My Story

[Amanda788]

Thanks for listening Charly and Chey.
I really don't know what to do but to try to think rationaly, and take things day by day.

[Amanda788]

So Rick and I got back yesterday from our 6 day vacation. We had a really great time. We didn't fight about anything, we just enjoyed being with each other, and it was really nice. I think we really needed to do that. Get away from work and all of life's annoyances, and just be together.

I feel like we're finally getting past everything that happened last year. I feel that he really has redeemed himself and he's worked so hard to fix what he broke. I'm not completely healed yet, but that is something that will take time. I do feel that I have forgiven him. I'm tired of letting the whole thing bring me down, I just want us to move on.

So the trip was a success, and I really feel like we are closer.

I'm glad we're closer because I got some bad news from my doctor last week and I really need Rick to help me through it. He's always been my rock of support and I'm glad I still have him to lean on.

Anyway, I'll try to be on more this week, hope things are well with everyone.

[Chey143]

I'm glad to hear the trip was a success. Email me about the doctor if you'd like. Anything I can do to help, ok?

[Amanda788]

This week has been fairly uneventful. I'm going back to the doctor next week, so I've just been stressed about that all week.

Things with Rick are good for the msot part. I have this issue with out relationship. On one hand, he's this great, funny guy who I get along with great. He's my best friend, he's easy to talk to, we have great chemistry.

But on the other hand I don't trust him. I feel that he's been deceptive about a lot of things, some of which I am just finding out about. I just wonder what else he has lied about. It's getting old.

I think the good out weighs the bad but even so you can't have a stable relationship if you don't trust you're boyfriend. And I don't. We'll just have to see what happens.

[cyberpunk]

I think that often we who are PAs often justify our lies to our SOs by convincing ourselves that we are "protecting" them. Even when the truth (or part of it) is exposed and we are forced to tell the truth we try to spin it or only reveal part of it. Little do we know that our "protecting" our SOs is actually hurting them and our relationships even more. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and good luck on your healing.

[Amanda788]

Cyberpunk, Thank you for posting and your kind words. I never really thought about that Rick was lying to protect me. I can kind of see that. it doesn't make lying right, but wanting to protect someone is a nice gesture.

I haven't posted lately because I have had a lot going on. The Spring semester is almost over and I've had projects and papers due. It's been a really stressful 3 or 4 weeks.

I haven't been back to the doctor. I don't have insurance and I just don't have the money to go right now. I think I'll have it together by next month.

Things with Rick and I have been okay. Going away together was really good for our relationship but maintaining that closeless has been diffiicult. He's been working a lot lately and it seems like our days off never conincide. It's been hard and I feel like we aren't connecting or communicating well. But like they say "it can't rain all the time".
I'm sure things will get better.

[brokendream09]

Amanda,

I just joined TIF today actually, and your story was one of the first I read through because it related so much to my situation. A lot of people I've found through PA sites have been married and are faced with forgiving their husbands for their children's sake. But our situation, we're young and haven't made that commitment which ads a whole other set of complications.

The reason your story also relates so much to me, besides age, is that he was not just looking at P, but he was cybering.

My story is this...
I met J my senior year in college and after two men cheating on me, he was like a breath of fresh air. My previous ex had an addiction too so I knew that it was something I needed to confront early on in our relationship, because at that point I believed there was men out there that were not users or P, I just had to find him. Although it was a rough path, he finally came to me early in our relationship and said he agreed, it wasn't good for relationships and it just took someone pointing it out to him to see that he needed to change. We made it another year and a half with no P, to my knowledge. I felt on top of the world, I met the man I was going to marry and we were happy. Then our sex life took a hit too, over a period of a few months it became nonexistent almost and almost painful, I felt something was wrong with me.

We both graduated and I moved home temporarily while he went off to grad school. I was supposed to move out there the following semester. I think we've all checked up on our bf's at some point in time, always wondering if they were honest. I never had any reason to doubt J, but one night, I just had this nagging feeling and I kept remembering over and over the night I found out my ex had cheated. So although he was hours away I pulled up his email account (i had his password, i did favors for him all the time that required me to send stuff for school though his account for him, it was no big deal) but this time I dug a little deeper.

It was then I discovered craigslist ads he had replied to. P is horrible in itself, but when the one we love puts themselves out there and interacts with it....its so much worse. He had used his real email address, real picture, real first name, and real location to talk to these women about meeting up, half way cybering along the way. He even sent a picture of himself down below. I was heartbroken. The man I loved that I thought was different, he was almost worse then normal P addicted men. He never met up with them, judging by how abruptly the conversations ended. When I confronted he denied then finally admitted everything but swears he never went through with it. He said the moment it became too real he was done.

Since then we also broke up, but we talk very often and he's recently started going to therapy about it all. He's started opening up to me in a way he has never before and is honestly realizing the problem he had. He promises me everything and wants me back and I really want to believe him. I'm just stuck. Looking at P is hard for me, but knowing that he interacted with other women on an emotional intimate level is more than I can handle.

You've been there, and I know you posted this awhile ago but I hope that you have something to share that could help me begin to deal.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.