Stuck in cynicism

[Disillusioned76]

I feel like in many areas of my life I am doing well. In regards to this issue, I feel so stuck. It has been over a year since my divorce (you can see my journal for more background). I still see my ex at least once a week and I care for him a great deal. He wants to reconcile but I feel like I have so many walls up, no one will ever be able to get past them. I now have some deeply negative beliefs about relationships and there is a sense of grief that it always right beneath the surface. It feels like a hole in my chest. I'm just tired of all of this. He lied to me about porn for the entire 10 years of our relationship. He swears he would quit, that I mean more to him. I don't believe it. I also don't even want someone to quit because of me...I want them to quit because it is important to them. I don't think that I will find any man out there that doesn't look at porn so I feel like I should just give up on the idea of ever being in a relationship again. I'm only 32 and that just feels so sad. I tried for years to just deal with it, because men will be men and all that crap...but I just couldn't change how I feel. It just made me feel awful. Now I still feel awful but I guess I am standing by my beliefs and values. It just means that I am alone. Sorry this was a depressing post. I'm sure the holidays are getting to me too.=((

[Chey143]

Hello D-
Yeah, the holiday's are hard on us all. My son turns two tomorrow...can't believe that one. Anyway...I really can relate to you and your situation. The pain this causes is just beyond anything I have ever felt before. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel angry, hurt, worthless, small and stupid. I mean - how could I not know? Sure there may have been a couple of red flags, but I chose to believe all that BS.

I think it was so admirable of you to go through with the divorce. It must have been a really hard decision, but you stood up for your beliefs.

It's day 15 for me since I discovered what my husband was doing online and it's been a complete roller coaster ride. I know others hate the "ultimatum" way of doing things. I think though, you just have to be willing to give the one you've committed to a chance to do the right thing by you. People make mistakes. After that, all bets are off. I would never expect him to allow me to have sex with other men, pretend or otherwise. Bottom line - he can have me or he can have his fantasy ladies. Just can't have both. Maybe I'm a prude - but it's a lifestyle that I can't live with. It's too hard on my self esteem - on my heart. If it is a "must have" in his life, he'll need to find someone who is accepting of it and I'll need to learn to be without a man - like you, I don't think there could be anymore "relationships" in my future. Sad to be so jaded, isn't it?