*blah* I was happy to soon

[Glass_of_water]

I thought things were going brilliantly.

Now I am sitting here after having looked at 100s of new images on my husbands computer and I am back where I started.

I don't know what to do :(

I have had it.... I am done this time... :(

He has admitted this is not the first slip up since the last time, he has just been lying to my face when I had asked earlier.

I feel so stupid... :(

[FoolishMind]

Hey Glass, Im really sorry to hear about your findings. You have a lot of thinking to do right now, But you should think on your own for alittle bit, and detach yourself from anger (easier said than done) But yo umust make a concious effort to work out what you want to do, and what is the best interest for YOU. You need to weigh the x amount of times you have been lied to, and weigh up the x amount of times your husband has made you feel like the best thing ever to him. Balance the good and the bad, and then you need to be clear with yourself the path that your going to choose primarily for the reason that YOU BELEIVE that YOU DESERVE better. But you have to beleive that and only you can make these choices. It is best to ask for a few days out so you can think more rationally.

Once again im truly sorry as you must feel awful. But most definatley you should not feel stupid. It is your husband that should be feeling very stupid right now, and im sure he is having a huge argument with himself in his head. Your husband needs help, no matter what anyone says, through TTF, you can see it for yourself, you know the ones that are dedicated and are being true to themselves and want to change their life. Your husband needs help, and one needs some sort of resource and community to gain that knowledge to help himself.

I can go on for pages, so I will end it here, and I will log on later this evening and tomorrow to check back for you.

My thoughts are with you, I will also ask Inshi to try and log in later.

FM

[Glass_of_water]

Thank you Foolish Mind.

I am trying to convince my husband to see someone to talk to as he has stopped using this site. He believed he didn't need it anymore.

I can't be with him if he is not going to take steps to work through this, as we know ignoring it does not make it go away. And taking away his access to P doesn't stop him being a P addict, nor does it take away his desire to access it using different means.

You are right, I need to make decisions when i am not hurting so badly.

Thank you again, you have been a brilliant support... Ironic that someone who suffers the same addiction as my husband can provide me so much support.

[livada]

Hello Glass of Water.

I'm extremely, extremely sorry to hear that.:-<

More so, 'cause I myself was doing the same thing to my wife, until I got caught almost two months ago - it was truly do-it-or-die situation. Ever since I've been clean, thank God. However, one ought not to deceive one self, for this is but a beginning of a long, arduous journey where celebrating too early might bring about a downfall.

I've taken some measures though, that I would recommend your husband to take:

- TTF is golden, golden! Without it, my mental awareness would be far less. Especially reading the journals of SOs - so much pain and anger cannot but warm and shame the darkest of hearts. Let him lead his journal as well; this helps.

- Regular counseling. This is also a must - I ignored this possibility before. Helps in journeying to one's self, without which no viable solution can be achieved.

- Engaged, creative spirituality. We're but weak, wretched souls and without guidance we're bound to fall. Prayer helps!

- Boredom is greatest of all triggers. Let him be kept busy all the time - spending time with family, jogging, reading, playing chess, work-out...whatever to keep away from the trigger of boredom.

Finally, kindly let him know (as my SO did to me, and I thank her for that), that you chose to be worthy and that he needs to rethink himself for himself, for you would not accept living with a man who is not able to care for himself.

For me, this was painful, but eye-opening as well. Being a man in confronting illicit thoughts and pushes can be very hard; but the taste of victory over your lower self is sumptuous.

Again, as FM said, it is up to you to decide further steps.

Lots of love and prayers.

:)

[Glass_of_water]

- TTF is golden, golden! Without it, my mental awareness would be far less. Especially reading the journals of SOs - so much pain and anger cannot but warm and shame the darkest of hearts. Let him lead his journal as well; this helps.

- Regular counseling. This is also a must - I ignored this possibility before. Helps in journeying to one's self, without which no viable solution can be achieved.

- Engaged, creative spirituality. We're but weak, wretched souls and without guidance we're bound to fall. Prayer helps!

- Boredom is greatest of all triggers. Let him be kept busy all the time - spending time with family, jogging, reading, playing chess, work-out...whatever to keep away from the trigger of boredom.

Thank you livada, I agree with your list.

My husband was a member ot TTF but now only pops in to see what I have written, he doesn't participate or share anymore, he no longer reads the journals of SOs or read techniques that PAs have in place to help them through this.

Everytime I bring up counseling he says the same thing 'I don't know how to find one' and that is the end of that (so far no attempts to find one, even with a google search have been found).

Actually... he is trying nothing... :(

which tells me everything I guess I need.... sadly... everything =((

[Walkman]

Hi Glass_of_water -

I am a man and foolish in my own way but, in my opinion, you've received excellent advice from both FoolishMind and livada.

I agree with them that - above all - you need to think about yourself first. As your problem involves your husband, your child and your new baby, whatever decision you now make may affect the rest of your life. So, be careful.

It must be terribly disappointing to have your husband repeatedly lie about what he's doing. That must hurt a lot and I can well understand why you have been very angry.

Unfortunately, men are biologically programmed very differently from women and they are powerfully inclined to unintentionally do things women don't like. The last thing a man wants to do is to admit that he's weak, that he can't control himself.

Excepting his PA and repeated lying about it, I gather from your emails that your husband has otherwise attempted to please you. At least it seems he's tried. And how does he feel about your new baby? Is he looking forward to it and wanting to be a good father? These may be things to consider.

I do not know if you would be willing, but perhaps you could sit down with your husband before the baby arrives, and talk this thing out -- perhaps come to some type of understanding or an accomodation you both would be comfortable with and able to live with.

Best wishes,
Walkman

[mattman]

Hello all,
I am the other side of this story (for those who didn't know already).

Today we were looking for services which may help, but nothing cropped up as really suitable... ie... counselling services do not advertise they help with PA etc. it just doesn't look good for them :P

GoW did find a mens help line... like a counselling style one. After a while I built up the guts to call and we were able to work out some short term stuff (like when going online, write a list of which sites you are going to visit, and make sure you don't deviate) and also work out what "type" of counsellor would be best for me to visit. For me personally that is a forensic psychologist, because i do beleive my PA is based on something a little deeper and is somewhat of a self destructive act...

Anyway, just a little progress update...