Will this pain ever go away?

[lovesherman]

I just want to thank all of you for your letters and insights. Each of you help me keep my sanity every time I come on this site. I read your emails and with every single one, there are so many common threads in all of our relationships. This website is amazing and I am so grateful for it. I read how all of us struggle with this beast, either the PA or the SO, and it is a horrible battle. God bless all of us. Today is a bad day for me and I am just so sad that this has happened in my lfe... in anyone's life. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I wrote my PA a huge letter and gave it to him last week. I basically outed him, since I had told him previously I suspected he was looking at porn and it was a problem. He acknowledged it, admitted it, but said nothing. This time I wrote him a 3 pg letter, telling him that I loved him and how I began to suspect porn was a problem. I told him I did lots of research before confronting him. I explained how porn is a huge epidemic and millions of people's lives are being affected, that it is one of the biggest reasons of failed marriages and relationships. How highly addictive it is and what actually happens in the brain with the Dopamine and other chemicals that spike which creates the sexual rush combined with masturbation. I explained in depth how it actually changes the brain chemistry and rewires the brain, and how because of this, real partners just can't do it for you anymore. I told him this is what I thought was going on and as with anything, no one plans getting addicted to something it just happens. I know it wasnt intentional. I explained about giving it up, and how hard it is (he had told me he would never look at it again the week before... he has no idea how hard its going to be), that it will take time and alot of work. I told him he needed to ask himself if our relationship is worth it. That there was only room in our bed for he and I, and there have been far too many women in there with us lately. I told him I will not share him with anything or anyone, and I can't live like this. I explained it was like cheating on me, and ultimately I get cheated out of the passion and love which I also deserve. That the thought of him choosing to masturbating alone to a computer rather than being with me was just devastating. I told him about this website. I told him if he has porn on his computer, (which I know he does), he needs to get rid of it for temptation's sake. That I don't want our love to be sleazy and dirty, that we have both earned the right for real passion, affection and love. That I would wait for him, I will be here, and I will love him with all of my heart. He has never said a word to me. I'm not even sure if he read the letter. I assmue he did. I found it thrown in the barrel. It has been 6 days. He has been busying himself at night cleaning the basement, going out, meetings for work instead of going on the computer. (I work nights) I don't know if he has gone on, but I cant police him. He has been attentive and wonderful, but not sexual at all... though we did have sex on Sat. I'm sure it was out of obligation and guilt because of the letter. I just don't know what to do or how to proceed forward. He isn't really educated in this, and I don't even know if he thinks he has a problem since he says nothing. Last night I just wanted to love him. I must be in denial too. He didn't even have to reciprocate, I just wanted his arms around me, I just wanted him to kiss me. The whole reason I ever went snooping in the first place months ago was because he was so distant, so uninterested in sex anymore. He just folded his arms as usual and went to sleep. I was so frustrated, I got up, drank a ton of wine until I was so tired I couldn't do anything else but pass out, and then I slept on the couch. (Boy that was smart..that'll teach him... what a jerk I am!) He asked why I was out on the couch when he got up. I told him it was because I didn't like him right now. He then said your mad at me for sleeping? I said no.. I just didn't want you to see me crying. He left. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I am so sad and I am so tired. I want love. I do deserve it, but then again so does he. Anyway, thanks for letting me spill. It felt really good to actually talk about it.

[Charly22]

Its only natural that you want his love, I don't think that has anything to do with being in denial. I've been dealing with this problem for a long long time, I've been trying to make him see what it's doing to us. On one hand, thank God that I was deligent enough to keep pounding away and not walk out, and thank God that our love has been strong enough to withstand the "pounding". If that will be the case in your relationship, if your love is strong enough, the consequences will finally smack him in the face. Because, it does affect us, it does make us feel like we are sharing them with all these other women, and what do you think that's gonna to our own sexuality, it suffers. I sure hope he has read your letter. I hope that you stay strong with a soft heart. I know there is a lot of shame, they don't want to admit, I hope your SO will one day open up. I think that is where you are right now....he needs to open up and have honest, real conversations with you about it, that's tough I believe, but once that happens...alot will be in place for healing. I don't know why I feel the need to respond, only cause I've been going through it, feel the need to make sure you know there is hope....thanks for sharing, sure does help us feel a bit stronger in it all, ya know.

[lovesherman]

Thanks Charly, I appreciate your words because I know you are dealing with this awful addiction with your SO. It does help to have people like you here, because frankly, there are not many people I can talk about this to. People who don't know about this, don't understand. I will try to keep my heart in the right place. I just feel so lonely and sad all the time. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the physicalness. I miss love, tenderness and caring. I wonder if I'll ever have it again. I just hope someday, someone will find out how to beat this. Thanks again Charly. Good luck to you and God bless.