P is killing me mentally and physically

[lovesherman]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Porn is killing me in more ways than one. My boyfriend, whom I love more than anyone on the planet.. who promised me he would never look at P again.. (yeah right) but who changed his password on his computer, is looking at P again. I am so pathetic that I actually figured out his new password two weeks ago, went on the history and there it was. Last Thursday and this Thurs night, while I was at work he was MBing to P. I had a feeling... I can just tell... and it is killing. me... physically. I work in a restaurant and I bartend. Every night I am going to work I just feel sick because I know what might be going on at home. So what have I been doing? Smoking cigarettes because I am a nervous wreck. I am also drinking too much after work, because of the same reason. I wake up in the morning hating myself and hating him for this whole thing. I hate myself for being dishonest and actually hacking into his computer. I am sick about the trust or lack of it. I can tell when he makes love to me that he isn't there still. I am self destructing because of this monster called P. I haven't addressed the fact I know he is doing it again. I don't know how to because I certainly would never tell him I hacked into his computer and saw the P. This is becoming a vicious cycle. Every week I am becoming more unhealthy physically, mentally. I am asking the higher powers for spiritual guidance, because I need to find myself again before I can do anything about what to do in this relationship. If I didn't love this man so deeply and completely, and if I didn't commit to him, he would be on the curb right now. I am so sick of this whole damn mess. What do I do? He needs to know I know that he is at it again. I need to stop abusing myself. I am just sick about this. Thanks for letting me ramble. I need a good cry.

[Vorlan]

Hey Lovesherman,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. It's sobering to think of howbadly P addiction affects those closest to addicts.

As a PA myself I don't know how much I can help you (though I'm sure some partners's will come and post here pretty soon :) )

My advice is that you need to stop abusing yourself for this. In the end it is your boyfriend who has the problem here and it is not your fault. If he is going to get through this you need to be strong so that you can be tough with him to let him know how badly this is effecting you and him and then so that you can support him in recovery. It sounds like he hasn't recognised the problem fully yet but you have to protect yourself. For example if you are smoking and drinking heavilly when you tell him he needs to quit then that will give the addict in him an excuse to ignore your advice. Part of him will reason that his addiction isn't a problem and it's just the drink making you tell him to quit.

I wish you every success,

Sorry if I was insensitive or preachy in any respect in this post, I didn't intend to be. :)

Best wishes,

Ben

[lovesherman]

Vorlan

Thanks.. and no.. you weren't insensitve or preachy. Thank you for your thoughts and insight. I put on the nicotine patch Sat.... and haven't drank either. I guess sometimes burying your head in the sand is a way to help people numb pain.. or maybe just get through the sh*t storm. I did address some of my issues with my boyfriend on Sat night, ...but very subtley .. but I did not let him know I had snooped. I told him I just "knew" something wasn't still right with us. He got really defensive and even pissy, but I diffused it.. and we went to bed. The next day ..and for there after (until tonight.. he went to bed early because he has a ton of work/travel in the next 5 days ahead of him because of the holidays.. completely understandible) he has been completely different with me. He has been constantly touching and affectionate, (which is so weird coming from him..... but I love it!) He also made love to me on Sun a.m., and it was incredibly wonderful. The next night (Monday) was absolutely the most wonderful part of my week. He was real... human again, if you will. He initiated it.. he kissed me, he touched me, he held me, and he totally loved me. He made love to me with such passion that my breath was taken away. It was all I had ever wanted. It was the oasis in the desert, so to speak. It was freaken fabulous. I had been with him all weekend, and his computer was not available... so there was no P involved. I think the best part was that he came in me with a completion and a love that was so wonderful, I can't begin to explain. Was this a freak thing? Who knows. Who knows how this story will play out. It is an addict's story.. a one day at a time... so I guess I must be grateful for when these incredible times that I have with him happen... and be hopeful and positive for the next one, God willing. Must love always be a roller coaster ride? I will continue to be patient and there for him,... but no longer silent. Life is short. I want what I deserve.
Anyway... I will continue to love him.. but will also remember to love myself. Sometimes even the strong ones get dragged down through the cracks.
I will continually send good thoughts, love, and light to everyone on this hell ride. Merry Xmas and happy holidays to us who love... and to us who still need how to learn to love with or w/out P.
XOXO

