My Story

[Amanda788]

Hello,
I'm new to TTF, and I wanted to introduce myself and tell my story. I'm 20 years old and a junior in college. My SO, Rick, is 24.

My SO Rick and I dated for about 2 and a half years. I've known for most of our relationship that he looked at porn, but I never realised the extent of how bad it was.I told him I didn't like it. That it made me feel inadequate, ugly and like I wasn't satisfying him. He would justify it, saying that unless I could be around him everytime he felt like sex that he needed it. Twice he told me he would give it up, and I believed him. He mde me doubt if it was even a problem. I thought maybe I was just being a prude. But I couldn't put the feeling that I wasn't enough out of my head.

The last 6 months of out relationship got really rough. We had a really healthy sex life, I was happy with it. And then we started having sex less and less. He said he just wasn't in the mood. I told him it was ok, maybe it was stress or maybe he should get a check up from his physician. He said he would, but weeks went by, and it just got worse.

I thought it was me. I didn't feel connected to him, and I expressed that I didn't. And he made me feel like it was my fault I didn't feel connected. I had been going through some family issues at home and I figured I was projecting the disattachment I felt at home onto him.

For all our problems, I wanted to be with him. I saw myself marrying him, and starting a family. And growing old together.

Everything fell apart on this last Sunday the 14th. The hot water wasn't working right at my hosue so I called him and asked if I could go to his place to shower. He was at work but I had a key. My sister went with me because she wanted a shower too.
We got to his house and my sister got in the shower, and I walked his dog. I was waiting to get in the shower, so I tried watching TV, but I couldn't get the cable to work, as usual. So I decided I would get on his computer and check my email and bank account.

I sat down at the computer and it was on, but the screensaver was on so I moved the mouse and the screen came back and it was open to his email account. Normally I would have just closed the screen and gone about my business. But something caught my attention.
An email was open and it was from Second Life.

For those of you who don't know Second Life is a online muli-player "game". You create an avatar and meet people in a virtual world. My friend, Rick and I had created accounts back on 2007. My friend Megan and I played for about a week, until we figured out that the whole poing of Second Life was to meet people and have virtual or cyber sex. We quit and so did Rick. I thought that that was the end of that.

The email on his computer was addressed to his Second Life characters name and it said something along the lines of that his "partnership" with someone was about to expire. This raised a hige red flag, because as far as I knew he wasn't playing Second Life and who was this "partner"?

So I did something that I hated doing. I snooped on his computer. I went through his emails. There were tons of them from Second Life. It was pretty obvious that he was hooking with girls in the game.
There were emails from porn sites that he was a member of. I looked through his internet history. He had been looking at porn, and lied to me about it.

I was angry, and hurt. I went home and downloaded Second Life to my computer and set up an account. I searched for his profile on Second Life and what I found shocked me.
He was "married" in the game to some girl from Germany. He was cybering with girls. He wrote stuff about them in his profile. About how they completed him, how "hawt" they were. I could literally feel my heart breaking.

I confronted him the next day after we both got off of work. At first he denied everything. Lied about it all to my face. That hurt.
Then he admitted it, everything. He said it had been going on for 6 months. He met these girls online and he said he didn't feel anything for them. It was just about sex.

I feel like he cheated on me. I consider cyber sex cheating. I'm sure other people agree and disagree with that. But it's how I feel. It hurts so bad.

I wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done to make him happier. I feel like I wasn't giving him what he needed so he looked for it in other girls in a online porn game.

We broke up. I told him he needs to see someone for his addiction. I told him I would go with him to see someone, but not as his girlfriend.

He says he'll change. And I want to believe him, but I don't trust him. He's lied so many times, and he's hid so much from me.

I found this site and showed it to him. He's signed up and has his sober clock ticking. He also put software on his computer that will alert ME if he looks at porn sites. We're signed up for counseling at the beginning of next year.

I think these are all good steps to recovery, but only time can heal the pain he's caused. And he has to prove to me I can trust him. I'm not giving up on him, but I need time away from him too.

If anyone can relate to this story it would be nice to be able to hear how others have dealt with it.

[Chey143]

Amanda -
I posted a quick response to you earlier thanking you for the post you had left for me. I have now read your first post and can't tell you how sorry I am. I've been married to my current husband for 10 years and I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

I can honestly say that you are not alone in how you feel. It is real to you. For a woman, I think sex=love and men just don't get that. All the "sorrys" in the world from him won't make you feel any better. To me it was just like him having an affair. You feel worthless and ugly. But your not!

[sybil]

Hi Amanda, I don't post much here, but I can tell you I do understand your hurt as will all the SO's here.
We all wondered what was wrong with us and what we did wrong. The answer is nothing. You can never hear that enough. You have done nothing wrong.

The problem lies with him and only him. You are not married to him or have children with him so consider yourself free to make a decision for you and only you. I know you will get lots of support here, so keep coming and take care of YOU. Sybil

[Chey143]

Also, because you aren't married to him I think you should really think about the reality of this situation. Will you be willing to go through this again and again? Can you stand the pain that this will cause you? I know you want to be supportive, but Sybil is right, you need to think about yourself and your future.

You don't have 10 or 20 years invested right now. You could move on. It's up to you, but it's a dangerous cycle. For myself, I struggle with weight loss issues whenever I feel my life is out of control, because that is all I CAN control. It's a dangerous road for me. Take care of you - and remember, I'm here to listen - although I may need to rant some too.

