Do I stay or do I go!

[NotMyDream]

Where do I begin. I stumbled on to this website because I'm great at letting my "fingers do the walking" when I have questions. I'm not sure I'm actually in the same situation but I'm close. I've read as much as I could so bear with me if this is redundant.

I've been married for over 30 years, yes back in the 70's imagine those dresses! I have 2 grown daughters in their 20's. It was the typical Ozzie & Harriet type house, Mom stayed home raised the kids and Dad went to work. I could go on but I won't bore you. Let's just say that in that many years there were ups and downs. He had gone on vacation with his brother. When he got back we went on our anniversary trip. The day after we got back he told me he wanted a divorce, he was attracted to a co-worker. mid-life crisis? We have been separated for 2 years. He finally got the papers in order, I figured he wanted out he was going to file. I got over the shattered dreams, to a point, and was making plans for my future. 55 is the beginning of the rest of my life! On our last talk he told me that his P, MB, CS addiction has taken over his life and he's worried, which I knew he had an off and on problem with. Co-worker is now out of the picture, she's
moving. He doesn't want to go for professional help, he is up the corporate ladder and he's afraid someone will find out. I do still love and desire the man. I am a helper type person too. He wanted to get together this weekend to go through the family photo's but I told him he might be better off going through them alone without me putting my spin on things. How much time and energy do I put into this? I was all set to move on until he dropped this bomb shell!

[Charly22]

Hi Dream, what a shocker that must have been for you, and then, trying to get to a point to be able to move on, and he's back, asking for your help. Sounds very difficult. It certainly sounds like he's had a good harsh dose of reality and is able to see what is going on with him, that is a plus.

Only you can decide if you should stay or go. Surely you knew that would be the answer right? Only you can decide that. But I cannot determine if he is just asking for your help with his p,mb,cs addictions? Or is he is asking for your help with that, as well as getting back together with you? I cannot tell.

If he is hoping to be back with you in a relationship...maybe you should consider keeping that at a distance, but at the same time, being a friend and helping him conquer these addictions. I can understand him not wanting to seek professional help, there are other avenues, such as this website! I would suggest he take a look at it. There are a couple of books that might be a good place to help him start. One is called Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes, he is an expert in this area. Research his name. Also...Don't call it love is another book about sexual addiction.

I think he has alot of proving himself to you before you can feel comfortable throwing yourself back into his arms. Be a friend, human being to human being, help him find some resources to start squashing the monster. It needs to be about him for awhile...before it can be about you again. That's my take on it. Thanks for sharing with us. I hope he can find a way out of the darkness.

[NotMyDream]

Thanks Charly!
Yes I did know the answer I would get was only I can decide what to do.

I can't really tell right now, he just told me about this on Saturday, what he is looking for. Sometimes he resents when I help because like I said, I'll research whatever the issue is until the cows come home! (BTW I ordered the books you reccomended last night & I sent him a couple of websites) I've given him tons of books on relationships when he left 2 years ago. I know he finally read the intimacy one but I was so frustrated that I really didn't want to discuss it with him.

Keeping my distance won't be hard since we don't live together, he's still a workaholic & he's getting ready to go on travel for 10 days. We did meet for lunch yesterday, I had given him a list of things I wanted him to answer. In the past he would never have done it but this time he was ready with answers. Maybe I should offer to go through the family pictures with him this weekend. At least it will get some kind of dialogue going!