I the battle is far from won!

[native_sun]

When I was 17, I started dating a man (19) that told me he did not need porn that he had me. A year later we were packing his stuff to move in together when I came across a magazine. Again, he told me that it was old (and from the date on it, it was) and that he did not need it and forgot he even had it, “to just throw it away”. We were together for 5 years. After about four years we had a leak in our bathroom and I pulled the paper lining below the sink. How could I have missed the stack of magazines under my stuff? It was like this smutt exploded in my home. Soon after that, I found more magazine’s and movies folded in with his laundry. Then in my stuff. Under the carpet, where he pulled the carpet back in the corner. I even found movies in zip-lock bags in the back of the toilet in the tank. He went to every extent to hide it from me. I was in the middle of planning our wedding. We had a roommate earlier that moved his girlfriend in, the stripper informed my fiancé that she would make sure he was “taken care of” at his batchelor party, I moved out that night and I though things would be ok when he came with me. I later found out he was a regular at her club. Eventually, our fighting about pornography and me being against it turned physical. If I brought it up, I was forced to protect myself with my fists. My time after I got home from work, before he got home, consisted of searching our home for his porn. It consumed me, trying to protect myself from the betrayal. After a year of this, I left him. Heartbroken and shamed. I was in love with this man…GREATLY. After a year of us apart, he told me he admitted that he had an addiction and that he had been seeing a counselor. He realized the pain he brought me and we got back together. By this time, computers and the internet were more popular in every home. There were no more magazines or movies for me to worry about, instead I found what his computer contained and what he found on the web. I could no longer deal with the lies and deceit. I left. It took me 15 years to get over him. But I am still not over the porn. I have become a broken woman. I trust no one and have issues holding onto relationships as I push men away. I feel so betrayed. The things he said to me are unspeakable. He told me he would rather look at that, then be with me. He told me I had no idea what went on in the strip clubs so I could not judge them. That it was all innocent.

I am so sick of hearing “what’s the big deal”, “get over it, it’s everywhere and you can’t do anything about it”. I even went so far as to try, “If you cant beat ‘em, join ‘em.” At 25, I had a friend tell me that to get over things is to face them. We waited tables together in a restaurant and she talked me into waiting tables at a local strip club, I was determined to have a normal life. He was right, I did not know what went on there. It was much worse then I expected, I did not make it through a shift. I delivered a drink to the private room and the strippers mouth was not just talking.

Like I said before, the pain consumed me. I went into a dark, deep depression through those years and attempted suicide. God thought it was not my time. My family did me no wrong so I owed them to try to find a way through life. But I still cant deal with believing that I am just supposed to accept this. Do they, the men, care the pain involved? All because of porn.

I am 34 now, I met a wonderful man 10 months ago. I think I can finally fall in love again. We laugh, and have fun, we are open to each other about everything. I though things were great, I thought. The porn is here again. I see the same pattern happening all over again. He told me the same thing as what I heard at 17, it was his past and he does not need it because he had me. I did not think my heart could break anymore. The pain is immense. Maybe everyone is right, I have to find a way to accept it. I started going to a counselor a few weeks ago, maybe I could find a way to deal with it. I cant stand that it is even in the house. I do not trust him when he says that he is not looking at it and that it is just there. I went to my first appointment, upon me getting home, something made me turn on the saved programs on the OnDemand. OMG… there is was, he rented 2 videos, porn he said he did not know it was available and just wanted to see what it was. Really? Am I that dumb? And he knew I was going to the counselor because I could not deal with what he had and he is watching it while I am trying to deal with it. All this time he has been telling me he is not watching it. I continued to see the counselor, I wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe the pain could lessen. Then it hit me the words came out of her mouth…”Just get over it, its not a big deal” I thought I was going to throw up. I have not seen her since.

I am trying to get him to understand how bad it hurts. How it effects me. He says that I do not trust him and that it is my own insecurities. He tells me that there are plenty of women that like to watch it. I am hearing of all the women he has been with that did not have a problem with it. I tell him then go back to them. He wanted someone different, he got it! I do not want to leave him. I love him. He says that he loves me too. He wants to meet me half way that he does not have a problem with porn but is not willing to get rid of it. That he will take it out of the house and leave it at a friends, but not let me destroy it.

