A ? for PA's? - How to Deal with Sexual disfunction

[drcw]

Today I write to request the wisdom of my peers on the deeply personal issue of disfunction and the resulting problems with a having healthy sexual relationship with a PA. My husband is a PA and we have problems with sex. We have now been married for one year, but this problem was evident 2 years ago (but I did not know about the PA then). He is only 35 years old. I have now learned that he was satisfying himself with his PA and this was his primary means of satisfaction for 6 years in his previous marriage. I was obvioulsy immediately aware that he had a hard time maintaining an erection, despite my attempts, and now know the reason for this is his PA. I also know that during our first year together he did not rely on or use his P addiciton for over 8 months and during those 8 month we used herbal and prescription supplements to help with his erectile dysfuction with success. However, 6 months ago he went back down the slippery slope and got engagled in his addiction again. He has only recently admitted all of this to me and has now quit. Because I am the type to tackle one problem at a time today I am searching for advice on how to help him through his problems. (I had my breakdown last week about the PA in general.) I know his problems comes from satisfying himself for so many years. My logical mind hopes with love and devotion we can find a way for his body and mind to learn that true love brings true sexual fulfullment. My question is - is that realistic? Has it every happened to any of you PA's? Were you ever able to get beyond your addiction and find fulfillment with a partner again?
Right now we are in the pattern of his getting excited, but then he gets in his own way, is afraid he is going to disappoint me (or hurt my feelings because I always took it personal, not knowing until recently that this was caused by his body being used to PA). That knowledge, of course, does not make me feel any better when it happens, but I am trying to be supportive. Right now I feel that it is better for him to try to be intimate with me (because I very much enjoy being intimate with my husband and our connection, when good, is the best I have ever had, both for physical and connection reasons - he is the love of my life - I WANT to be intimate with him). You can't success if you don't try. Or so I have been taught, but does that apply here. I have read that some people are doing "detox" and no sex, but I honestly do not want to go that route if we can avoid it. I am a passionate woman and I want to express those passions with my husband.
Again, I feel I write so much to explain in order to ask a simple question. What is the best way for me to help him get beyond the disfunction problems and will they ever go away? If there is any PA out there willing to share his story with me and his struggles I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you.

[dray]

I feel your pain and experienced much of the same with my partner. I'm so sorry you're going through this...in my case, I completely lost my self-esteem and felt very unattractive, unloved and unwanted. I still am fighting those feelings, with the help of S-Anon.

What worked for us: One and a half months of total abstinence from both P and sex with each other, as recommended by the 12-step program we both attend. We both have sponsors and go to meetings for SA individually and as a couple.

I wasn't sure if this would work either (we never had "successful" sex with each other before now) but it did work. He explained it this way: "After I stopped MB to P, my fantasies gradually faded out and I was able to look at you in a whole new way."

Wow. I can hardly believe it, but it's true! We have had only 2 happy encounters, but I feel that as long as he continues to do what he's doing now we'll continue to have a healthy sex life. Finally.

We've been attending meetings for only 2 months and the difference in our communication and way of interacting in all areas of life is incredibly different. I almost left in dismay many times but now I'm so glad I stayed.

So hang in there, don't give up and I strongly suggest you find a program for PAs and their partners in your area. I think it's just about impossible to "go it alone" on this issue. We tried everything and nothing worked until this.

Good luck to you and your partner, I hope for the best for you.