In need for desperate help! PLEASE

[Sarahrose51892]

Like everyone here, obviously we are going through simular, if not the same thing and feelings. I may only be 16 and my struggling boyfriend who is 17, almost 18; which we have been together for 8 months. I despretely need some help with what I should do. Hes told me he thinks about it in a regreting way and I tell him, in a weird way, that is very good and a step closer to him changing out of it. I know hes not the kind of guy who wants or needs it like he use to think he was, which finally he has said he knows he isnt either. I just want to know what to do so that temptation never comes to him. He said it does when we fight...what should I do. Sometimes, im not going to lie, I dont really want to be compassionate and hold him. Seriously, who else sometimes just wants to beat it out of their brain and ask them what the heck they are thinking but I know for him to get over it and everything is to do the best I can and support him through his struggle. PLEASE, someone help![-O<
-Sarah

[AirKeep]

Sarah, sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm glad you, and your bf recognize at the age you are, that this is a problem. As you might have read in others posts, sometimes it's not recognized till years later, and it is much harder to change.

Him admitting it, is a big step. I guess the next question, or questions, might be why does he regret it? Because you don't like it, because what it does to the relationship, because what it does to him? If it's for you, great, but it has to be for him. Again, back to so many others posts, partners have heard to many times "I'm sorry", "I'll never do it again", to actually have that never happen. Everyone that is serious about change, you'll find somewhere in their journal/journey, they have to come to the realization, that it is for them, not anyone else. You might want to find out why he wants to change, and then go from there.

Fact is, you and he can't ever stop temptation from never coming to him. As long as he's breathing, there can and will be temptation. (no, don't go out and do something horrible to change the breathing thing). As you mention, he does it when you fight. As you may already know, it's not so much as sx, as other emotional issues. Fights, are emotional. In order to deal with those emotions, P has become an outlet. Other emotions may trigger it as well. Learning to identify what the emotions are, what his current outlet for those are, and how to find other outlets are key. I'd advise you to check out some of the articles for more information as well.

You've talked about it, and that is great. What you can do, is just that. Talk about it, be honest, be open. Keep your boundaries, provide encouragement when and where you can. No one can blame you for not wanting to be compassionate, you have a number of emotions going on, and a lot of them are probably far from wanting to help him. At the same time, you mention you want to support him.

You can be compassionate, but at the same time, can maintain your grounds, beliefs, and stance. He has to take care of himself, and you have to take care of yourself. Either of you forfeiting who you really are and what you really want, only shorts both of you.

Some steps might be to lay out some plans on what to do, how to talk about it, identify triggers, be honest (even when mistakes are made). Look at what is currently not working, and put together stuff that is. If you fight, and he goes to the computer, change the routine. Fight, and then go for a walk, journal, run, something else.

Just some thoughts. Best of luck, and there are many people here to support you, and him.

[Sarahrose51892]

Thank you so much with everything you have said, he has been away from it for about 3 months or less but sometimes when we fight he gets to the point where hes one click away from looking at it (like a few days ago) He still gets tempted and thinks about it sometimes. He says he thinks about it as in regret but then he confuses me by saying its a piece of "trash" and that he hates it. Also that he wishes he could write every P chick out there and tell them how much he really does hate it; but at the same time he says he gets tempted and has thoughts about it. If it really was a piece of "trash" to him and he hated it, he wouldnt get tempted to it or think about it in any way like that, right?

[AirKeep]

He may actually think it is 'trash' and hate it, he may not, I can't say. Even if he does think it is 'trash', there is still 'something' that he gets out of it, and that is why one does it, it does something for you.

The 'what it does for him', or 'what he gets out of it', he has to explore, and what it is that makes him turn to the trash, to get that, instead of turning to something else. Every PA on here, will tell you they hate it, but for how many years and how many times have they turned to it? An expanded thought in my journal, talks about turning to behaviours because there is still something you get you need to hold onto, and you're either not willing to let it go yet, or find another way to resolve it.

In this instance, P gets him something after a fight and dealing with emotions (stress relief, anger, something). Instead of turning to communication, vulnerability, working through and identifying emotions, P has become the choice to handle it.

Just some thoughts.