I am crumbling. I cant sleep. The circles under my eyes are getting darker. I am getting later and later for work every day. I cant stop crying. Even at work. I told my boss my Uncle was dying and that is why I am crying. How long can I keep that up? I am the one dying, I am dying inside. It hurts so bad. How do I find a way to deal with this? Am I just better off alone? Is there an end? Does the pain end? I want you men to read this. I want you to know the pain you cause. I cant put how bad it hurts in words. The betrayal, the deceit.

I have been writing this over a few days. I feel so alone and hurt. I have talked to friends and family and all but one agree porn is disgusting and hurtful, but it does not lessen the pain. I even found out my aunt divorced her husband over it but what can I do but leave. I don’t want to leave. And what of the next man. I can’t run forever.

I came home from work yesterday to be greeted on the steps with a bag containing 20 videos and a magazine, all porn. He told me he did not want to loose his best friend and that I could do what I wished with it. I do not feel that I have won. The betrayal has been done. I can’t help but wonder if he just gave me enough to shut me up. I can’t help but wonder if there is more hidden. My trust is gone. He fought so hard to keep them, I don’t know what changed his mind. He saw me crumbling. He told me that the reason he fought to keep them is just because, How dare I even ask for him to throw away one of his belongings and how dare I not trust him. I love this man and do not know what to do. I have to find a way to trust again and believe in him. I have not gotten over going to that counselor and I will not go back to that yet. Anyone have any suggestions as to reading material or suggestions that might help me? I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop but what if he is being honest with me and I will destroy this relationship more by not being able to forgive? Please tell me I am not forever lost?

[Charly22]

Hi Native, thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us. I must say, after reading your post, I am sickened by the fact that a counsellor would tell you such a thing. It is not ok. It IS a big deal. Someone should show her the journals on this website, and ask her again if she finds this kind of pain OK. This problem is thriving across the world, it lives in the dark, it is hidden, men do not realize the extent of the pain that is being caused by partaking in this. Women do not realize what they are doing to themselves by being participants. They will, don't doubt it.

You do not have to accept it. You should not have to sacrifice your respect and self esteem. Please equip yourself with what you need to first of all, realize that this is not a reflection of what you are, or are not. Porn is a lie. Strippers are lying to themselves and the audience. It will steal the very core of men and women and leave them wondering what the hell happened.

I wish I had some perfect words or phrase to offer you. You story is quite familiar to me. I have watched my husb fall into such a downward spiral because of sex addiction. Not just porn addiction, but sex addiction. Its all related. I have heard all the excuses you have heard. I have been labeled a prude and told I was being insecure....even though I would do same things as you, trying to think "well, if ya can't beat 'em join 'em" No matter how much I tried to feed the monster, it was never enough. I finally realized I've got myself all wrapped up in this problem of his as well, trying to satisfy the never ending urges. Its gotta stop somewhere. I hope you can be strong enough, and set your foot down and be confident in the fact that you will not tolerate it. You know firsthand what damage it can do.

I have a couple of titles of books that I have read myself...and I must say...when I started reading and learning all I could about sex addiction, it really turned things around for myself. For the first time, in all the years I fought with these problems, and let it eat me alive to the point that I was physically making myself sick, developing an anxiety that I never had a problem with, physical symptoms of my body trying to tell me to RUN....Protect myself.....this is toxic. So....thank God I finally starting seeing for what it was....an addiction....a lie....and not because of anything I was lacking. Not until I threw myself into these books, this website, and seeing it for what it really was, was I able to overcome those physical and mental problems.

Please read OUT OF THE SHADOWS, by Patrick Carnes, he has other books too I think. Also...another is called DON'T CALL IT LOVE. These will bring alot into the light that right now seems very dark to you. You are not lost forever, the men wrapped up in this stuff are the ones that are lost, and if you truly love this man, and if he truly loves you and is willing to tackle the problem, he will need your help. When it comes to any addiction...ANY ADDICTION....it cannot be done alone. We all know that an alcoholic needs support of family, loved ones, some type of support system if they ever stand a chance of beating it. This goes for ANY addiction. They cannot do it alone.

Please read all you can on here. There is alot of eye opening advice. Alot of folks in your same situation. Go to the library, find those books, you will be suprised the change you find in yourself once you truly take the time to read and understand. God Bless you...and I hope you find what you need.

[FoolishMind]

Dear Native_sun, my heart sincerly goes out to you. I feel compelled to apologise to you on behalf of all men.

The idea that P has affected your relationship for so many years shows truly how strong your heart is.

THere is not a lot I can say that isnt already on this site, which im sure you will go through. What I will say is, first and foremost, that counseller and many more will not truly understand PA, or even recognise it as an addiction.

