hurt me again. Please help me be strong through all of my questioning and doubt--I only do it to rebuild the trust. Amen.

It hurts to get a huge eye roll from somebody who you are only asking to be accountable for their own actions. I know a few people on this forum who told me to not marry this man. That is fine, and thank you for your opinion. I have thought about it throughly (trust me)... but it is too late. Ceremony or not, I am attached for life so I have to deal. I truly love him. I cant un-love him. This pain is bone deep. I hurt all over right now.

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

Thanks for listening.

[savvy2]

Wow, thanks for your post. I am right there with you. I love my PA too, but sometimes I just shut down emotionally and get so angry. Seeing him at the computer triggers it, but that is my problem and my issue to work on. I have started going to S-Anon meetings. It is painful because so many people in that program have left there partners. I struggle with the statistics of how many people actually make it through this and have a healthy relationship again. I can't un-love either. It is a very confusing place to be in.

I get crazy too, trying to figure out how to outsmart him on the computer even though he is a programmer, trying to "catch" him in something. Part of me thinks it would be easier to leave, but I know in my heart or hearts that will be even more painful than staying.

I loved your prayer. I am agnostic too, but I really feel this is out of my hands and I have to trust in something to have a little sanity. I heard two things at a meeting last week. #1 - I don't have to trust him, but I do need to trust in god (the universe) and myself to know what is best for me. #2 - What he does on the computer is none of my business... I can't control him, I can only work on myself.

Easier said then done, I know. Thanks again for your words. It helps me to not feel so alone in this.

savvy2

[Kaysa]

Being more of an "on hands" problem solver - you have to find the problem - get rid of the problem.

The problem is P.

How do you get rid of the P though? The question is, how does he get a hold of it? Computer access, TV access, DVD access? Get rid of HOW he gets it, and you get rid of the problem.

Computer should be used only for work...if he wants to play, then my gosh, he can take you out to the park and both of you can have fun together. If he wants to watch tv, then my gosh, make a bag of popcorn and watch a movie together.

Lessen the time BOTH of you are on the TV and the computer and increase your time TOGETHER. After he gets home from work - there should only be you. This "personal time" should have died when you two got married...since being married is a partnership, a bond between you and him. You should enjoy each others company, not shriek away from it.

And dont feel bad for snooping, heck, if anything, I think he should be OFFERING you the right to see what he has been doing! Your married to him right? Then its your right to know, just like his right to know what you have been doing. (aka - you come home late at night, he probably will ask "where have you been?" and expects an honest answer. So do you.) After all, he owes you at least some comfort.

Im Jewish btw, and you know, G-d never turns his back on folk. You will find its people who turn there back to him. (not preaching or anything, but its true.)

One more thing - your right, you cant control him. You can however prevent him from being triggered and falling down a path of destruction again.