New to TRR - strength appreciated

[drcw]

Hi. I am new to TFF and have decided to join this site after only a week of knowing about about my husband's problems. As with everyone here my pain is deep and I am in need of friends to talk to. I am sure my story is like many of yours. I found out after seeing autofills ins pop up on my husband's computer. The history showed my husband had looked up adult movies. We have only been married a year but our relationship goes back over a decade. He is truly my best friend and I feel so betrayed. I was not looking, but I admit I have looked before because I have trust issues in my life as a whole and with him specifically. When I asked my husband about it, thinking he would say, "oh, I was bored, it was no big deal," he actually said "I have a problem and it has been going on for 6 months." This time. He admited the this time part. I was so completely shocked. My mind immediately went back in time through the last 6 months. All of the lies. I had seen him clear his computer history and he always said "it makes it run better." I know better now. He had forgotten to erase the evidence.
Like every story and every wound this one goes deeper than can be explained in a "Hi, I'm New" message. If this was new to me I would be less shocked, but so much makes sense now. My husband has had dyfunction problems for the entire 2 years we have been together. We discussed those problems openly (or I guess only half openly since he was ashamed he knew the real reason and hoped it would go away with his love for me and I have tried and tried to be understanding. Not take it personally (which I have struggled with). He even went to a doctor to get Cialis to help. Now that I know want he actually "needed" how do I reconcile the 2 years I thought I understood him/us? And how in the world do I find the strength to trust him.
My husband has fully admitted to this problem now. In the last week he has contact a friend/church elder (we don't go to church, but he does come from a strong church faith), we did go to church on Sunday (which was very hard because I had so wished if we were to go it would be for the right reason, not PA) and he called and told his mother. He found an accountability software and installed it and we have now put filters on the two home laptop computers.
We spent 3 days at home together crying and trying to get through the pain. I can't take the lies. They are eating me up inside. For the last 3 nights I have not slept, my heart beats too hard, and my mind keeps going back to lies and my foolishness. I know my husband is so sorry and wants to prove himself. He says he hates himself for what he was doing. I love him and want to support him, but keeping this to myself is tearing me apart. Like others I do not want to talk to my family because I do not want them to think less of my husband. I am trying to forgive him because I love him. They will want to protect me. Which might feel good today, but what about next month? And next month, if he fails? From what I read failure (or relapse or whatever you want to call it) happens a lot. At this moment, I can't bear that thought.
I want reassurances I am not a fool. But I know no one can give that to me but me. My husband is a good man, but a man with a serious flaw that goes back to his college days that is ruining our marriage, or ruining me.
I suppose I should journal. My thoughts go on and on and I suppose this is meant to be a chat or thread. I apologize to you all for this initial posting.
If someone feels the need to reach out I would love a hand to hold through this. Thank you.

[dray]

Hello and welcome to TTF. I've had all the feelings you're having; I understand completely what you're going through and how absolutely devastating this disease is to the SO.

It will get better and easier with time, as long as you are both working on it. Have you checked out 12-step programs or couples/individual therapy for PA?

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

[AirKeep]

drcw,

As with others, I am sorry. For you, and your husband. As for the end of your post, don't feel sorry about rambling, or if this should be a chat or whatever. It is whatever you make it, and whatever you feel you need to post (if you look at mine, it's a lot of anger about a divorce (my fault, PA)), and P, but it's what I need to express and need to get out). This is your place, and your journey.

I'm sure the hand you'd hope to reach out to, would be your husbands, and at the same time have so many other emotions. All of which are real, and all of which have to be taken into account. A lot of SO's mention this as a rollercoaster, up, and then down. You will probably have very hurtful and angry moments, your husband probably will too.

I'm sure he feels bad. He doesnt' sound like one that's blaming you, makes excuses for it, and isn't owning up to it. It's not about you, but that doesn't make it easier, doesn't make it not hurt, and doesn't diminish that it is wrong. It can be overcome, and all of the things you both are feeling, can be worked on. It will take time, it will take effort, it will take understanding. Especially on his part, as to what it really has done to him, and you.

Honest, open communication and a plan, seems to work well for others. Whatever journey you and your husband need to go on, is of course up to you. Everyone's situations, although similar, are also unique.

Unfortunately, you have now joined a club you never wanted to. You, and your husband, are not alone in this. Believe that you have the strength even inspite of the tough moments, to be a better person than the ugliness that is P.

I wish the best for both you and your husband in this.

[Dominus]

The fact that he told you says a lot about the kind of man that he is, most men wouldnt admit to it. I know we shouldnt make excuses but its a tough cookie to crack. He needs your help to beat this. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Feel free to post your feelings anytime.

[BRM]

I really can't offer a lot of advice I guess as I am brand new here too. My SO and I have be struggling through this battle for about 1.5 years now. We have come a long way I think from where we started. Though sometimes I don't know if that is just because of the filter/accountability program on the computer, or actual progress. We are a lot more open in talking about it though, and I feel that really is very important. It helps me understand it a little bit better, and take it a little bit less personal.
I guess I just want to reach out because I know how hard it is to feel alone in this, and to let you know that I understand what your going through if you ever want to talk.

[drcw]

Thank you to those that have responded to my first posting last week. It has made this last week so much easier just knowing there are people I can vent to or communicate with who know what I am going through.
The last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. At moments my husband and I are close and almost "normal" and then a single word is said, or something comes on TV, and I am slammed back into the reality of the situation. I do consider myself blessed. So many of you are going through such a harder situation. I do not know how I would bear the pain of my husband denying the problem. My husband is now at day 12 and he is strong and doing well. I do not know if this is from the accountability, limited computer access, or simply the veil of secrecy being pierced, but he does seem to be doing well.

From what we have found online together he has done every step to help get this addiction out of our lives. We have accountability software installed with me and a church friend on his accountability list. I will admit at first. I did not want the accountability software. I was afraid of the emails I would receive if he looked at sites. But I understand PA's need accountability and if I can't handle that part I am not equipped to handle helping him through this. I guess my word of advise to others who are scared is that if they are willing to install the accountability software in order to be honest with you, then you have to be willing to support them and be their accountabilty partner. It does give me piece of mind though. There will never again be lies between us on this issue. We have software on the computers that will not allow him to certain websites (actually he can now only go on White List sites). I admit, this part hurt initially too, because I had hoped it would not come to some type of "parental control" but he does not want to slip and asked for my help, so I am giving it to him to the best of my abilities. He has told his mother, his most respected friend, so he is being accountable.
The pain I am in is certainly causing him pain. I admit I am scared of what will happen when my pain eases and he no longer has the reminder of the pain and only himself to keep himself strong. But for today I will take it one day at a time.
Today is my day to try to re-focus on my life. I will try today to do my job with all of my effort and not worry about what he is doing at home. (I have not been able to focus at work since this started, but today I will.)
I received a few very helpful links from other members that I am definately going to become part of as those specific areas are having covered in other threads. (How to deal with the sex problems we experienced before I knew of the problem and are still dealing with.)
I truly thank you all for caring and being there to reach out to strangers to help them through. This website is a life saver. I do not know what I would have done with the help of every person (both SO and PA) on this website!