Learning to change the things I can...namely me

[dray]

When we SOs first discover we are in a relationship with a PA, it's devastating. Personally I experienced fear, anxiety, grief, rage, a total lack of energy and motivation, a complete loss of self-esteem, heart-breaking pain and a profound sadness. I had suicidal thoughts too...over his behavior.

We should always remember: We didn't cause the PA and we sure can't "cure" it. Believe me, I tried everything I could think of, and none of it worked. Now, instead of trying to change the PA, I'm working on changing myself. As I do that, he changes too. Today, he actually asks me about my feelings, especially if I'm quiet. I give him honest answers, then we talk...no yelling, no walking out, just real communication. Wow. What a change!

Finally, our relationship is starting to heal, thanks to SA and S-Anon. These 12-step programs have helped us both to change in incredible ways...I have hope for our future now. Our relationship is closer than it's ever been, with more acceptance, respect and honesty than I've ever seen in our whole time together. We've come a long way and I'm grateful.

Here are a few things I learned at S-Anon...I hope they'll help someone else.

1) I can't control or change anybody but me.
2) I am willing to change myself to achieve peace of mind.
3) I always have choices. It's up to me to take care of myself.
4) I accepted that PA is an addiction, not a choice.
5) I became willing to talk about my feelings in a very honest way.
6) I no longer accept unacceptable behavior.
7) I can set limits.
8) I say what I mean and mean what I say.
9) I remember I'm not alone.
10) I keep an open mind.
11) I stay in the present, not in the past or future.

It turns out that most of the S-Anons and SAs were abused as children; it may explain our attraction to each other. That's true (for my partner and me) and finally, after all these years, I'm learning to relate to a man in a whole new way. I realize that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, when I kind of always thought it was. I think that feeling came right from my childhood experiences; his experiences were very similar. Maybe we're not so different after all, we've just expressed our pain in very different ways.

[timetoheal]

I am working on myself. I am seeing a therapist to deal with my husband's porn addiction as he doesn't want to go to counseling for it, and I also discuss my compulsive overeating with her. I'm obese and recently started NutriSystem. I'm trying hard to get mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally healthy and not obsess over what my husband is or isn't doing. He's in bondage to the porn--not me! My bondage is food and hubby can already tell I am losing weight which makes me seem more desirable to him. I have a lot of weight to lose but I'm trying to show him by example about being disciplined to make a commitment and stick to it. Granted I know abstaining from porn is tough, but I have to eat to live and I miss my junk food but I don't miss those extra pounds of fat on my body one bit.

[dray]

Interesting. I've heard that Overeaters Anonymous and SA have similarities: we must eat, but need to learn to eat in a healthy way. Most of us would like to have sex, but need to learn to do it in a healthy way. In other words, our consumption needs to be healthy but perhaps limited. I'm glad you're working on yourself, you need to do that whether your PA seeks help or not, for you. However, I am a size 3 (in great shape) and I can tell you that your weight or looks are absolutely not a factor in this addiction. Women of all ages, sizes, etc. attend the meetings I go to and some of them are very beautiful physically (and emotionally and spiritually). It just doesn't matter. This disease affects many women, no matter what they look like. I hope you will urge your partner to seek help and continue to help yourself. Good luck and I wish the best for you.

[flame2amoth]

Hey Dray...good to see you!
Think I will copy that list and your post...excellent stuff! Really helped, but whew takes practice...staying in the moment...
Hope all is well with you and yours,
Marti

[TheX]

Hi there I found your post very interesting. It made me realise it is important to think more about yourself and not your partner's problem. My problem however is about my kids. I can't just walk away from my partner's problem and I'm scared to death it will impact on my kids. Any suggestions?