Love and its opposite...fear

[dray]

Yesterday, I looked at the history on my partner's two computers and found everything deleted. He said, "his friend told him to do this, to avoid pop-ups and saving cookies." I don't know too much about computers, so I don't even know if that makes sense...I only know it made me fearful and affected my peace of mind.

Lately, I've been making a real effort not to look. I still think it's OK for some people to look, because trust has been broken and we have the right to know what's going on. This is a disease of deception. But, in my case, it's no longer OK to look. I get obsessed and insane with it, so I can see it's unhealthy for me to look. If I did find P, I'd want to leave the relationship. If I didn't find it, I'd wonder what's been deleted. Now that's what's called a "no-win situation." I feel like I need serenity more than information right now.

I know I'm powerless over PA. There's absolutely nothing I can do to change or control it. It's useless and self-defeating to try. A change of heart (and mind, body, spirit too) can only come from him, not me.

I get so much conflicting advice:

1) "Give it to God."
2) "Make him get monthly lie detector tests."
3) "Check the computer daily."
4) "Don't check the computer at all."
5) "If he won't agree to porn blockers, he's still doing it."
6) "Work on acceptance and trust."
7) "Insist he go to church. That's the only answer."
8) "Detach from his addiction and work on yourself."
9) "Leave him."
10) "Stay and work on it together."

It gets terribly confusing. Maybe I shouldn't listen to all this (well-meant) advice, or at least learn how to sift through it better.

What I've figured out so far is:

1) I do have to work on me, not him.
2) Prayer and meditation actually help.
3) Talking to people here, at SAnon meetings and to my sponsor is best. Other people don't understand that this is an addiction and are probably unable to give me good advice due to their own biases.
4) Listen to my heart.
5) Know that God will show me everything I need to know...I don't need to "look."
6) That healing takes time in both partners.

So today I'm working on patience and feeling grateful for all the good things that are happening:

My partner is working on his addiction. He's going to meetings, reading about PA and talking with his sponsor. He's much more loving, open and willing to talk. I'm getting the help I need to deal with this in a healthy way. We love each other and are commited to our relationship.

So really, it's all good. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild once it's lost, but it can be done, by taking one stp at a time.

[flame2amoth]

Hey Dray..ty for post!
I guess there is a lot to be said about everyone's story and their (T)ruths..
But yeah, there are some bits and pieces that I read from the stories that I resonate with..and I try to gleen out what seems to fit with me.
I think there may be some universal Truths in here though...
1) Be good to Yourself- take care in order to fight the good fight another day...
2) Probably is a good idea not to beat up verbally or otherwise the person you love...it diminishes both you and your partner...and somehow adds another layer of resentment. This is a hard one for me...
3 Trying to reframe that question ...is it good enough...well maybe it should be asked, "Is it good enough for me"
4 Try to stay unstuck to the "tramua bond". Somewhere, to me, this is about my personal motives and intentions...if I am truly powerless over this...how can I let go...well I think the taking care of self is the answer...and that includes all aspects of your life...spiritual, fun, work, friends and family, etc....Letting go and being able to stand alone with yourself is powerful.
So these are things I think are important to keep as my Truths, and I can hold these things up to all situations.
I do get a lot from what I read here, and I thank-you for being a part of that..Marti