The fact that 9 out of 10 men say that every man looks at P, shows us exactly where society has gone. Over a year ago, I was the same, and genuinely would have laughed if anyone said I had a problem. I though for years that my wife was just being stupid, and she should just be happy I was with her.

To cut a long story short, people can change, but the change has to be truly wanted by the person who is addicted. I did not change my ways because of my wife. I changed because my wife showed me reasons why I should change for myself. Its been just over a year now of me being P free, and my wife is has rebuilt her confidence and respect of me, and I love her a zillion times more.

You will see many partners to PA have documented her that writing is a letter is the best way to get through to a PA, and really explain your feelings that way, and advise them of TTF. a PA does not realise that there are many others like them. When a PA first joins this site, they will be able to relate to 90% of what others go through and experience here. It is that, that can truly open ones eyes and make a concious effort to planning a strategy to control the addiction.

Keep up your strength Native_sun and feed yourself with knowledge on this subject, and I sincerely wish that things turn around for you.

FM

[Daniel]

native_sun,

Same as what Foolish has said, I am sorry for your years of trauma.

It sounds like your man is taking a shot at coming out of the dark, and I sincerely hope he does for his own benefit first and your gigantic fringe benefit.

If he cleans up only for you then the changes will ultimately be mere cosmetics, no serious internal changes.

I have seen men come here, post about their signficant others' misery, describe their own efforts to break P from their life, BUT, the effort literally revolved around the SO and how she was making it. Or not.

If the SO responded badly (as is usual due to the pain), the P Addicts' efforts seemingly stop as they drop off the boards here. I hope they come back and many do. But they can't make The SO The Reason.

Heart surgery is what's required. He has to know in his heart, has to come to grips with, the unspeakable pain this can cause the one he loves the most.

Then he has to be fully convinced in his own mind that CHANGE is badly needed. No pushing, no shoving, no arguments from the SO.

Perhaps that is what wakes him up. But to continue down the hard road of recovery, he will need more than someone mad and hurt, he will need his own highly personal resolve, perfectly justified that a life without P is a far better life.

FM paid a high price to learn this lesson. I paid a high price to learn this lesson. LuckyMan, Dave, rugbysteve, BrokenRick, Farmer, Cyp, Bodget -they have all been there.

I'll attempt to make some general observations that I hope can help you somehow penetrate the massive wall of denial that PA's instinctively construct to protect their habit.





As a former PA, I speak from my own experience and observations:

• statistics show nearly all men exposed to P at some point, it's how they respond that becomes the issue
• some men are very open about their P habit, no secrets, it's right there on the coffee table -rare but it happens; no secret life
• most men understand the shame at some level thus they are compelled to hide their habit (this was me)
• Porn is WRONG, let's drop some anchors
• Porn is a DESTROYER, twists views of the opposite sex, makes normal weird, makes weird normal
• Porn is a MONSTER that is only satisfied with more
• It's the titillation that keeps them coming back to P
• The images are hard to erase from the brain but it can be done through perserverance
• If the man has a conscience the shame and guilt of his constant viewing P can be tremendous
• To run from the shame he hides and lies, thus does not have to face it
• Some men start off with soft stuff, go to hard stuff, then harder, then act out with real life people at strip clubs or affairs, etc., etc.
• Some men start off with soft stuff and only escalate to a certain level then stay there for years -no physical marital infidelity etc.
• P is an affair of the mind; many SOs consider P to be exactly like adultery but with thousands of digital women; looking at P = cheating; as an ex-PA I swallow hard and say they are right
• Habitual masturbation (MB) is frequently part of the equation
• As Charly said, a support group of some fashion is critical to overcoming the brute habit, developing healthy habits, staying clean, encouraging others to do the same
• Rationalizations until the cows come home about how it's OK to look at P, this is the job description of a P addict: justify it, rationalize it, just so I can get my fix
• The Almighty Fix -the brain's reward center hits a jackpot everytime the PA sees a stimulating image
• The resulting endorphin rush and other "feel good" natural drugs flood the PA's system, thus the "fix"
• Stress, boredom, anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and many more will "trigger" PA's to go looking for a fix
• The Fix can blank out the unwanted feelings
• The Fix allows the PA to 'opt out' of any situation he doesn't want to face and can quickly become the 'go-to' for just about anything
• Sometimes the conscience can break through and the PA will swear off P forever, but without a serious effort of planning and changing habits, and brutal honesty, the change will not last
• In my case, I had to BREAK; without the loving support of my Wife, it would have been much more difficult -God used Her to save me from what could have been destruction

I apologize for the randomness of these observations, sort of a brain dump. This is done in the hope that thin rays of light will shine on the issue for you.