[Charly22]

It is a vicious cycle once you begin "checking" and "monitoring". It will drag you down and you will be consumed with always having to know what he is doing. And before you know it, you will be addicted to checkin his addiction. You will be lost in a world of fear. Talk about making yourself physically sick, that will do it. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that it is pure hell when you drive yourself crazy with having to check the computer. No matter what you do....if he is addicted....he will find a way. It is very unfruitful to monitor and check. Especially if hasn't admitted to you that he needs to stop. Like you said, protect yourself. Accept the fact that this is what he is doing, you don't need to smear it all over you by searching and finding the details. Keep talking to him. And make sure you get those days in between where you can nourish your soul, and his too. And keep trying to get to the truth with him.

[lovesherman]

Charly

I havent been on for while. Its not that I haven't been on here.. just not participated. I am now just severely depressed. I have nothing ot offer anyone, when in fact I cant even help myself. Thanks for your response. Like a fool, I kept hoping for the best... kept hoping that someday this might get better... different... ... just kept hoping. I continued, as you said, and kept monitoring and checking... becoming obsessed with the knowledge of what was going on. Yet, I already knew... I could tell when I came in after work ... all I had to do was look at him.. it was so apparent. But... I still checked for my own self to know if my intuition was right... and it always was. I was 10 for 10 everytime. A perfect marksman. I got pissed off at one point because I just couldn't take it anymore. (Did he think I was really that freakin stupid!?)
You are right. I became addicted to checking on him. I am lost in a world of fear, and, even more now. He changed his password last week..and now I am unsure... can't validate what I am feeling.. hate him... love him...hate myself... am more confused than ever. I have addressed it with him a few times. He says nothing in response. (Denial is not just a river in Egypt.) Yes, we had our brief discussions.. usually one sided... he usually said nothing, but still kind of denied it and just looked at me. He had every classic sign... (how stupid am I for continuing this relationship...) Last weekend I stupidly tried to seduce him. What the hell wasI thinking!? Oh yeah, he's my freakin boyfriend.... I thought maybe he just might dig that. Only in a world without porn.. oh by the way. It was the single most humiliating experience I have had in a while. He was reading a book and instead of responding, he ignored me...... (my hand down his pants, tongue in his ear, kissing, carressing, etc)... and began reading out loud to me... about f*ing food items and their content. I got up, left,and went to work. Long story short.. he never responded verbally to an email I sent to him. He had sent one 1st complaining how uncomfortable the next night was because I was making him feel awful. (I just wasn't speaking since I really had nothing to say.) In my email I told him I knew what he was up to and I couldn't do it any more. He promised me he'd never do it again .. (again!)... yeah, right. He then changed his password. Now I cant accuse him of anything if I really dont know.. but I do know... i just can't be 100% positive. The problem is I cant talk to him about it... because there isn't a response and it kills me. I am so sorry in my laxness of writing back... but thank you for you advice and words. Any help advice or words would be greatly appreciated.

[Charly22]

Hoping for the best is not a bad thing, he's lucky to have someone as devoted as you. Hoping for the best is evidence of your faith. And I hope I don't sound too preachy here, but faith without works is useless, and vice versa. I have been where you are. I have felt so freakin desperate and searching for something, anything, to make it all go away.

So, with that said, do something, ANYTHING, just don't keep doing the same that you've been doing. Don't keep checking on him. Don't keep wondering if he did, you KNOW he did. Accept that fact. Research what you can about porn and sex addiction. Learn the logical side and physical effects of it all. And learn that it is not your fault. It is not because of something you are lacking. He would be in the same situation no matter who his partner is. Because of his lack of self control. This kind of thing sneaks up and consumes them before they ever realize. Sounds like he does not realize. He will be defensive. He will not want to admit to it. It sounds absurd to him because he seems no harm in it.

