Do I believe him or do I give up on us?

[luuvangel]

Here I am once again after a long while.

I have once again caught my partner not only surfing porn but also posting pics of me from "our eyes only" collection on redclouds.

I confronted him once again and it was like dejavu. At first he didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with what he had done....since we have explored many different adventures together. After not speaking for a couple a days....getting up going to work....and so on. The biggest shocker ever...

He asked me last night if counselling was covered under my group plan. He admitted to having a problem and wanting to seek help. Which is great...but somehow I get the feeling that it is just an attempt to smooth things over.

Is his admission from last night and interest in getting help genuine? Should I even bother getting my hopes up?

Help....suggestions?

[Amanda788]

Welcome back to TTF. I'm relatively new but this site has been a lifesaver. It has helped me a lot.

I don't want to tell you if you should stay with your guy or give up on him. I don't think I know enough about your relationship to tell you that.

However, I can say that you need to confront him again. Ask him how sincere he is. Tell him that you know he looked at porn again after confronting him. Tell him you want an explanation.

Maybe get a filter for your computer that would block websites of a pornographic nature. Or download accountability software. I think it's probably very hard for guys to quit because it's SO accessible.

Also, maybe suggest he get on here and start a recovery journal. Or read some of the other guys journals. Also he could look at some of the SO's journals. That could help put into perspective why it's wrong.

Counseling sounds like a good option for you two. If he is the one that suggested it, I would make an appointment asap.

Anothe thing, if he is just suggesting counseling and saying he has a problem just to make you leave him alone about that is a bad sign. It shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Amanda

[Charly22]

Addiction is a complex place to be. One minute he'll admit and TRULY feel like he has been doing the wrong thing, and will want to take any measure to make it up to you, and he will be most sincere. The next minute, the beast is whispering excuses and justifications in his ear.

And no matter where the two of you have ventured together to, the bottom line is, you feel in your heart what is wrong, what does not fit into the realm of true pure love. You cannot help that, thats the way its gotta be. If there is true love involved, that true love is what will guide you, and will let you know what is good for the two of you.

And whether you call it an "attempt to smooth things over" or call it a true surrender, he is vulnerable and needs understanding and guidance and encouragement. He cannot do it alone. So, don't expect that because he has messed up, that is totally up to him to fix it. It cannot be done alone. Don't give up on encouraging him to find an outlet, to talk it out, to really take a good hard look at the effects that P has on a relationship, on peoples lives, on society as a whole. He's put it out there in the open, to be talked about, to analyze, to get help. Help him find that help.....if you truly love him.

[Disillusioned76]

I'm not sure if my response is going to be a popular one...but I am shocked at the level of betrayal in this situation. Addiction or not, posting private pics of someone you are supposed to love and respect crosses some serious boundaries to me. I recognize that addicts need support and encouragement but they also need clear boundaries and tough love. Also, addiction or not everyone must be responsible and accountable for their own decisions. Is the victim of betrayal responsible for being the perpetrator's cheerleader towards recovery? To me that seems a lot to ask.

[Charly22]

I could not agree with you more Disillusioned. It is an AWFUL LOT TO ASK. Probalby one of the hardest things to ever do. But from Luv's earlier post, it is obvious that there is a lot of love involved. AND...when one decides to stay and work something out....the ONLY way to get that started is to be supportive to the one in need of help. Anger/Spite/Revenge/Screaming will only push him away and not equip him with the tools needed. Just my thoughts.....thats all.....speaking from experience here.......years and years of it.......no two situations are ever the same.

[Chey143]

I'm with with Disillusioned here...Way over the line here and way too much to ask for that much support so soon. They can "be human" but we must be "superhuman" and forget our betrayal and pain so they can fall softly? Just now, I'm in search of my own tools and trying to equip myself to deal with what's happened here.

Sometime you have to grow up and make the hard choices. If you need help, get it and be honest, but don't expect me to put your feelings first.

[luuvangel]

Thank you all soo much for your replies and comments. It helps to know that I am not alone and it somewhat relieving to be able to talk to someone.

The posting of the pictures is a recurrin gevent in our lives. A few months ago was the first time I caught him doing it. I felt very invaded and degraded by his actions. I feel that I am nothing more to him than a sex object. When I confronted him about it....he assured me that he only does it because he finds me incredible sexy and gets off on showing me off. That is no excuse and is not acceptable to me. What ever photos we have and whatever adventures we've shared....are ours and ours only to treasure. Because we are both very open minded and have gone to places such as Hedonism and a couple of swingers clubs here and there....I feel like I have somewhat contributed to the problem. But I also thought that we had a clear understanding that whatever we chose to do...we did it as a couple and with full and mutual consent without loosing respect for each other.

I feel that that respect has been lost and I now have a hard time trusting him. I have a million questions that only he can answer...or maybe time would tell. I'm just not sure that after 4 betrayals along with daily 2 hour porn sessions...I have it in me to commit to being supportive. There is only so much that I can deal with. This time he's on his own....I need to take care of my own emotions and feelings before I can even begin to deal with his. I gave him the information for counselling which I have available through work....so the ball is in his court....his (our) destiny is in his hands.

I think I'm just going to remove myself from the entire situation until he is ready to commit with a clear and definite action plan for the road to recovery. Being selfish maybe....but I cannot let his problem affect my emotional well being.

This time it's all about me...I think I can say that after trying to cope with it for well over a year.

Thank you all for your support!

[Charly22]

We are here trying to find a way to continue on with our relationships with our SO and their PA. Otherwise, we would not need to be discussing these things, and one would be far gone out the door already.

I have lived with a PA for 21 years. I can truly say that nothing really changed until I put my foot down, set limits, tried to enforce those limits, became the enemy, and spent soooo many years angry and mad and spiteful and bitter. Granted, those are all things we will have to go through to get to a point of understanding and support.

My point in all this is....not until I was able to let my anger go....and truly accept it was an addiction, a sickness and begin approaching it that way did anything begin to change for the better.

[Disillusioned76]

I think that I am seeing two issues here. An addiction is one, however posting intimate pictures of your partner crosses into a serious violation bordering on sexual abuse in my opinion. To be clear I am not an advocate for spite or revenge, but I'm an advocate for clear boundaries. I would never tell anyone what decisions they must make for themselves, but it is healthy to have some "deal breakers" in any relationship. You can love someone and still be unable to be in a relationship with them. There are no clear answers...obviously everyone must do what is right for them. As far as anger goes, it is not the emotion that is bad but it is what we do with it that can be healthy or unhealthy. It is an emotion that we need to listen to because it often has an important message to tell us.

[luuvangel]

Thanks Charly22...I am no longer angry...I got over the anger a long time ago, which is why I no longer feel it is my problem or responsibility to make it better.

There were rules and boundaries set from the very begining of our relationship. Numerous arguments and dissapointments over the last 6 years always somehow related to his addiction... I just don't want to engage anymore.

Yes....he has finally for the first time admitted to having a problem...but just like all the other times, he is more concerned about how I found out than focusing on the solution. It's like we are our wheels and not really moving in any direction. Only difference is my wheels are in motion and I have closed the door on being supportive. At least for the time being...no plan coming from him....no support. He has to prove to me that he is sincerely willing to change and has thought it through well enough to have an action plan. I think I stand a better chance of seeing him succeed if the initiative and plan comes from him versus me trying to enforce something.

M