Knowledge is Power. Learn up.

Welcome to TTF despite the mind-wrenching circumstances,

Sincerely,

Daniel

[native_sun]

I am not sure if I am adding to this the way I am supposed to but I am having a hard time thinking let alone finding out how to use a new web site. I want to start off by thanking each of you that have added comments to my post. (Carly22, FoolishMind and Daniel) I think I need to clarify a few things about my original post. First please realize that this is two (2) seperate relationships that I have written about. The one that destroyed me and the one that is taking what little is left of me as a woman now. Thank you for stating how strong I am yet no, I walked away from the first time dealing with a PA and am staying to die this time, or so it feels. Also, I wanted to clarify that although I posted this on Wednesday, January 14, 2009, I received the bag o goodies Monday evening. As I said in the original post, I took days to be able to try to get this all out.Lot has been going obn this week. I am broken and alone. I cant write much now because I am at work and I cant sit and cry while my boss is here with a client. I just wanted to thank those who are leaving me hope. I will try to write more of the ongoings tomorrow. If you read my original post you may understand this... My uncle really has been sick, hence telling my boss that was why I was crying all the time, although it was not the real reason for all the tears and pain. However, he passed away this week and I will be off work to go to the Funeral tomorrow. He was old and will be in a better place, my worry is what I will tell my boss as to why I cant keep it together. Shame to think I have done nothing wrong yet I am the one suffering. I have lost myself and now fear for my job. I am sorry if I am just babbling, there does not seem to be a brain there. Just thank you for listening, thank you for Posting. Thanks for the support.

[Lorettababygirl]

I do not have a way with words, but I felt the need to reply here. But... *hug* I feel for you. You are not alone.

[rugbysteve]

native_sun,
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your uncle. I just noticed your posts today, but I felt compelled to respond, although I'm not sure I have much to add that is new.

Charly is completely right, PA is exactly just an addiction and like addiction it does not reflect on any shortcomings on your part. Also, Daniel and FM are right that the addict has to fight the addiction for himself and no one else. It was quite a wake-up call when I realized that I was an addict; I would have denied that PA could have even existed 6 months ago. But when I realized that I was felt myself compelled to lie to my SO's face in order to do this thing that hurt her so much, that I had a problem and that -I- needed help stopping. The "myth" that every guy look at P and that it is no problem is just that, a myth.
For me, P was a security blanket. Tossing away that security blanket was difficult. Over the years, I had found that when I was feeling low it would pick me up to go look at P, and soon when ever I was feeling low I had to get that P-"fix." It no longer was even a sxual thing to me, instead I was just searching for that "fix" to make my problems go away, or at least seem smaller. Its exactly like a alcohol or drug addict --- we both are seeking that fix. I don't even think that my problems were that big, in the grand scheme of things, but I had trained myself to seek out that fix whenever I was stressed out.

I hope that this story helps you understand the addiction, and that you should in no way blame yourself. The road to recovery hasn't been easy for me, especially as I try to accept responsibility for my actions. There have been several times where my SO came close to leaving me, and I would not have blamed her if she did. The effects of my PA hurt her deeply, but they are my addiction and my problem and not hers.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but I am glad that you have found your way here.
-steve

[Bird-boy]

Hello. I discovered your profile, and then read this journal today. I also noticed that you haven't been here in a few months. Please don't feel compelled or pressured to come here, just do what you think is good for you in your current situation.

I am one of the teenage members of this website. I'm not an adult with huge advice, but I do know of something that may be beneficial to you (and maybe beneficial for your SO also):

Six months ago, I discovered an account on YouTube.com that had 5 videos posted of a great speaker named Shelley Lubben. I think the user account name was "everymansbattle" (all one word, without the quotation marks). The 5 videos are all of her speaking to an audience, each video labeled Part1/5 through Part5/5. The whole speech is about 45 minutes.

(Besides this random account with low quality video [the words are what matters], Lubben has her own account, a website, and started a foundation called "The Pink Cross Foundation."
You may really benefit from what she says in the 5 videos I mentioned; and after you watch it, maybe you can decide if what she says is something you want the current man in your life (that you mentioned) to hear.

(Here is a link to the videos: YouTube - everymansbattle's Channel.)