Im engaged! And Im terrified.

[tah2n]

This is my first posting. I dont have anybody to talk to and I feel trapped inside myself. He says I can talk to him...but when I do talk to him I end up getting so angry that I say things that I really wish I didnt.

At the tail end of 2008, he bought us a house and asked me to marry him. When I tell you that our relationship has been a fairytale thus far, I am not exaggerating. He is the most wonderful man in the world. We complement and complete each other in many, many ways. Im madly in love with him. A year ago he promised that the Internet pornography would not be an issue any more. I made it clear that I could not and would not continue a relationship where I was second to porn.

All signs of porn involvement ceased. No staying up at night, no X Rated websites in the temp internet files. There were a few red flags here and there, (i.e. deleted history, etc) but I chalked it up to "Boys will be boys." I ignored this--not wanting to face the ultimatum I created.

A little over two weeks ago my grandfather died. I drove the 12 hour trip to be with my family, and my SO was not able to attend. I came home emotionally distraught and exhausted. I just had a bad feeling...I hadn't been watching the history or Internet activity for months because he rebuilt our trust. I decided to check up. Every single day I was gone all of the history was deleted. There were various videos, obviously left by accident. The man that could not attend my family funeral and barely had time to speak to me on the phone while I was gone had been involved with Internet porn for several hours a day, every day I was gone. Almost like like manic episodes.

There was a confrontation. It was bad. He cried; I cried. He admitted it was a problem and that he would seek help. He said he feels disgusting and ashamed after looking at it, and cant seem to stop. I told him to choose his own path--because only he would know what would be best for him--and I would be here for him every step of the way.

A week later there was a second confrontation. No steps had been taken to handle this problem in a proactive manner.

On Valentines day he attended an SA meeting. This had the complete opposite effect of what I had hoped. He passed judgment on everyone there, and said "I felt like a cigarette smoker in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting." He stated it was not for him, and now he realizes that he was just being "immature and selfish." That made the pain sting so much more.

To make an extremely long story longer, we're back at square one. He says hes giving up Internet porn. Again. And by himself--no outside help.

I don't know how much more I can take. Im angry, hurt, and embarrassed. I feel ugly, unimportant, and alone. The wedding is in 7 months.

I am so scared. I dont want to leave him alone. I have a hard time leaving the house. Every time he gets on the computer I feel like I might throw up. He promises to rebuild the trust. He promises to make things right. This, being the fourth time through this discussion, is no longer meaningful to me.

Life is busy. The depression and anger is taking over my life, so I have decided to be proactive myself and join this forum. I dont really know what I wish to gain or achieve by doing this. I have so many questions:

At what point does love conquer all...even when I am repeatedly hurt--seemingly more than he is?

Why do people do this to those that they love?

When is enough enough?

My SO gives me all of the affection, care, attention, kindness and love I could ever ask for, and vice versa. Why can he not make the simple choice between me and porn?

How can I help him be accountable and accept consequences, without punishing him? I want a husband, not a child. But speaking of children, I would like to start a family at some point. How could I ever do that knowing what I know?

I am so damaged over this and the physical effects of my stress are becoming apparant.

I am sorry if this whole thing sounded like a court deposition... or impersonal and petty...but I dont really know how to handle this yet.

Thank you for reading, and for any insight you may have.

[Chey143]

If you've done any reading in the SO forums, you'll know you are one of too many women that have had to or are now facing these same feelings you have. In my case, I was married 10 years before I knew. It's a long painful road. Get counseling, not married.

[Rowlf]

Hi tah2n,

Welcome to TTF, sorry you had to go through this and come here. As one of the PA's on the site I would have to agree with Chey on this, counselling and taking this issue seriously should come before making any other choices.

I experience PA as a proper addiction - before coming on this site I was literally not able to stop myself when in the grip of the addiction. Really wanted to. If I'd had an SO at that point I would have pretended that I could. It was a major upheaval in my life when I found for myself that I was not in control of myself.

