New to Forum, in need of support

[BRM]

Hi, I'm new to this forum, but not to this problem. My bf and I have been struggling together with his pa for about a year now. He has been doing much much better. But I'm not sure if that is only because of a loss of opportunity because we have installed an accountability/filter program on the computer and gotten rid of several movies he thought may be a problem in the house. When we watch movies we almost always check the rating and why it's rated that way and stay away from any that list nudity or sexual content. I ask him how he is doing every now and then and his usual answer is no problems to report. It's been maybe about 6 months since the last time I caught him with p on his computer. It's been a little while since he has said he had a problem come up that he had a hard time getting something out of his head or off his mind. A couple nights ago we rented a movie and I wasn't thinking about it much because I had watched it a long time ago, but it was one of those funny college movies, so there ended up being a lot of triggers in it. By the end of the movie I felt really bad because I'm sick of seeing this stuff in movies and it is also a trigger to me for all of the things I have seen on his computer that he forgot to delete and all of that pain. Well, the next day I left for work and forgot to grab the movie. I came back within a few minutes because I forgot something and he was standing at the tv putting a DVD in. It was just one of our shows though, nothing bad. Did seem weird that he was putting it in though since it was already in before I left. Things just didn't seem right. Then I remembered the movie from the night before and went to grab it. The case was empty and the DVD was laying out on top of some other things in a cubby on top of the dvd player. I asked if he was going to watch it and why. He said yes and for no good reason. It broke my heart to know that he would have gone through with it if I had not come home. Then he pulled away from me in embarrassment and shame, and wouldn't talk to me all night. He finally hugged me when we got home from work and told me how sorry he was and he wishes that this wasn't a part of him. He had written me a letter on the computer about how he feels like a failure. I just am still having a hard time. He said that he thinks if for a week or two at the max I could be really aggressive in asking him several times a day about how he is doing and if he's having any trouble focusing and if anything has caused any problems, and if he can in turn be brutally honest with me, that it would help out a lot. He said that thinking of me and picturing me and hearing my voice will usually bring him out of the "zone" he gets in, but sometimes it feels so cloudy he can't think of anything else. He did say he is getting better in the sense that he used to seek out things to stimulate him, but now he has a new battle to fight. He said that now the problem is if something unexpectedly comes into his sight, it can cause a chain reaction or just stay on his mind and be hard to fight. I'm not sure yet I can handle him telling me all the things that may cause him a problem without taking it personal and hurting me. I don't know what to do.

[CaveInimicum]

Dear BRM,

First of all, please let me offer you a warm hug >:D<

Welcome to TTF, I hope you'll find your stay here greatly helpful.
I personally do....

I'm married to a PA who's addicted for more than 8 years...
I can relate to what you have mentioned here...

I'm not sure yet I can handle him telling me all the things that may cause him a problem without taking it personal and hurting me. I don't know what to do.

Yes, I know the feeling..

Would it be possible to introduce this forum to your BF?
Many who come here are or were porn addicts, it would be really helpful to be able to share feelings, fears, triggers, and how to overcome them with those who actually face the same things!

He will be able to record his own progress-to-victory, as well as learn from the fights of others.

"Wise people learn from their mistakes, but even wiser people learn from others"

And you too, can do the same!
Feel free to start a journal in the Journals for SO section :)

Please stay strong,
and know that you're not and never alone!

*hugs*

[BRM]

Thank you so much for your reply. I just feel so alone in all of this because I have to be strong for him so he can feel like he can come to me if he has a problem, and it's just not something I can bring up to anyone else I know without fearing them looking down on him.
I will tell him about this site and recommend him getting on and posting. I know that he is ashamed of his problem and afraid to talk to anyone about it. Before we were together he had reached out to a few people and everyone just basically turned away from him. So I know it will be hard to get him to actually start a profile and start typing, but I know once he did it would help out so much.
I'm sorry my last two posts have been pretty long. I just feel so lost on this whole situation. We are perfectly happy and get along great except for this one problem. It just hurts me so much to think of it. I hope that I can find a way through all of this and that he will too.
Thank you so much again for reading through my post and replying. It means so much to know that I'm not completely alone.

[Rowlf]

Hi BRM,

It's good to have you on the site. As a PA I'm always slightly more reluctant to post to SO's, but the SO's on the site are slightly dormant this week.

I'd very much encourage your bf to check out the site. TTF was the first place that I ever 'spoke' to anyone about my problem and admitted the depth of the problem as a real addiction that I was powerless over. Pure willpower had not worked and I've needed the on-going support and accountability of the community to make a difference. And together with most PA's here I've had periods of relapse. But, after 4 months on the site, I feel in a quite different place.

I hope you get the support you need for yourself. It will be your BF's choice whether he changes. You need to make decisions for yourself, not dependant on his choices.

Check out the stickies and the Partners forum and good luck with the journey.

[BRM]

Thank you so much for responding. He is due home in a couple hours and I plan on talking to him when he gets here about getting online and reading through some of the posts at least. Maybe if he could just see that he isn't all alone and there are other people out there fighting this he would feel a little more hope and strength to fight it and the courage to actually reach out again.

[CaveInimicum]

Dear BRM,

How is it going?

I hope you are all right...

