Losing my drive - Please help.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Lately I've been feeling not so connected with my partner. I know I see a lot of partners on here saying that they have a hard time initiating stuff with the PA's but I have a hard time responding to affection especially days surrounding his relapses. Is this normal? Does anyone else struggle with this?

I mean I want to be there for him, but at times I feel that psychologically it becomes to hard for me to work through this addiction with him. And i don't want to use sex as a reward or a punishment, but i feel that psychologically my brain tries to make it as such. I know that when I do have sex I feel like I'm just one of the girls he watches on the computer. I know that I'm not, but its hard to keep that perspective. My mind just pictures him sitting in front of his computer the whole time during sex. And i hate that!

How do I get my mind to stop playing tricks on me and allow myself to immerse myself into the loving arms of my lover and realize he is someone who is just struggling with something?

[flame2amoth]

Hi SBB, nice to meet you!
Not sure if I have advice, but certainly empathy. And I just wanted to thank-you and others who bring light out to their experiences, cause then people like me can say...yeah, I know...this is a hard thing to figure out...
My husband and I both are in our mid 50's...and we met in 4/07, married, 12/07...it was a long distance relationship, but oh, the sex was hot when we were together. First, he had told me he enjoyed erotic literature early on...why did I not explore that more I dont know...because I had two years prior walked away from a close relationship when he admitted to having sex via webcam/internet. In addition, I am a mental health counselor...which just floors me now...lol!
But, I didnt realize how deeply involved it was until Aug of 07...and evening on our Wedding Day, I had to face it again.
Along the way, he had told me he would use a prescription drug in order to help his ED...and had been using it(on and off) for about 10 years. In addition, in Sept 07 he had a knee replacement and that put a challenge to certain aspects of our sexual life..still does. In our most recent history, he has told me he has lost his sex drive..and states it was around Nov 07...thats when he returned to work, and I found out that he was continuing his use of Porn. He and I have skirted around this issue and I have, lately been obcessed with the why's...blaming and recentful...and feeling deceived. In all this, I have tried to be very sexual toward him..very submissive, ...mercy the changes we go thru...but honestly, one of the things that hurt the most, is that he opened up a sexual part of me that I was unaware of...maybe it is the Love I have for him that made our intimacy more than I had ever experienced...but I am angry about that...I hate checking my realities now...
So, now its about questions like...ok, is this lack of sex drive about age, physical condition, or the lack of external sexual arousal that porn offers....
All of sexuality was from a honest place and was for him, to him, about Us... Over the last few days, I have felt like I am making an effort, and its not from the source Im use to. Does that make sense. Last week, I found evidence that he recently, Aug 08, returned to his erotic literature. He was a member of a erotic literature web site, and when I had confronted him with his 11,600+ downloaded stories and his 4 years paid subscription, he did not cancel his subscription. He said, that even if he did, he could go there and read some stories for free...and he was right. But dang, I didnt force that issue of cancellation..oh, how I wanted him to do it on his own. Periodically, I would go to his "Library" at the site...but the last time I went was March of 08, and then I went last week... Im not too savy when it comes to computers...but there was evidence that he had downloaded one story.."bookmarked" and put 4 other stories on a HTML zip file... When confronted, he denied it..He had the adamacy of a warrior making statements like, "The problem is, I know I didnt do it, but you dont." "But its enough for me to know I didn't" Convincing plausable deniability. And if you knew my husband you would know why this is surreal to me. He did cancel the subscription...only 2 months left anyway...and part of me wonders if he downloaded his Library to another storage device....
Wow...did I digress or What..my point is...this battle is wearing me out too....part of me changed when I tripped over this new evidence...like I have reached this point where I am saying..."okay, I am beginning to feel void of certain feelings toward intimacy"...I feel like standing back and seeing if he is willing to fight back for our sexual life as well as our other parts of partnership. I'm the one who has initiated sex 9 times out of 10. Yes he is affectionate, yes I tell him my needs...
I am afraid if I stop initiating, it will make it easy for him to continue..and alot of other fears I have to add to that..
My point is...this is some individual stuff...but the feeling is real, an another fire to try us...us=partnership. So yeah, Im pretty close to the place where I want to stop trying or feeling, cause I feel like Im alone and crazy in my efforts..is the answer just as simple as "take it with honesty" Sorry if I wasnt any help...I guess I just needed to add another reflection to your mirror.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Flame,
Thank you for your prompt response. Yes, it was a long one but I feel you needed to get that out and it did put a different account that is pretty much centered around one big aspect in relationships with a PA. Sexual intimacy some how in gets distorted.