I'm one of the folks who take a broadly 12 step approach. Without surrending to a higher power and surrendering day by day I'd be back at the P. And I think it does require this sort of major life rearrangement to make a difference. (See FM's and Daniel's journals for similarish approaches)

Is your SO ready to take the steps necessary? If not, then I would say he is living inside his own world / head too much to give you the respect you deserve. An addict is more concerned with medicating / numbing their own internal stuff (when things get tough) to be really present with others. Basically they'll run to their drug of choice when it gets too hard.

Mind you, as one who's working with this I know that struggling with my own ego has increased my compassion and made my heart bigger for the pains of others, so by working with this there are blessings on the journey.

Good luck with all of this....

[Charly22]

I think it is important that you realize his PA has nothing to do with you, that is apparent by your description of your relationship. And the "boys will boys" attitude, well that was fine and dandy in 1970! The internet has made this an all too easy trap. Surely what started out as innocent "boys will boys" kind of stuff has developed into this all consuming "drug". Its deceiving because society does not look at it that way, who would say "looking at porn is like snorting cocaine". But it is, and noone realizes it, until the find their lives torn apart because they could not realize that they have begun to medicate and turn to that too easy fix on the web. That rush that can only come from searching through endless stashes. And that's the problem with internet porn...its ENDLESS. At least a movie has an end to it. A magazine has a last page. The internet....there's no stopping.

The "rush" that he's getting becomes his only "feel good" activity. Without it, his brain is not releasing the endorphines that allow for a good day, everything to be ok. He probably does not even realize this himself. Learn all you can about porn addiction, the physcial affects, etc. And you will come to realize it has nothing to do with you and anything you might be lacking.

And thank god you've found this website. I too, spent many many years locked inside myself. Spent too many years arguing, thinking there was something I was lacking, pointing my finger and becoming quite bitter and never able to even have a conversation with him about for my own rage was too out of control. I did not want to discuss this with anyone, because I feel the same way you do about my husband, he is the greatest man I know, and we have always lived a fairy tale life, he treats me like a princess, but this one damn problem always came between us and grew way out of control. I began to develop symptoms of anxiety, and my body started screaming for relief, tension everywhere in my body, stomach problems, I was letting it eat me alive.

Not until I came to this website, and began to let my feeling out in this safe place and get a grip on my anger, was I able to be there for him in a productive way, and have the patience and perserverance to help him see what he never understood.

Everyone here would suggest that you write a letter to your SO. Him reading your words without anger, screaming, and him throwing excuses back and getting defensive and escalating an argument, will have a much more profound effect on him. This is not easy, but not impossible. And only YOU will know what is best for you, what you feel in your heart and soul, and what is best for the both of you. If he shows you he is willing, then the two of you must walk "through the flame". I wish you the best.

[Pickup_Truck]

I am very glad that you posted your feelings here. I am a p addict that is trying very hard to get over this problem. I am also getting married in a few months. It is exactly the feelings that you are having that makes me want to do the right thing and never go back to P again. My fiance does not know about my problem, as far as I know, and I don't want her to ever feel that way. As a guy I don't think I ever considered how much it hurts to have your lover behaving that way. Reading your post makes those feelings very real and clear. I hope that your fiance is a strong man and able to sit down and figure his addiction out. I am currently at the point where I know its a problem, I know that I hate it, I know that I don't want to do it anymore, I know that I feel terrible after I do it...but millions of pictures and videos of naked women sitting 1 click away on the computer are sometimes too much for me to stay away from. I can go for weeks at a time not looking but when I find myself alone and without my fiance its really hard to avoid it. When you went away to the funeral and you SO was at home, as I P addict I can relate to manic behavior. I know that I can overcome and I really hope that your fiance will do the same.

[Chey143]

"My fiance does not know about my problem, as far as I know, and I don't want her to ever feel that way."

You have to tell her. It is really unfair to her that she must marry you without full knowledge of who you are. You are NOT saving her. You are starting your marriage with a lie. If this ever surfaces again (and if you know you're an addict, you cannot guarantee that it won't), and she finds out you hid this part of yourself from her, she may never forgive you. Trust me. Because I am that girl.

