In Need of Advice

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Just wanted to run something by everyone. I was confronted by my boyfriend with a question I had not thought about. He wanted to know if it was alright to MB without P. I have been looking around the PA forums and here and I have seen many different responses. So PAs and SOs please feel free to respond to this post.

Is MB by itself harmful if both partners in the relationship feel its ok? Why or why not? I have very mixed feelings on this matter. In one instance I feel its a form of foreplay and something we can talk about before we get intimate. On the other hand I wonder if it is more of a temptation with his P addiction. So....responses please!! :-)

[dray]

In our case, MB was not OK, because it always was used in combination with P and/or fantasies of someone else. The 12-step program we both attend suggested abstinence from MB/porn and from each other. We did that and finally had "normal" sex for the first time after 1 1/2 months abstinence from everything. The program says a "drying out" period is necessary, to get rid of the fantasy world and kind of "retrain" the mind/body into a new way of thinking about sex. I don't know if this is true for everyone but it certainly worked for us...we now have a happy intimate relationship, which is kind of a miracle considering our past experiences!
Good luck and hope this was helpful.

[Glass_of_water]

It is a really hard question.

I don't know the answer myself (as a SO) but my husband does not MB anymore as he is worried that it might lead him back to P.

Our intimate relationship before stopping the P featured MB quite predominantly as he was unable to finish in a normal manner because he had used P frequently for some time. So him quitting both P and MB has helped us have an intimate relationship resembling something akin to normal.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Thanks for your responses. Thus far I think I concluded that it really is a subjective answer. For my partner and I, not having sex is not an option - maybe that is a whole other problem in and of itself...Despite his P addiction we have been able to have a very satisfying sexual relaionship. MB has never dominated it. I guess I can count myself lucky in that P has not meddled too much in our sexual life with the exception of the psychological aspect.

I suppose I'm going out on a limb here trusting him to only imagine us while MB without the P. Maybe its something I should let happen and see what comes of it? So far my feelings are that I believe that it is OK at this point.

[brokensoul]

as i see it the partners have to deal with this
when i started my recover my so and i did talk about the mb issue
yes or no
well i do it sometimes but when i don't need or think about P
i think about my so
i wish that i didn't have to mb
but i need to sometimes i would lose it
the times i need to are getting shorter
but mb as been a part of my so's and my interaction for a long time~X(