I feel that my partner and I are an odd couple though because he never lacks the desire to become intimate. So then it makes me wonder if he is a SA in addition to his P addiction. Unlike some of the other stories I've heard on here, partners seem to know when their partner has dove back into habits because of a lack of sexual intimacy. I however, am constantly bombarded with the thoughts of "what if" during intimacy. And then on some days when he has admitted to me, he'll try to still initiate intimacy and my mind can't handle it! My head is at that point because I'm trying to forgive, and not let images in my head and love him at the same time. There is no way that I could engage in sexual pleasure at that point. And he gets mad thinking that I'm holding a grudge.

I just don't know how to keep images from popping into my head, I don't check history or snoop around his room. I know that if I did I would have images engraved in my head and it would make things worse for me. I also never ask him for details and ask him never to tell me details, its none of my business. The only thing I need to know is if he is looking at P or not looking at P.

I'm in the first week of our trial plan. It is in my journal "Determined and Hopeful" so I'm trying to hold out until this sunday but its so hard. I want to ask him every day if he has looked. IT CONSUMES ME! GRR.

[flame2amoth]

Well, I did read your plan..I think...is it about every Sunday you both join and discuss things....? It is a good idea.
I havent even told my husband Im coming to this site..but to me, it earmarks a change in me. Unfortunately, I am still playing WatchDog to some extent...I justify this by his statements of..."Your my motivation, my inspiration.....to stop." And somehow I feel he invited me to make his addiction part of "my business"...although, I wish I would stop it..yeah, I know, if he is gonna use porn, there is away..no matter what... And yeah, I think for the most part he has...there is only 24 hours...and dang, it just seems to boil down to Trust...somehow I resent that, cause I feel that I have to carry that burden.
Anyway...I also thought that if my husband didnt lose his sex drive...how would I view this...probably like you. So damned if I do, damned if I dont....Part of what hurts is that the "pain" in all this seems to take away from partnership...I hate that too.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

I know, if he is gonna use porn, there is away..no matter what... And yeah, I think for the most part he has...there is only 24 hours...and dang, it just seems to boil down to Trust...somehow I resent that, cause I feel that I have to carry that burden.

I know how you feel about the trust thing. I don't know about you but I feel that because P brings so much distruction to a relationship and in my case has put my SO in a place where he felt he could get away with lying to me about little things, well, trusting him gets complicated. You as a councilor can probably understand what I'm trying to say. But, I have a big problem with lies for a lot of reasons but a main one is that if someone lies to me about something so silly as P (silly, as in I already know its going on), than what else is he lying to me. So then I find myself in a whirlwind of what ifs. And, "can I really trust him". Do you find yourself doing that? How do we learn to let go and let the PA regain trust? I'm assuming that in some cases trust is not worth regaining, but in mine and flame's I think that it is.

Anyway...I also thought that if my husband didnt lose his sex drive...how would I view this...probably like you. So damned if I do, damned if I dont....Part of what hurts is that the "pain" in all this seems to take away from partnership...I hate that too.

On either side of the sex drive spectrum, there does remain the pain. I think also in a PA who is trying to recover I think it is good to remember that they are in pain too. It may be a different kind of pain, but P has damaged things in their life as well. And believe me, they feel it. I think that both the PA and the SO feel the pain of damaging the partnership. I will admit (kinda going back to the losing my drive), that I feel 100% better when we are not sexually active. And thats crummy! We have great chemistry in bed, and his P addiction literally sucks my drive right out of me. And then, how does that make him feel - its like a never ending circle. I want to make it stop. I'm trying to make it stop. Man, this is just really hard! I hope that we all find a way to make our pain stop while working with our SO's to help them stop their P addiction. Good luck to everyone!!

[dray]

The 12-step program my partner and I are attending advises a period of sexual abstinence (they recommend 4-6 weeks) while "drying out". This worked well for us and I didn't feel either rejected or used during this time of non-activity...we became closer in other ways through abstaining.