Please know that should you need us we are here for you, and that you are in our thoughts...

Please stay strong, we are all together in this! >:D<

[BRM]

Just wanted to update a little bit. I think I may be doing a little bit better at not taking the PA so personal, and as if I am not good enough. Since the last time I wrote, things seemed to be going fine. As far as I know, the problems are much farther spread out than they used to be. Then, last night he went to class, and sometimes during class they go to a computer lab and work. Well, class was really boring yesterday and they were in the computer lab. He said he was looking through a site that we had recently found that you can watch television programs on. He was seeing what t.v. it had to offer, then one click led to another and he was at popular movie clips. Well, he clicked on one and it said he needed to make a profile because it was mature content. Well, he made a profile with a name I would never guess, using an email address he doesn't check very often. Then he watched a video clip that he says only had a brief flash of nudity. Then he clicked another one, and says he turned it off right before it got to the bad part he knew was coming up. Then he said he walked away from the computer, and went to the bathroom. He considered m but then stopped himself.

It always breaks my heart to hear that he has had another problem and that he has had to fight off thinking of another woman in that way, but I am glad he came to me. And I am so thankful that he stopped himself. That shows a lot of new self control that he is developing so I am very proud of him for that. He also said that he deleted the account, and he told me I could try the login and try putting his email addresses in the forgot password thing to see if there was an account linked to any of his email. None were, but of course I think if he decided to make a profile with a name I would never guess, why wouldn't he make a email I don't know about. But, the way it usually works with him is something he wasn't expecting to see triggers the thoughts, and it usually is a chain reaction of events that leads to his slip. But, if something interupts the chain of thoughts, I think it usually brings him back to clearer thinking. So, I'm not sure that in the moment he would go through the trouble of making a brand new email account, but I'm not sure.

He said that since I reacted without getting mad or emotional and yelling, and listened to him and talked about what happened, it will make it easier for him to come to me in the future if there is a problem and that one thing that helps him not do anything sometimes is knowing he will have to tell me about it and hurt me.

I know this has gone on pretty long again, I guess I just need to vent what's going on and maybe get some advice on what others in the same boat (or in SOs boat) might have on our situation. Thank you so much if you've made it this far.

[chrisliz]

That is what I find hardest about fighting my husbands p addiction with him- I really can't get upset about what he does and confesses to me even though it hurts me so badly. Even though I know it's an addiction- a disease- it's hard to stay strong and calm for him when I hear and think about him doing these things. My husband is also in school- that gave him the opportunity to take the addiction farther as well. I think many nights when I thought he was at school he was actually indulging in his addiction (before he first came to me about it just last week). Tonight he's working late. He came home for dinner and before he left I said to him- straight to work and straight back, right? He said of course, but it's so hard to trust him right now. This has been such an intense week of talking and opening up about so much stuff, and right now I'm so physically and emotionally tired that I actually feel kind of numb. I don't even know how I feel, I just know we have to stay strong together.

[BRM]

I completely understand what you're talking about. I am constantly having arguments in my head when he has to go to class, or says he is getting together with a group to study or do homework or something. Anywhere he goes, or anytime he is at home without me, it is on the back of my mind wondering what he is doing. Even when we are out together I worry if there is anything that might be a trigger and I don't know about it. And yes, it is so hard not to be mad, sad, angry, hurt, feel ashamed about myself and the way I look, betrayed, etc. when he mentions that he even has just had a problem that he worked through without letting it get far enough that he did anything wrong. I know he needs me to be happy that he was able to stop himself, and to be understanding and listen to him when he comes to me so he doesn't feel so ashamed to come to me next time. But sometimes I just wonder who is going to be there for me. Who do I get to turn to? Who gets to tell me that it's going to be alright, and things will get better.

He has been doing really well for several months now. I can't remember the last time that I know of him using P. He has had a few situations he had to talk him self out of doing something he's said, and then the one close call where I just happened to walk in before he did anything. But, the other day I accidentally came across a "recent activity file" that shows stuff from all the way back to Jan. or earlier. I realized that during the times I caught him, there had been a couple days in a row that something had happend and it was more that he actually "confessed" to me when I caught him. So, right now I am dealing with a lot of trust issues again. Wondering if I am just being naive, or if things really are getting better. There is an accountability/filter program on both of our computers, so I know he hasn't done anything at home, but I don't know what he does if he stops at his mom's house or while he is on campus. I have gotten a lot better about letting him be honest and not taking it as personal, so hopefully he does feel able to really come to me. And, without asking him first, he has come to me and said he had trouble and had to fight through it. So I'm hopeful. Sometimes, I hate to say it, I almost just want to just stay naive if that is the case and let things be the way they are. Because aside from the P, our relationship is wonderful and he treats me great. It's only when I know something has happened that things are stressful between us. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I have my moments I'm so tired of fighting and wondering.

I know this has been really long as my other posts have been. I just feel so glad to have someone that knows what I'm going through and want to share what I'm going through so I can get it off of my chest for one, and so hopefully someone else out there knows what I'm going through also and I can either offer them some hope or that they aren't alone, or to have some hope offered to me. So thank you for reading if you've made it this far. I am so sorry for what you're going through, but know you're not alone.