But, the focus needs to shift from what he is doing, and you need to focus on yourself, and what you can do to detach yourself from the overwhelming hurt it brings. Keep coming here and letting yourself get your feelings out, this is a safe place to be real about it all. Do what you need to do to protect your spirit. I've read here a few times now, that we should "detach and let the bulb screw itself". Meaning, we cannot control it. He will have to find out on his own. So...if the result of accepting his behavior means a harsh reality, then so be it. For instance, if it makes you unattracted to him and not want to have sex, then so be it, a consequence of his actions, that he will have to face. I have ignored those feelings and would "give in" and try to pretend like it would all be ok. Wrong thing to do. You'll only continue to damage yourself.

So...I think it is good that you wrote him an email...and if he doesn't respond, don't think that he doesn't think about it when he lays his head down at night. Sure he does. Like I said, I don't think he realizes what is happening and is probably like a deer in headlights. Its gotta sink in, the reality of what his actions are doing to you. You will need to make sure he gets this. Then, find a way to communicate about it peacefully, without anger and resentment.

For now....protect yourself and your peace of mind. Sounds impossible. But if you take action....any kind of action....whether it be going to the library and getting a book about this subject....or come here each day and learn all you can about everyone else's situation and your own......you will find it just a tad bit more manageable.....not so overwhelming.....don't allow yourself to spiral down out of control because of someone else's mistakes that they are not even aware of or able to admit. Hang in there.......and do something for YOU.

[apachedove]

I'm going through it also. Yesterday morning I received news that my last living aunt passed away. I was upset all day and just wanted someone to talk to. Well when my other half got home from work I started to tell him what happened. He goes straight to the bedroom and on the pc. It was so important to see if there were new updates and pics on his porn sites! I never did tell him about my aunt. I stayed in the livingroom until late.

He doesn't think I know what he's doing online, because I to have gotten his pass word. Every night for a couple of hours he's online, and every morning I see that all he does is view porn. He has not had anything to do with me for over 4 months. But I do see the evidence of him M when he's watching the porn!

Does he really think I'm that stupid? I know that he has picked porn over me, and I'm to the point that if thats what he wants then he can have it. I have more important things in my life to do then deal with a person that can't think any further then a computer screen.

I just wish I could read his mind and know what he's thinking!!!

[lovesherman]

I am so sorry Apache Dove, it is amazing to me how blind this crap makes people. It absolutely engulfs them and they don't really care about anything but it. Hence why its called an addiction. Hopefully he will, like mine, wake up one day before its too late. I'm sorry about your aunt and I hope you will recieve some comfort and love from others around you even if your boyfriend isn't emotionally available for you.
Charly, I have to tell you how much I loved your letter. You are a wise lady.. God Bless you. You are absolutely right in so many things you said... and yes, it needs to be about me. I do need to concentrate on me more, and stop concentrating on his "computer problem." The problem I have is this relationship defines a huge part of me and who I am. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and have for 30 years. That will never change... regardless if I choose to walk away from this eventually or not.
But it had changed me in other ways. I feel helpless and desperate, even humiliated at times. I often feel out of touch, confused, hurt, ignored, sad, angry ...and sometimes ambivelent. Sadly, I'm beginning to like those times, .....when I just don't even give a sh*t anymore. However, its the times when it is wonderful.. and often it still is.. that keeps me here. I know this man loves me more than he has ever loved anyone too. If I left him over this, it would devastate him. However, it would devastate me even more. He can make me feel pure elation and feel as low as I've ever felt in my life.
I used to be a fairly confident, happy, girl who always wanted to have fun, do things and enjoy life as much as possible. Not so much now. I began smoking again after quitting for a few years. I'm beginning to drink more wine after work now than I used to, because it helps ease the pain of knowing when I go home, he probably will have been on looking. His addiction has become my obsession. And, yes. I have to stop and start thinking about me again. But I can't think about me and not think about him..because he is such a big part of me. This is a mess andI just don't know how to proceed. Thanks for listening.

[Charly22]

I think you'd feel a bit of a change if you would research a couple of books by Patrick Carnes, and read what he has to say about porn and sex addiction. It will open your eyes to some things that I am sure don't enter your mind right now. You are internalizing it. You can continue to love him. You can continue to be there for him. Equip yourself. Learn that this is NOT about YOU. Write your feelings out. Here, or on paper, a letter to give him, or just to burn when your done. Don't keep it inside. Please, please don't keep it inside.

Whatever you do....don't stand still in the same spot you are in now. Take a step toward healing, even if it is just for YOU.