Don't Lose Yourself

[the100thkiss]

{Note: I may write “he” but it applies to both male and female partners}

I’ve recently started living with my partner for the last 6 months. He studies computer graphics and spends a lot of time on the computer, which he has done since he was a young child.

University comes into lives and a time is spent where you develop and urge to have “fun” and explore the opposite sex.

If you’re not in a certain position and young girls aren’t really into you, only as your friend. With the internet, pornography plays quite a demanding feature in your life.

Unfortunately when you live with someone else and start to share your life, it becomes a part of someone else’s and someone else’s business, which is where I come into it.

I’ve read a lot of partners stories who live with their partners and husbands who have an “addiction” and it seems that apart from the fact that they all lack confidence, they also completely have lost who they are as people.

Most importantly, as I stated above the person with an addiction brings a burden into your life. Yours, something nobody else owns, you are in charge 100% of your own life. Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

It’s so easy to lose yourself and your thoughts when they are being consumed with fear and hurt.

The one thing to remember when you start learning about his/her addiction is that this is not your addiction. Apart of your life it may have become but it certainly does not rule you.

The stories where people have written of the partners who shout and say that you are invading their privacy or you are trying to turn them into something; you have no control over them.
Every person reading, I beg you to stand up to this stupid lie.

Your partner is lying to you in fear. In fear because they know that you don’t have to live with them, that you can leave whenever you like, you have no duty to that person to bring you down.

And they KNOW that it’s not normal, when they sit at the computer and search for sordid pictures of horribly pornographic material they HEAR in their heads “this is wrong – but I have to”
The partners that tell you “It’s normal to look at pornography, every man does it”

Would you think it were normal for your partner to start going to prostitutes?

No.

So why are you believing that all men have a right to look at women bending over with their crotches in the air?

Step back. Take a step back and look at the person you love. From a distant view, maybe even make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship.

As soon as you start viewing them you will know in your heart what to do. If your partner has a selfish addiction to his pornography, doesn’t care if you know about it, doesn’t care whom it hurts, sleeps soundly and never apologises, just accuses YOU of being the nosey one.

Is he worth fighting for? – You will never be able to help him until he realises he even needs help.

If your partner has bouts of viewing pornography, he can abstain for short periods of time, eventually looking and lying about it, he feels vulnerable and ashamed of himself, and he is scared and tells you he IS sorry, promises not to look again.

Do you have courage and hope in him? Do you think he will fight hard enough to better himself? – Because he is worth fighting for and helping if you believe in him.

There is always hope, in any person if you really think they want to be different, if you feel that they are sorry for hurting not only you but themselves.

Bringing me round to – He’s not doing it to hurt you.

It’s not about you.

It’s not about you at all. If you were to abstain from having sex in your relationship what stops him from masturbating on his own? – There is no excuse for looking at pornography. – You can say “men are visual creatures; they need to see to be stimulated”.

They don’t NEED visual stimulation. IT may help to aid. But it is not the only method.

Don’t believe your doubts.

More to the point, it isn’t your fault. We make our own lives and our own choices. This addiction started off as a choice, not something you forced him/her to do, not something that you suggested, not weight you put on, clothes you stopped wearing, food you started eating, time you stopped spending together.
It is about the person with the addiction no matter how much we are affected.

What you need to remember and things you can do to the help the partner who WANTS to get help:

1.What’s mine is yours
Do not have separate lives. Your partner is YOUR business. And never believe otherwise. What you should believe firmly is that you have a RIGHT to look at whatever you like on their computer/mobile phone/laptop/PDA/etc.

2.The innocent do not hide
He/she may say “You don’t need to check up on me, I’m innocent” The innocent do not say things like that. You are the innocent party. Caring for your own wellbeing and whom you love is not a crime.

3.You can take another road
The key to staying strong throughout what is a very painful process is to remember that although you are on this road and apart of this pain. You are stronger than you think you are. You can get through this, if you ever feel yourself slipping and you can’t think of anything BUT this problem, it is time to get off this road. This isn’t stuck on you. Please remember that you can leave and have time to remember who you are.

4.Make sure you use the computer too
Making sure you use the computer and have time to spend online, perhaps with women’s websites, sites of interest, gardening, Facebook, ivillage, connect with other women and other people.

5.Install an internet blocker/monitor
Installing an internet blocker to block websites that you wish and any sites including a list of choice key words. You can even limit internet connection in a timetable fashion. Of course not to get too power mad. But touching back to point one. As long as you’re sharing your life with this person, it is your business.

This aid can help your partner very easily and straight away results with combating the actual viewing. Of course desires are another matter and they need to be addressed by your partner. This helps your partner limit their boundaries and takes away the temptation.

6.Boundaries
MAKE SOME. When you have a child you and your partner should sit down and work out rules, they may come up at the time but for successful parenting your child will know their limits.

Apply this to your partner. Some people with addiction (my partner) feels that there are no boundaries and can carry on as they like just doing whatever they like. That no matter how much they push you, you’ll never leave because you can’t live without them.

Make it quite clear that there are lines – all over the place. And if they are crossed, you will take action. Even if you really do feel like you couldn’t stand to be without them, you have to realise that this person NEEDS you to be stronger. Be prepared in your mind to leave them if it comes to the crunch.

7.Remember
This is an addiction. It may seem silly and pathetic that somebody can be addicted to just looking at pictures, sometimes not even touching themselves. Just searching for it in some cases. It is an addiction that works in the mind just like any other. It may have no physical reactions, and sometimes it may. Your health is affected when you live with any kind of addiction and stress. It is a constant struggle for your partner.

However again. It isn’t your addiction, don’t be afraid. Remember that it’s all easier said than done. But you can do it.

[Disillusioned76]

=D> Thank you for this excellent and EMPOWERING post! I feel strongly about the importance of boundaries as well as the need to focus on ourselves. It is easy to get consumed by this problem but we are stronger than we frequently give ourselves credit for. I needed that reminder! Thank you!

[the100thkiss]

I'm glad you felt that the post was empowering to you. I've read a lot of posts from confused and lost partners. I wanted to remind them of the simple things you forget when your "stuck" in any hard time.

[Amanda788]

Thank for your long and insightful post. This forum is great, but sometimes it's hard to find positives here. Thanks for the uplift!

[the100thkiss]

I'm glad people are finding it helpful. I just love my partner and learning about his addiction has given me heartache but sitting down I realised things that I should of been remembering.

Thought they might help if other people had forgotten them also.

[Disillusioned76]

Just another note...my ex-husband has wanted to reconcile for some time, and we had a discussion about internet blockers and such. I had been concerned that this was trying to "control him" and viewed it as possibly co-dependent. I have been thinking a lot about your post, and I think I see it differently now, in terms of healthy boundaries. If he really wants to rebuild trust, this should be an acceptable choice...right? Thanks again!

[the100thkiss]

I struggled with thinking I was some crazy girlfriend who was trying to control him and thought that I should even just let him look and try not to be worried about it.

When I spoke to him about the number of times I'd seen links I didn't want to see in the history, and had another talk about him having promised not to look.

The thing was that he truely didn't want to but he couldn't break the habit. I installed the blocker a week ago now and he feels so relieved that I've taken the temptation away.

I look at it as he knows it's there, so it's helping us both together. He's relieved and it's stopped him searching for it at all and my paranoia has completely gone. A couple of days ago he asked me to switch mature content off for his membership to an art website.

So it's also helped him ask me for help. It definitely builds up trust. Plus if he were to ever disagree or want it removed he would need to come to you and you could then make that decision together.