[Amanda788]

Thanks for everyone's kind words.
I am glad that I never made any legal committment to him while this was going on.
He's hurt me, and part of me wants to just move on. But I am still in love with him, I can't just turn that off. Before I found out his addiction to cyber sex I was ready to marry him. We had talked about it and we were waiting to get engaged until I was a little further along in college.

Now I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I should support him in his attempts as recovery, but ulitmately move on.
Or is I should support him and one day get back together with him.

It's been less then 5 days so I guess time will tell.

Chey,
I also equate sex with love. For me, and I think most women, sex is about the emotional connection as much if not more than the pleasure. I thought ex felt the same way. But now I have my doubts.

You're very brave to put on a brave face for your little boy. I wish you all the best.

[Amanda788]

I had a bad night last night. I just kept thinking what I did wrong that made him go turn to other women online. I just wonder if I had done more, if I made him happier, he wouldn't have strayed.
It hurts so bad. He says I have done nothing wrong. But I think it would be easier to deal with it if I could blame myself for it. I didn't satisify him so he looked for satisfaction. It's just too hard to think that he didn't care about me.
I want him to fix this. I want him to change. But I don't know if it will be enough for me to trust him again and go back to him.

I'm leaving with my family for Christmas tomorrow for 10 days. I think it will be good to get away from here. Rick and I are signed up for a counseling session the week I get back. I am hoping that it helps us both deal with this.

[Chey143]

Amanda -
These feeling will come in waves. For me it's waves of hurt, anger and sometimes blessed numbness. No getting around those self-esteem problems either. Try to remember how beautiful you are inside and remember that HE doesn't make you what you are, you do.

I think it will be the best thing in the world for you to get away from each other for a while. Enjoy your family - in the end, they are all that REALLY matter.

Best luck,
Chey

[Charly22]

From someone who has looked at this problem from every angle, flipped it this way, flipped it that way, tried this, tried that. Please believe me when I tell you that even if you had set up a porn studio and had porn festivals, and participated in his "second life" or if you had tried to be super sexy and tried to do things you wouldn't normally do thinking it would please him and prevent him from "straying", he would've still reached for those things. It took me a long time to learn this. It took me years of trying to "rev up my game" only to be let down ONCE again. Only to realize, no matter what I did, it was never enough. This is the problem w/ porn and sex addiction, there is no satisfaction, and even if he could be with the most sexiest woman alive, the most kinkiest, the most whatever, it will never be satisified. This is the reason it tears so many lives apart. Even fellas who have no significant other, end up miserable for these reasons. They become consumed with trying to satisfy it, no satisfication, it is endless, it leaves them empty. They ruin their lives by spending every possible moment chasing something that is never attainable. So....please....do not let this be a reflection on yourself. You will feel much better when you are convinced of this. And more able to understand him and what he's going through and help him out. Trust me, I have been there....done that.......but never took the time to learn about this, never knew this website existed, never talked about it with anyone, I let it eat my alive, for years, til finally, finally, we are at a point that we are able to see it for what it really is. You are different, you are here now, seeking advice from others.....think about it....research it...talk to him about some more...never stop talking to him about it......might be a day that you need rest and peace from it, but never let it get swept under the rug for good. Hang in there. Enjoy your family and Christmas, feed your spirit!!!!

[jerseygirl]

Amanda788 ...

I hope you understand when I say ... I'm sorry you're here. I'm almost in two minds on what to say. If I'm 100% honest with you, I would say to heavily assess your situation ... to think long and hard about the type of life you want.

There is a part of me that wants to tell you to just break away from your boyfriend. It will be a long road ahead if you choose to stay. One that will always have 'porn' looming over you.

On the flip side, you have love for your boyfriend and want to see him beat this addiction. If you split up, he may just sink deeper into it.

Please read Charly's post again ... she has a wealth of advice. She and I are at the same point with our husbands. I think it's very hard for a woman to understand that this addiction is NOT about HER!

Men are indoctrinated into lascivious behaviour from a very young age. Can you almost blame them? Flaunting a woman's sexuality is everywhere we turn in today's age ... magazines, tv, movies, adverts, books, internet ... impossible to escape.

Most people are also taught at a very young age that the topic of sex is a secretive subject. Masturbation if at all ... is rarely discussed. Men then develop an instinctual need to hide it ... leading to guilt and shame and whatnot.

It's a viscious cycle on a merry-go-round to which you bought a lifetime admission ticket. At this point ... you need to dig your heels in and accept the facts in front of you. Make the best decision for you ... whatever road you choose.

~jerseygirl~

[rugbysteve]

Amanda,
I followed your advice and told my gf about my triggers. I think it might have been hard to hear how easily my thoughts could wander to P, but I did my best to explain to her that its a problem that I have had since I was much younger and has only been getting deeper and deeper since then. I am very thankful for how strong she is for me.

I think it's even hard for me to realize just how ingrained my thoughts were to automatically go towards P, even for fairly benign triggers. The counselor I spoke with today had this analogy, and I think it is true: P started as a small river in a mountainside that, over time, as I fed it, ended up cutting a huge valley into the mountain and now everything on the mountain tumbles down the sides of the valley into the river. Now I am in the process of damming the river and filling in the valley behind it to rebuild the mountain.

I thought I would share that because I feel it is relevant to your thoughts. I am certain that the valley in Rick's mountain had nothing to do with you and that now he has started building that dam (denying triggers) and is rebuilding that mountain.

I hope that you have a good holiday with your family.