Finding out was not enough, I had to find out this was who he was from the start - only after 10 years of marriage. It left me with no reality - a feeling of having married a stranger. Please, don't do that to her. If she loves you, she'll appreciate your honesty and realize what it took for you to be honest.

[Loving_FGL]

I agree with Chey, when I started the relationship with my current bf 5 months ago, he was upfront about it with me and it has made things that much easier. Your finance needs to know, if she is the woman you know she is than she'll stay with you and she'll do what she can to help you through this. But if your not upfront with her this could blow up big time and end up with scars and bad feelings between you both. If she really cares for you then she isn't going anywhere, she'll take it in stride and you both will step into this marriage with a much better knowledge of who each other is. Working threw this together will only make you stronger. I wish you both blessings.

[tah2n]

Wow, it is funny that we are on opposite sides of the PA/SO spectrum but I SO understand what you are going through. I have to say that I agree with the other posts...the earlier you tell her (while scary, Im sure) it would really be better than her finding out on her own. I say this because I originally found the P by accident nearly 2 years ago and it scared me, upset me, and ultimately broke my heart. Because of the hiding and secrecy, my broken heart has not yet fully repaired. I doubt if it ever will. I oftentimes wonder how much easier this would have been if he had been upfront. I know that telling her is not really the advice you want to hear. I am uncomfortable giving advice having only extremely recently realized that this is addiction and not pass-time, but speaking for myself alone--having known earlier would have saved me from lots of hurt feelings and I would have still stayed with him. If your SO knows, it may force you to be accountable. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I know that you can overcome too. I wish you all the best.

[Miki]

...he treats me like a princess, but this one damn problem always came between us and grew way out of control. I began to develop symptoms of anxiety, and my body started screaming for relief, tension everywhere in my body, stomach problems, I was letting it eat me alive.

I want to thank everyone for their comments. This thread has brought some things into awareness for me. I love my boyfriend deeply and primarily think of him as a good person and an unbelievable partner. I often think that if this one issue wasn't in our lives that I would be experiencing the best/healthiest relationship I have ever had. I am noticing that this is a common theme among partners of SO's with PA. I am beginning to see a pattern: when his PA starts to get out of control, he almost falls over himself to do nice things for me- likely out of guilt/shame. Noticing this makes me question all the other aspects of our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if he is settling for me or being good to me because not many other people would stick it out with someone who has this problem.

Rather, I wish that he would take the energy and resources he is putting into doing nice things for me into being proactive about PA.

At the same time, I am finding it next to impossible to take the energy I am expending on learning about his problem towards working on my own stuff. Will we ever be free of this vicious cycle?

[cyberpunk]

Miki,

I think that as you continue to read the posts of many of the recovering PAs and their SO you'll find an interesting pattern begins to become apparent. When they stop the addictive behavior their life and relationship actually becomes more difficult in the short term but greatly improved in the long run.

If you broke your arm and just started taking pain killers instead of going to a doctor you may not feel as much pain but the situation will only get worse. Going to a doctor might be inconvenient, uncomfortable or even painful but it will help you to get back to 100%. I think that P acts like a painkiller and often masks problems that are occurring in the relationship (I also think this is true of beginning a sexual relationship to early).

As the P is removed as a factor in the relationship it will brings other issues to the surface that are painful. You and he will be forced to confront them and it will be difficult but it can lead to a much healthier and happier relationship. I'm a single guy so take everything I say with a grain of salt but I feel that relationships should always be getting better and improving. I want to be more in love with my wife at 80 than I am at 30. Will your relationship make you happier in 20 years or more angry, hurt and betrayed? If it is the latter than what is in the way? Once you have figured out the problem, in your case a PA of your SO, then you need to decide if you AND HE are going (not just willing) to take steps to overcome the problem. If you aren't BOTH willing to work on the problem then you should question remaining in the relationship. Just my two cents.