Not only is he addicted, he cheated on me

[jesswafford]

My husband has had a porn addiction since before we got married. We have been married for six years. He promises to stop, does for a few months, then its the same all over again. I always know when he's at it, because he is different...but, never admitted to the addiction, refused help...

Tuesday, I get a text. It's "the other woman"...The fact that he took this addiction so far as to meet one of the cyber sex women in a hotel for sex. He had been chatting with her and talking to her on the phone for two months. The day after our anniversary, September 1st, he met her in a hotel and engaged in his fantasies with her.

He finally admitted it all, the porn addiction (what he looks at, why, every question I have been wanting answered for a long time). He has asked for help, I have always been willing to help him through the addiction, but an affair too! I am sooo hurt:((!

We have spent the better part of three days, talking. He has stripped the lies away from everything and given me full disclosure. He has done everything a cheating spouse should do for their partner. And, he loves me I can tell, he loves me very deeply. What do I do to help myself, and to help him.

Our first counseling session is tomorrow, but many of you have dealt with this too, what is your advice for me. I feel utter despair right now.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Jess,
I am so sorry to hear what pains you are going through right now. It sounds like you are on the right path for helping yourself out in the midst of it - going to therapy. I would also suggest maybe going to a different therapy session as well, just for yourself. Then again, its just a suggestion...Also, use, use, use this site! It is an excellent tool and people on here are going through very similar situations. Its nice to have a support group to rally behind you in your tough times.

I hope that everything works out for the best on your end and that you are able to keep a smile on your face!

SBB

[dray]

I would suggest along with couples therapy:
use this site
there are other sites, I belong to COSA
join a 12-step program and go to meetings (SA, SAnon)
Read about the addiction, inform yourself
talk to people, don't hold in your feelings
go to individual therapy

[chrisliz]

Jess, Reading your story is like reading my own. My husband was also looking at porn before our marriage; we've been married seven years; and for the last two months he's been seeking out women that would do things that I've refused to do- things that he had seen in p. He didn't ever have sex with anyone else- I thank God that he admitted to me the things he was doing before it got that far (he was actually in the hotel room with a willing woman but left due to guilt). He also admitted things to me that he had done many many years ago- he was confessing to me. I told him today that the part of this that is so hard is that I can't communicate how I feel to anyone because it is so private and I don't want any of our family or friends to judge him for what he's done and/or me for staying. That is why I'm here. The best advice I think for both of us in this horrible situation is to keep communication open with our partners, research what this addiction is all about, set definite boundaries (i.e. any sexual interaction with other people is forbidden), and support our partners so they stay on track. I don't know how long it will take for this addiction to be in the past, but when I see how much it hurts my husband to know that he singlehandedly almost threw our marriage and our family away, I know he's going to try his hardest, and I know I have to support him as long as he's willing to try.